Act 3: I Found Something Priceless, But I Could Never Bet Against Her

Warning: Sex (Ie: Making Coffee)/Drugs/Illegal Activities

Scene 1

Initially when I'd approached Juliet in my writing, I'd wondered if I even needed to include her. I'd still blindly given her a lot of credit for my survival. After writing, I'm not sure how I'd ever conceived the notion it could have been avoided. It would have just left gaps and missing context.

One time Juliet looked at me sadly and said she thought she was the problem. I looked back at her said and told her she wasn't. I knew the problem was that I couldn't open up to her. But I was rather on my own and no one else knew it either. Mother Teresa knew I was head over heels, but she never knew how much.

The act of making coffee became contentious to me. I've always been pretty sexually expressive, although very nervous with my own body. Mother Teresa took me on what she called 'The Walk of Shame' to get contraceptives. Towards the end she'd look over at a gleeful me and said, "You don't feel much shame, do you?" and I just said, "Nope!" because I didn't. I knew I loved Juliet.

I wasn't comfortable with Juliet at first. I was a weird, nerdy boy who was with the most beautiful girl in the world, the pressure was grand, but I'd always make it big. I saw an alien body when I looked in the mirror. Always being gentle, she convinced me that she did find my body attractive, even with the acne that riddled my back and brain.

It wasn't long into Making Coffee that I started to do simple math. I reasoned I got off %98 of the time and if I was lucky and she wasn't just being nice, Juliet got off maybe %2. I'd seen those divorce statistics and reasoned if I became a Greek God for Juliet, she'd have no reason to leave me. She agreed one time by saying that I'd get better. In order to get better, I had to Make Coffee with her. It was a cycle. I decided I should explore her body or something, but that only added to the intensity I also felt.

As soon as I realized I was making too much Coffee with Juliet, it was too late and had become too powerful. With little limitations, establishing my own rules, our relationship became far more adult in nature for high school. We'd gotten over the first hump, she seemed to understand I wanted to Make Coffee because I loved her. My body seemed to be calling for her.

I didn't stray far from what I knew, because I didn't know what meltdowns were, but knew they happened often when I couldn't do something right. We tried to switch it up and I couldn't figure it out the first time, having a meltdown. I felt bad for Juliet who I was sure could find much better designer brand Coffee Makers, than myself. But she simply remained kind and gentle. Hugging me, cooling down my nuclear reaction, and telling me that I'd get it one day.

She left but I wasn't done trying to figure it out. I looked at my bed and realized the Making Coffee was basically just Geometry. I got out a tape measure and started measuring everything, trying to figure out how I could be a better lover.

The other reason I didn't want to switch up positions was because I didn't understand why. When we'd make coffee, I'd kiss her. I'd express how much I loved her. She'd wrap her arms around me. At first, her touch was a lot, but I slowly became comfortable with it. We'd both look deeply into each others eyes. It felt like we were talking with our souls. I figured I'd lose most of that switching positions.

I wasn't even sure why I liked Making Coffee. It seemed so barbaric and at times it grossed me out. But there was something else about it. Juliet was convinced that I was breaking all these rules and that I needed to stop. I wondered about the rules she'd break, like hijacking my involuntary muscles. She didn't seem concerned about breaking those rules! But above all, was some rule about us Making Coffee. Both parents knew we were, but both disapproved. All of these rules, and then there was this one rule that Juliet agreed we'd break together.

I didn't have a vehicle and there wasn't much to do around town. That drove me crazy. We'd cuddle a lot and watch movies off a little monitor in my room. I wondered when she'd realize how small it really was. I already had a 'needy' complex so the amount we were cuddling worried me. It was tough to be everything but myself. But this was Miss Universe! She deserved to be wined and dined.

I really tried my hardest not to Make Coffee with Juliet. She had no issues halting production, but there was always something driving me. I actually hated Making Coffee, I just like preparing it with Juliet, which I'd tell her. I loved the foreplay. Her hands and my hands. Rolling around.

Even when I'd think about her, I'd just get all hot and bothered. I tried to figure out how I could think about her, and not get so worked up. She wore sweaters often and I grew to love them because there was more to undress, more foreplay. It gave me more time to love her and not feel like I needed to rush to the next step in the process. So in my brain, I removed that.

Now she was just in a T-shirt and wranglers. Oh... But now you look a whole different kind of cute! I thought. I removed the pants and T-shirt before quickly realizing that wasn't going to help my situation. Now she looked sexy. And presumably out of amusement, I still removed those in my mind too. I didn't know what I was going to do until I had a brilliant idea. Instead of dressing her down, I'll dress her up! I dressed her in a full Eskimo style parka and all I could see now was her smile. Perfect! I thought. But I'd only solved one problem, reasoning I couldn't expect her to wear that 24/7 in real life.

So I continued other ways to try and teach myself control. Juliet helped as best she could short of a chasity belt. My problem was the blue balls and just how little Juliet had to do for me to get them. Even just cuddling with her would often lead to them and they were a very painful ordeal. One time I asked her to make out with me and she laughed saying I couldn't stop myself from going further.

"I swear! All we'll do it make out. I won't try to take it any further!" but I didn't tell her I'd come with a secret plan. I was all proud of myself. I was just going to get myself off after she left and no one would be the wiser! It all went pretty good. I stopped myself short and she was happy that I'd proved something to her. And as she left, I did something unusual, I hurried her out. I could already feel the clenching torture setting in.

I hopped into bed starring up at the ceiling, feeling this overwhelming sense of accomplishment. That was very short lived. I got ready to relieve myself and have a good sleep. I reached down and it went downhill from there. Nothing had changed since I'd first proclaimed that other girls no longer interested me. I didn't feel like doing unsightly things to myself over any of them. The only person I wanted to think about was Juliet.

Well that was completely out of the question for Little Romeo. I figured that would be completely disrespectful to Juliet. The only way I could do that, was if I asked her if she was okay with that sort of thing and I was not about to ask her that. What ensued was a very painful hour of nothing that could be considered self pleasure. I did my thing for 50 minutes to an unappealing blank canvas while I battled to not have lewd thoughts of Juliet while I did this.

After it was done, I felt like I'd fought a war. I was almost in tears and in my brain was screaming What do I do now?! That was pretty much my last resort and I thought I'd hit the finish line.

The best way I've found to describe what this Coffee Making felt like, is to direct you to the love scene between Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz in Blow. I don't exaggerate when I say that's pretty much how it began to always feel like, with time slowing down. It must have been the perfect mixture of everything. The love. The Passion. The story.

Scene 2

I tried to figure out the confusing things Juliet would do. I'd try not to feel attacked by her because I knew she loved me, but she never asked questions, only made statements. She didn't get this, or understand that. One time she laughed and said she didn't understand why I liked Techno Music so much. I looked at her sad, wondering why she hadn't asked instead. I could have explained how it made me feel inside. Instead, I got defensive and said I didn't understand why she liked Country music.

Other times she'd comment on how much I weighed or joked that she was going to break me. I wondered where my depression had been missed during our translation of doing this dance.

Scene 3

Everything pales in comparison to my birthday. I wanted something special, but I stopped expecting it by now. I'm not sure how long she planned it, and it was all so amazing it's quite a blur. I had to wait all day for my gift which she gave me at G-Mas. She got me a lot. Something that "cost [her] $40!" but I never cared for money, only her love.

That's why her second gift became priceless. It was a tri-fold mix CD. I'd given a girl one before, but I'd never dreamed that a girl might give me one. It read, "Juliet and Romeo's Infinite Playlist" based on the first movie we'd watched together. I lost my marbles seeing the intricacies of the CD, everything it was and forgot I wasn't supposed to be completely weird. I held the CD in my arms and rocked in the twisting motion. I made some weird noise that would bring me back to normal reality. I told her I loved it very much and thanked her.

It became a CD I'd dance around to and do my weird thing. Juliet probably assumed my favourite song would have been 'our' song, Truly Madly Deeply, but instead it was a song I'd never heard before. A country song of all songs. It was called:

I'd kept that CD all the years leading up to my writings, but I'd never been able to listen to the music again. I'd really wanted to hear that song after all those years, so I tried. By the second line, I turned it right off. It's crazy how it makes it feel so real again. But I'd listen to it and wonder if she thought of me whenever that song played. I wondered if she intentionally listened to it so she'd have loving thoughts about me. I wondered if that was one about a weird little boy.

My third gift was Birthday Coffee. Like most things, I saw it from both sides. It didn't make to much sense because it was just another day and we made enough Coffee already. Still, I was somehow excited about the 'birthday' label. She wanted to wait until Spring Break when we'd have full days off. It made less sense because than it definitely wasn't my birthday.

We went over to Juliet's after to watch a movie. I think she picked it out or perhaps gave me some options. Miss March, it was called. I was definitely always down for sexually suggestive content if my girlfriend was. But like a lot of movies, the context became too much. It was another story that seemed to depict ours. I'd already deemed Juliet Miss Universe the first day I'd met her, although I'd never told her that. Now the weirdest, nerdiest boy was dating Miss Universe. I was sure she could have been a model if she wanted to.

And that's what the movie was about. A nerdy, weird boy who dates a playmate. March was also my birthday. It left me in shock and awe. I looked at her, "You're my Miss March!" I said. She didn't understand the significance, but she smiled very big. And I was taken over again, I wanted to Make Coffee with her. She said we couldn't because her parents were upstairs. Like the impatient boy I was, I pleaded and caressed her, using the "but it's my birthday today!" card.

It kind of worked. Juliet silently dictated 'no hands'. I'd been laying on the couch and she was on laying on top. She had both my hands in one of her hands above my head, than I started to get a HJ. It was instantly too much and my brain raced wondering why. I squirmed but quickly found myself zapped of any energy.

I wasn't used to that at all. I was used to performing, to exploring Juliet and now I was being told I couldn't. Just silently being told to relax and enjoy myself. I looked up, eyes glossed over, at Juliet who gently smiled down. It was so intense. I was making a weird, almost sad looking face at her.

In those moments I had an anxiety vision. Like the Police Officer one, it shows just how fast my brain was processing these anxieties. I was pretty convinced that Juliet was about to give me a brain aneurysm. Not knowing what those really were at the time, I simply equated that she was about to melt my brains. In the vision, that's what happened. It felt so good, that my brain melted and brain fluid started leaking out my ears. She frantically tried to move my now dead body as the brain goop was now getting all over their nice couch.

But it was too late, her parents had already heard the commotion and had come downstairs to find her holding my legs up. "Juliet!" they yelled at her, "How dare you melt this poor boys brains!" and so I looked up at her worried. I was barely able to get out "stop", but she didn't, and I reasoned I didn't really want to her to anyways.

She was lose enough that I could kiss her, so I went in for a loving kiss, to let her know that I loved her through her lips. As I was just about close enough, she pulled back just out of reach, denying me the kiss. I'd been denied everything now, even my control. My body stiffened and head whipped back. I moaned while Juliet smiled and a battle ensued. She'd tell me to keep quiet, and I'd mutter in-between moans that I was trying.

Afterwards, I just laid there with her on top of me trying to process everything. Juliet had grabbed a blanket and we cuddled. I always cherished the after-coffee. She asked what I wanted to watch, but I couldn't care, still recovering from the emotional and spiritual experience I'd just had with her. She turned on Friends, a show I hated but didn't care since it was one of her favourite shows. It just irked me that she wanted to watch a show about a bunch of people who were doing what we were, sitting around. But by now if I wasn't putting us in danger, she no longer told me to keep my eyes off her, she would just let me stare at her now.

But the night wasn't over. Although her parents hated me for whatever reason, I was allowed to stay until 1 AM. It must have been a weekend. This time would have never been agreed to if I still lived with my parents. I looked at Juliet, now worried because I'd spent some time squirming and moaning on a couch, I said concerned, "You're the male in the relationship, and I'm the female..." thinking about all the ways we were filling each others gender specific roles. She laughed at me.

I didn't want to leave Juliet, and not having cared for the show had fallen asleep. My internal alarm would go off to wake up and I'd find Juliet fast asleep on me now. My heart dropped as her head rested on my small framed chest. I very much wished to grow it in size so she'd want to rest her head or hand there more often. Now she just was. It's why I didn't need to ask for anything. It was far more magical when it just happened naturally.

It was quiet in the house and I wondered if everyone was asleep. She was smiling very big and looked peaceful sleeping, I didn't want to disturb her. I reasoned I was already in her parents bad books anyways, and spending the entire night with Juliet was something I'd dreamed of. I set an alarm for before her dad would get up. I wrapped my arms back around her and squeezed as tightly as I could without waking her as I floated peacefully back to sleep for once in my young life.

The alarm I had set quietly went off. I woke up but Juliet was still sleeping. I laid there and admired her for as long as I could. Time was doing it's slowing down thing, but I looked at her and reasoned that it sucked. I knew that no matter how slow time moved, it was never going to be enough and it was eventually going to run out. I wished that Juliet and I could just be frozen in time, so I could feel this way forever.

She had some straggly hairs on her face, so I gently brushed those aside. I told her that I loved her very much, even if she wouldn't hear me trapped in the grips of unconsciousness. I leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, and my brain started to freak out. Somehow, my princess smelt even better than she had the night before! That didn't make sense since I'd been baking in a furnace of flesh and blankets all night. I looked at her and noticed something else; she was smiling even bigger than she had been before I'd fallen peacefully back asleep.

How is that even possible?! I wondered. What was the reason? Was she having a really good dream? Was I in it, or was Ryan Reynolds? Or was it that we'd been playing 'wake up tag'? I wondered if she had also woken up in the night and like I had been doing, she studied me while I slept. Maybe she'd looked up at me, and decided that I really did love her and it had made her smile. Maybe she'd been listening to my heart beat.

Or perhaps, did it have something to do with that wonderful smell? Maybe she was performing more magic for me! I couldn't tell what she wore for makeup, and had started wondering if she wore perfume. I'd considered asking her to stop because she was becoming too intoxicating all the time. I wondered if she knew and had somehow managed to slip out of my arms in the night, put more on, and somehow shimmy back in. That didn't seem very plausible though.

I'd later decide to Google "Why does my girlfriend smell so good in the morning?!" and come up to some non-conclusive answers; Pheromones. But science hadn't confirmed their existence. Oh great! I thought More uncertainty! But I also picture Juliet and I meeting up one night. She turned around and popped that booty up. Next a burst of purple perfume-like substance shot towards me as she giggled. I snorted and said aloud, "Ooookay Google... I'm dating a girl, not a skunk!"

In the meantime, I'd wake Juliet up. I hadn't been caught so far, and there was no need to stir the pot. She woke up with a big smile and I'd already known I wanted to wake up to that smile every day. I could tell waking up next to her had started my day off with a glow. And for once, I felt like I'd actually slept peacefully. She walked me to her giant doors. We embraced as I thanked her for everything. I bid her farewell, unsure of when I'd see her next. I started my 40 minute walk home. It was 30 on a good day, but the wind was exceptionally fierce. I hardly noticed though, reasoning I was being warmed by love.

Scene 4

It wasn't long after that spring break came. Juliet had been 90% amazing but I was still becoming a wreck. When the day for my Birthday Coffee came, I'd planned to surprise Juliet instead. I knew she expected me to take full advantage of the occasion but I'd still been lacking that control up to this point. The only thing I wanted was to get on my knees, and then spend the rest of the day cuddling.

I'd planned to open up a bit. I also wanted to express to her that I saw us as equals. I would tell her my anxiety over how much I was cuddling with her and worrying about boring her out of my life. I figured she'd get a good shock as I laid it all down. To explain that I respected everything we did together, and respected her.

Instead, the day came. Juliet had said to come over and just let myself in. I didn't want to make myself at home so I just went to see her but she was sleeping. I woke her up and she said I could sleep beside her. I wasn't tired, excited, but the idea of cuddles worked for me so I slid under the covers with her. Having just come out of the cold, I touched Juliet to pass some of it on. I'd just walked down her long driveway after all. She was not impressed with me and I profusely apologized. Maybe she's not a morning person I wondered. I fell asleep next to Juliet.

When she got up, I noticed something, she looked so beautiful first thing in the morning. I knew she didn't need makeup! She showered and we started our day. It's possible this was the day I called her a name she didn't like, but while I was sorry and all that could be done was for me to not say it again, I was confused because I was sure I was one too. Either way, I said or did something that really upset her and I wasn't allowed the Birthday Coffee anymore.

I pleaded for her to tell me what I did wrong. I tried to tell her it wasn't because I wanted Birthday Coffee that bad. I really just wanted to know what not to do again. And there was so much more than the Birthday Coffee that I'd prepared. She told me to just drop it. I tried again an hour later to no avail. I asked if I could just explain what I had planned but she didn't want to hear it. Eventually she'd lighten up again and we could cuddle. I'm sure I got kisses. But I was still very sad we wouldn't talk about it at all.

Scene 5

As we cuddled, I said to her, "One day I'm going to give you the world. I'm going to have a red corvette," and I pictured that reality. I didn't want the world, I just wanted the smile that came with giving Juliet all it had to offer.

"My mom doesn't like you much," she said. And that seemed like a stupid thing to announce. I'd known for over a year now that her mother didn't like me!

I angrily said, "Well, your mom looks like a Christmas Tree in that outfit!" and that's how her mom got her nickname. Juliet would enquire why I didn't blurt out to her mom about the Microbiology. "Ah.... she wouldn't have believed me anyways... Besides, I started playing Nickelback's song Animals in my head instead," and Juliet laughed.

Scene 6

But my emotional roller coaster had reached it's peak. Everyday I would turn around, and there was some new drama on my plate. Like a terrible TV show. One morning, Juliet informed me that we needed to talk after school. I'd heard that nothing good ever came from those words and I'd spent most of the relationship wondering when she'd wise up and break up with me. She asked that we wait till after school, but I couldn't wait even though she informed me she wasn't going to break up with me. We went to the library.

It was there that I confirmed I needed to just listen to Juliet and do what she said. I should have waited till after school. She told me that she was late and I did not handle it well at all. First, I thought, Yep. Should have listened to Juliet and waited till after school. The world became a blur, my voice changed states, and I started to freak out. I figured as far as the school was concerned, I'd pretty much done it all, had been leaving a mark of infamy. The last thing I needed was to get a girl pregnant at this point of everything, and I figured that's pretty much what everyone was waiting for at this point.

And from there, things just sort of start to get hazy for a period. I calmed down later, like most things realizing that it is what it is and would need to be dealt with. Than I wondered if she really was late, or if this was another elaborate test for me. I shrugged reasoning I'd thus far failed it either way.

Mother Teresa took me for Dairy Queen shortly after, we hadn't seen each other in a short while. I jokingly referenced it, having no one else to turn to. She said it wasn't ideal, but she'd be there to support us with whatever we chose if she really was pregnant. I knew that I'd always do whatever I could if it came to that, I just really hoped it wouldn't. Her parents hated me enough.

After a week, she'd informed me that she was regular, but I was still unravelling at the seems. I was trying to scream out to her so bad but nothing was coming out. She came over after school, we were going to cuddle and watch something. I asked if she'd be the big spoon. She smiled and said she preferred when I was. I knew that, but it wasn't a regular request. I looked sadly at her and pleaded as she agreed.

She held me while I secretly broke down in her arms as we watched something on that small monitor. I nibbled on her arm, knowing I was falling apart and just trying to keep it all together. I started to cry, but guys weren't supposed to cry, so I did it very softly. She could always see through my fake smiles, she always knew I wasn't alright, she rubbed my arm and asked if I was alright. I didn't know what to do, like usual. I just said, "Mhmm..." in between the gasps of tears. I grew exhausted and tried not to fall asleep in her arms. The tears dried by the time she left and I'd pulled myself together so I'm not sure she ever really knew. But upon writing the book, I'm not too sure what she ever really knew.

I started feeling like I couldn't do anything right. I tried to show Juliet ways I'd make a good husband for her, if she just stick it out with me through this grim high school period of my life. I first tried giving her a massage, but Juliet found them uncomfortable. I then tried to cook for Juliet.

I'd thawed out some steaks and was going to make the perfect meal. But I'd seen the Food Safety video in cooking class and as soon as I started cooking, I worried about making Juliet sick with undercooked food. Instead, I served her up an overdone, leathery piece of steak and potatoes, both of which hadn't completed cooking at the same time. I knew it was shit. She tried a few bites and told me it tasted really good but she wasn't very hungry. I knew it tasted terrible and she was just being nice. She always let me down easy, but I'd never let myself down. I took the steak to the kitchen, and embarrassed, told G-Ma Juliet wasn't very hungry. I wanted to cry feeling like a failure. There didn't seem to be anything I was good at except Making Coffee and smoking pot.

Even when she didn't want to do something, she'd usually cave to my pleas. One day at school, she seemingly got sick out of no where. She was fine in the morning, but by the time school ended, she wasn't. I'd told Juliet I'd marry her one day, and one of those tenements was "through sickness and health". I'd seen Juliet through health, but now I wanted to see her through sickness.

She just wanted to go home and sleep, but I convinced her to just sleep at my house so I could love and take care of her. Eventually she agreed. I'm not too sure what I expected. I used to just do these sorts of weird things and not reflect till after. She was overheating in my bed. She looked faint. I was using a cold cloth to soak up the sweat while she slept. Her mom picked her up later and after I felt like crap. Perhaps if she hadn't grown quite so sick I wouldn't have, but now I wondered if my love did more harm to her than anything.

It all became so hard for me to deal with alone. Besides the unnecessary tests, Juliet pretty much let me have whatever I wanted and provided so much more on top. It didn't seem fair. She deserved someone who wasn't a failure. Someone that could provide and protect her and be strong and wasn't 17 but somehow had all this baggage. I wanted something to spend on Juliet. To spoil her. To take her out for once.

I'd lent my cousins friend a couple hundred dollars back when I worked at Tim Hortons to fix a car window and was growing impatient with waiting for it back. Now I was becoming unhinged and the two were no longer friends. She suggested that we get a couple 2L coolers and go collect.

Except we already knew we weren't collecting money. I'm not sure why, but I had my cell phone that night which Mother Teresa usually held onto. We'd grabbed a baseball bat from G-Mas. I reasoned if he wasn't going to pay me back for fixing his car window, I'd give him another window to fix.

I texted Juliet on the way. I acted suave and like I was in control, like I normally did, but deep down I prayed that she could just save me from all this. Take me away from everything. But I knew what she would text back and she did, "Don't do it..." and I already knew that wasn't going to be enough. I'm not sure why.

I'd long wished that we could just run away from both our families. Depending on how much she actually loved me, part of me figured I could have convinced her to run away. But those realities and power also scared me, because that wouldn't be fair to Juliet. That my life had become so much I had to run away, and that meant she needed to run away from everything she didn't need to.

I drove on, feeling more like a passenger in my life than the actual driver now. I hoped that maybe I would get some of the cash and not have to destroy property. Just anything to spend on Juliet. I played along with the two up front, while I secretly cried in the back.

When we arrived, I shook it off and got into character. I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. At first, they acted like they weren't home and we called them out on it. He then said he wasn't paying me a dime. I hoped a threat would work, "I'm going to get my money back one way or another!"

It didn't work so I headed back to the car to get the bat from the trunk. My cousin and her friend egged me on as I shouted and threatened with the bat. He responded that he would call the cops. "Not before I get my money back!" I shouted, climbing onto his car. I was worried I might not be strong enough to break a side window with the wooden bat. He started swearing while I squared up to his back window. Next thing I knew, I was swinging the bat down. One, two, three times, just releasing all this pent up anger and frustration I'd held in. Briefly in my own little world while the other chaos unfolded around.

Screams from the house, cheers from my cousin and her friend. For about ten seconds, I stood there feeling accomplished until my cousin, still laughing, shouted that we needed to go in case they really did call the cops. They kept drinking and I'd take a few shots. I'd play it up with them, but was extremely worried that the police would be after me.

It was all fleeting. I had some sort of ability to appear present, while being a million miles away. The reality had just sunk in. Before I just didn't have money to spend on Juliet, now I didn't have that and I'd just destroyed some guys car window. While it seemed that people thought I was a 'bad boy' or something, this was the first time I really agreed.

Scene 7

I was dropped back off at G-Mas and I let them keep the booze, I didn't want it. I went to the front steps to have a smoke and contemplate life. How I'd even reached this point, having been on the grade 8 honour roll less than three years prior. I'd stolen small denominations of money before, but smashing a car window seemed to be in an entirely different realm. It seemed out of character and everything seemed out of control.

Nothing made sense and a brain reality formed. I was sitting on a couch in a dimly lit basement. The concrete walls were cracked and the couch I sat on had tuffs of stuffing coming out of it. I could instantly tell my Omniscient point of view that I was sitting in a drug basement. I sat there with a blank stare on my face, smoking.

The camera panned out to reveal more of the basement. I was sitting on an L shaped couch and as it panned out, Juliet came into view on the opposite end of the couch. Why wasn't I next to her? Her head was back and she looked 'gone' in her face. That's when I noticed the needle sticking out of her arm. That's when I started to freak out.

Was she alive? Why was I just sitting on the couch? I was screaming and crying in that omniscient state no one can hear you in. I thought about Juliet's mom and Grumpy Greta. It was clear that my parents didn't know anything, but her parents? They had money. I reasoned you didn't get money by being stupid. Maybe they were right about me after all...

Could I end up like that Romeo in the vision? Could I end up actually not caring about Juliet for my own personal greed and stimulation? I knew I cared now, I could be sure of that. And she seemed to be having lots of fun with the manager where she worked. I figured he had to make lots of money and be a good guy to be a manager. I wasn't able to open up to Juliet. I felt like a failure and didn't feel like a good boyfriend. I didn't know what do.

I was pretty sure that I never wanted to be on the streets sucking dick for hard drugs, but I was also pretty sure I was just supposed to be a Microbiologist studying tiny microbes and marrying Juliet. What did I really know? I didn't. Throughout it all, I'd always been willing to bet against myself in order to get through high school, I was banking on going back to myself after. I could never bet on Juliet though.

I sighed while I analyzed all the information I'd gathered since I started dating Juliet. I didn't feel like she was safe dating me. I didn't want to drag her into the world I was seeing. I took her over to babysit my cousins daughter once, and reasoned I'd never take her back again. Even if it meant we'd have a house to ourselves.

I appeared to do a lot of surface level stupid stuff, a lot of things that had been on this mental bucket list I'd unknowingly created, like making out with a girl in the movie theatre. Lots of times I'd be edgy, and Juliet would let me get away with it. But like she didn't know my anxieties, she didn't know that I was learning. That I was studying everything. That I'd often go home or to my room after she'd let me do something stupid, and realize they really weren't worth it. The stupid stuff like making out in a theatre didn't matter. Just being with her mattered.

But I sighed sitting on the step. I figured that it didn't really matter if the guy had owed me money or not in the eyes of the law. I reasoned I had to let Juliet go, at least for now.

I texted her first to make sure she was awake. I shouldn't have been surprised that she was, since I probably worried her that night as much as I had when I went to the hospital for puking all over the school. I texted that I needed to call her, we needed to talk. She knew. And I knew as soon as I called her I couldn't talk about it, I just needed to get it over with. I knew if she cried, or begged me to stay, I'd let her stay in harms way.

I couldn't show emotion, I just... needed her to make sure she has a better life than me. Her voice was trembling, and like myself, she was holding back tears. I almost didn't do it but than spoke up, "We have to break up Juliet..." I said, trying not to think too much.

"Don't do this Romeo..." she said, short of crying.

"I have to..." I said. I had to let her go now, and go cry alone.

"Can we talk about it tomorrow?" she asked, and I agreed. But I knew we couldn't date right now.

I woke up the next morning quite like anyone should have expected from me. I instantly regretted having broken up with Juliet. While I didn't see any alternatives among the turmoil, I knew I'd just given up my only happiness. And I thought about how wonderful Juliet had been to me during our relationship. I knew that now it would look like I Made Coffee with her for a few months, and then ditched out.

I sighed in relief, recalling how Juliet mentioned we would talk about it the next day. I would tell her that we couldn't get back together yet, but that I was doing this because I loved her. That I needed her to be safe. But I also respected everything we did and none of that would change. We'd talk later, so it would all be alright... right?