A simple way to boost your confidence

During that awkward phase of high school, when you're as confused about what your math teacher is saying as you are about what your hormones are telling you, my life changed dramatically with the most terrifying experience of any school-age child - I changed schools.

Thanks to the infinite wisdom of the local school board and their new school zoning policy, I was required to transfer to a new high school during my freshman year. Because my new school had a whole new social population, the standard period of adjustment from elementary to high school became even more unpleasant.

I went from being an ordinary awkward teenager to someone who was so afraid of being seen when I got out of the car that my whole body would sweat. Forget talking to girls - it's hard enough to walk across the hall between classes. Those eyes are looking at me!

My family and friends encouraged me to "be more confident." This is perhaps the worst advice you can give to someone on the edge of social anxiety.

In retrospect, I know their intentions were good, even if their advice was terrible. Do they just want me to flip the confidence switch in my head? Oh, by the way, I forgot to open it.

It took a long time, and actually the only thing that systematically built my confidence was track and field, especially wrestling and martial arts.

It's not so much the coaching as the physical challenge. The better I got, the more confidence I grew and slowly branched out into completely unrelated areas. It's like once I know I'm good at something, I know I'm good enough to talk to everyone.

What most of us misunderstand about confidence

Telling someone to be confident is like telling someone to be happy.

Happiness cannot be pursued directly, and if it is, the results are almost certain to be quickly forgotten and disappointed. Rather, it's a byproduct of losing yourself in some pursuit, moment, feeling, or idea.

Confidence is like happiness -- it cannot be pursued. Rather, it is the product of life-changing processes or experiences.

There is a basic formula for building lasting confidence.

Being afraid of something + being determined to do it + doing it = confidence

Motivational quotes, pop psychology and self-affirmation are only temporary confidence boosts. While they may make you feel good, they lack a basic foundation. They're like temporary Band-Aids.

You may want to hear some secret formulas, but like most things in life, the foundations of great beginnings often seem simple. Only when viewed from a distance do they appear complex and inaccessible.

Challenge is the mortar used to build the foundation of confidence. We succeeded in building confidence one at a time. Perhaps this is the long-term temptation of self-help - it provides an external resource that lays the first confidence foundation for self-development and growth.

This idea is echoed in childhood, where good parenting instills a sense of visionary confidence. "Wow. Honey, you're amazing "comments help build kids' confidence. However, this specious compliment to adults can come across as false and dishonest.

What do you say to people who lack confidence

Instead of telling them that they are intrinsically great and amazing, give them a challenge. They may not accept it, but you've done your part. You can't impose confidence on anyone.

Only a transformative experience can influence someone to create lasting change. Any challenge, no matter how small it may seem, is the water and sunlight the seeds of faith need to grow.

There are no losers - as Westerners, we are so focused on success that we often forget that taking on a personal challenge is transformative enough. Whatever the outcome, taking on a task and completing it shows that he or she is capable.

I have been a high school teacher for the past eight years. I have to admit that I've given up on the idea of inspiring change simply by offering life advice. Instead, I offer a challenge.

Students who lack confidence, I nurture them. I started small. I empower them to create confidence in themselves. All this time, I stood on the sidelines watching them challenge themselves again and again.

The unstoppable confidence program

Remember the three steps to building confidence. Is it right to think simple?

Choose what scares you.

Commit to doing it and follow through.

As a result, they become more confident.

Sounds too simple? The beauty of simplicity is that it is the underlying ingredient of the greatest achievement. Is the water slowly wore off the rock, or the steady hand, to create a masterpiece. Simple formulas can create extraordinary great things.

The next time someone lacks confidence and they feel like they can't go on or don't know how to go on, don't just bubble them up with kind, you-can-do comments.

Instead, give them a challenge.