A rant, perhaps.

See, honestly I am the easiest person to impress because literally no one has ever really bought me flowers or taken me dancing or on a picnic or any of that romantic junk and I would just melt at any of it.

But if there's anything I've learned about myself it's that I'm extremely complicated. Though I didn't realize it until it got to the point that every guy I've ever dated eventually told me that I'm complicated. It was never in a toxic way though, I suppose I could say I always kept them on their toes. And they liked that. I was like, a puzzle to them and no matter how much I wanted nothing more than to give them the missing puzzle piece; they'd rather figure me out on my own. It was extremely intriguing.

It starts off as friendship, obviously. If your partner isn't your best friend then you've got it all wrong. I'm a rather closed off person, but will throw facts about myself in the void of an awkward silence. Which is why it's so nice when you can be quiet with someone without it being awkward. Not all spaces need to be filled with words, just because it's quiet doesn't mean it's awkward or uncomfortable, at least not to me.

I don't talk unless spoken to. Most people see that as me being upset but sometimes I'd rather just be quiet. Or I simply have nothing to say. It's kind of my thing, my defining characteristic; speechless. Which is why I never understand how someone starts liking me, and what's even worst is that it's always someone who has the courage to actually tell me about it.

Goodness, I'm such an awkward mess. Anyways, I’m not the mom friend, I’m the dad friend: tries to take care of their friends but is too distant and emotionally clumsy to be any good at it. But I'm so good at the pep talk after you've fallen down or had a bad day. I learned to be proficient in that area because I had a lot of people depending on me to be a shoulder to lean on or a ray of sunshine at a young age. Which is probably why I'm such a tragic self destructive mess because, I had no one. And don't get the wrong picture when I say "self destructive".

Self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. Sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. Sometimes it’s crossing the street without looking both ways. Sometimes it’s showering with the water a little too hot. Sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. Sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing out. Self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things so never assume what someone may be going through just because they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

This why it's so important to be kind to literally everyone. Be kind. Be ridiculously, radically, endlessly kind. Be a part of someone’s good day. Send nice thoughts, send positive vibes, send support and love and well wishes. Just be kind. So often we wish for tomorrow to be a good day when we are at our lowest, some sort of sign that it gets better. Be a part of that better day for someone. The world does not magically decide that it will be softer on you today, tomorrow, the next day and sometimes it starts with a message from someone else, maybe a little bit of inner strength to pull yourself up and take a shower. Maybe a bit of sunlight makes the day better but it’s these small things, these soft things that make a day better. So be kind. Don’t ever think about being anything other than kind. Be a part of someone’s good day because you don’t know how desperate they might be for it.

And even though it's good to be good to others, don't forget to be good to yourself. I can't even count the amount of times a day I'm toxic to myself. I literally will not tell people who are hurting me that they’re hurting me because I’m afraid of hurting them by telling them they’re hurting me. It’s such a mess, I'M such a mess. I treat other people better than I treat myself, another self destructive habit by yours truly. At this point, my feelings are hurting my feelings more than the people who are actually hurting my feelings.

Come to think about, I'm sure the main reason I'm so emotionally secluded to this day is because of the people I thought were my friends. I just have this big good heart towards the wrong people, and I don't regret many things but that was definitely one of them. Here’s the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don’t explain yourself. They accept apologies you don’t give. They see the best in you when you don’t need them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word “busy” does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don’t. And you wonder why they’re the most sensitive people. You wonder why they’re the most caring people. You wonder why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectation in return. You wonder why their existence is not so essential to your well-being. It’s because they don’t make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they think they’ve earned and you accepted the love you think you’re entitled to. Let me tell you something. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don’t become grey out of no where. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it’s been treated with coldness for a while.

And it just got to the point where I told myself, look: the right people will get it. The right people will see you and appreciate you for the person that you are. The right people won’t require you to dilute, censor, or edit yourself in order to be worthy of their time and affection. You don’t need to waste your time on people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

See, I can even pep talk myself.

I no longer force things. What flows flows. What crashes, crashes. I only have space and energy for things that are meant for me.

There are people in this world you haven’t even met yet who are going to love you so much, so please just hold on because the people who are right for you will find you.

Not sure what I've been trying to convey here exactly. But, maybe you could take some of these words to heart, it certainly wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.