A lesson in vulnerability

I know I should say something, but the thought of opening my mouth scares me. I sat in silence, suffering alone.

The longer I waited for him to notice me, the more excited I became. Feelings of anger, insult, and rejection spread through my body, heating up every inch of me from the inside.

I came all this way to be with him. How dare he ignore me? Does he expect me to sit here all night by myself? How could he not know I was angry?

When I finally plucked up enough courage to share my feelings with him, he laughed and told me I was "pouting" and that he didn't have the energy to help me with my "thing."

During our brief encounter, he triggered me in every possible way. He could be so immersed in what he was doing that I felt he would forget I was even there. Even when we were together, I felt incredibly alone and neglected.

Because of this, I never felt safe around him when I was vulnerable. For fear of "scaring him off," I hid my true feelings and pretended I was happy with the situation. I longed for a deeper connection, but settled in the rare moment when he looked up and noticed me.

His answer confirmed what I already knew. He wouldn't even listen to the truth. Somehow, I was able to accept this and found the courage to let go after learning a valuable lesson.

Emotional security is necessary for me to open up and feel comfortable being vulnerable.

Are you afraid of being vulnerable?

In order for us to feel comfortable sharing our deepest emotions, we have to feel safe. We need to feel that the people to whom we are prepared to disclose sensitive information will not judge, criticize or reject us for the often "less pretty" emotions that are a natural part of being human.

We all have a tendency to protect ourselves from things that could hurt us. But because our emotional security is often not what we are aware of, we often unconsciously respond to perceived emotional threats in our lives.

It's adaptive to feel insecure around someone or something that could hurt you. But if we are not aware of our emotional "watchdogs," we may be too scared to indiscriminately shut out people and experiences.

The body doesn't lie

My feeling of emotional danger was present in my body. I felt a pinch in my chest. My hands began to tingle. My breathing became incredibly shallow. I shut down and shut down.

As much as I like to think of myself as mature and mature, I withdraw and become a scared little girl when I feel insecure. Relationships with men are what I'm most excited about.

Before I became aware of these patterns, I couldn't express these feelings. All I know is that something makes me uncomfortable.

Recognizing that discomfort is essential, but finally being able to label it as emotionally insecure added another layer to my self-understanding and allowed me to deal with my emotions more deeply.

Childhood regulate

Not only do I respond to what I perceive as current threats, but my feelings are conditioned by specific experiences I repressed during my childhood. I began to realize that growing up, I too felt ignored and unheard of.

My mother loved me, no doubt, but dealing with her own depression left me with little room to express my own negative feelings. I always felt I had to be extra "good" and "happy" and every other positive adjective I could think of.

I learned to hide all the "bad stuff," but subconsciously craved a sense of security -- a sense that I could create space for being completely real. These Revelations allowed me to begin to deal with things I didn't know would affect my interactions with others.

An opportunity to deepen connections

Whenever I start to feel myself shutting down with a trigger, I get used to that feeling, take a deep breath and focus on keeping myself open. In these moments, I have the opportunity to be vulnerable and develop deeper connections.

Think about a time when you felt emotionally insecure.

What was the situation then?

How are you feeling?

How does your body react?

Now, think about a time when you felt emotionally secure.

What/who makes you feel safe?

How do you feel when you're safe?

Use the answers to these questions as a barometer of your emotional safety when you want to open up and be vulnerable. By noticing this, you can share more appropriately at the right time and make more meaningful connections with your loved ones.