5 tips for having a tough conversation

My friend, writer and artist Christine Mason Miller once wrote in her book Ordinary Shining Moments that communication between people is like a ball - you have to throw it for the other person to catch.

If you don't? Someone gets punched in the face. It's really hard. That doesn't promote communication.

Most people spend a lot of time just trying to pluck up the courage to have a difficult conversation with someone. It's a tough space, isn't it?

No one likes to initiate a conversation that they know they need to communicate a conflict between them.

After you check to make sure you're not working on manipulation when you decide to tell the truth, here are some guidelines for throwing the ball more successfully so that others can catch it.

1. Take responsibility for resentment

If you don't tell the person that you're upset with them because of a long-term pattern, then you need to take responsibility for that -- that's on you.

Telling them about mistakes they've made over the past year probably won't do any good, especially if you're upset about the history of things and involve conversations that are more than a month old.

At this point, you put someone in the position of trying to remember what was said.

After a few weeks, let's be honest: no one can remember exactly who said what with 100% accuracy, let alone the tone of voice or the context in which it was said.

You have to focus on a recent issue, and you have to talk about it lighthearted, not bashing them with five things they said or did wrong.

2. Take responsibility for your feelings

"Just because you feel it doesn't mean they did it."

It's a mantra that has made a huge difference in my relationships, especially in my marriage.

You might be convinced that someone's actions mean X, Y, or Z.

You may also accept it in person. Even if it seems that this must be impossible, it's worth thinking about, because while I can't say this with scientific accuracy, my guess is that 90 percent of the conflict is about people's personal perceptions.

A quick email? Someone forgot to answer their voicemail? Your husband doesn't seem interested in the magazine article you want to talk about? Is your friend a week late sending a birthday card?

These are things that people are angry about, not personal. People are busy. People forget things. People are not interested in the same things.

Don't make it meaningful -- especially about how much they love or don't love you. Consider how you would feel if you were on the other side. What sympathy do you want when you are in a hurry to do something? When did you forget?

If you walk into a conversation with blame, without first taking personal responsibility for your actions, then you walk into a conversation with blame. These are not two meetings of equality and mutual respect.

If you don't respect people, it's hard to expect the same in return.

3. Use common language

For years, I couldn't understand why I would use all the respectful "I" information in the world and then when I talked to them about a conflict zone.

Doesn't the use of "I" statements have full ownership to me? Isn't everything a request rather than a need that should promote more contact?

It is, but to someone unfamiliar with this way of speaking, it sounds remote. The arrogant. Maybe even a little manipulative. You don't sound like your normal, everyday, talkative self. They can say it. They want to know what happened.

Find ways to communicate your needs and requirements in a way that actually sounds like you. Again, you throw the ball so they can catch it, because that's the only way two people can really communicate.

4. Give people time to react

Many of us grew up with parents who, when they wanted us to stop a certain behavior, said, "If you don't stop this behavior now, you're going to get time-out!"

The consequences of our actions were immediately evident to us. What do you do X? You're going to get Y.

It can be tempting to go to that place when it comes to conflict resolution, and in a society full of self-help messages, it's not uncommon to find someone twisting them and becoming a little nobler.

"If she doesn't stop doing this, then she's a toxic friend, so I can't have a relationship with her anymore!"

The problem: Bringing this energy into the conversation is not helpful.

Now, when someone yells at you or does something dangerous or has impulse control issues, yes, you have to let people know the impact of their actions and what your boundaries are.

In this case, you have to say, "I feel disrespected when you _______, and if this doesn't stop, I'll hang up."

But what about when the conflict is about everyday life and living? Be open to negotiations and accept responses rather than setting preemptive boundaries.

Give people space to absorb your ideas, breathe with them, and feel like the two of you are working out options together - not that if they don't do things your way, they'll get results.

Good communication actually promotes connection rather than one person's agenda. Ask yourself before speaking or sending an email: Would I feel closer and more connected if I heard someone say this to me?

5. Have difficult conversations with several solutions

Most people think mainly about how to tell others that they are upset.

Less attention is paid to finding mutually agreeable solutions.

Let's say a friend forgets your birthday. You know there's a part of you that takes it personally - of course she still loves you, and forgetting your birthday was completely unintentional.

At the same time, you notice that some distance has developed between you. You notice that when she forgets this birthday, you suddenly remember every once in a while that she forgot something important to you.

It occurs to you that maybe this is a pattern and you want to stop this pattern because it's causing a disconnect in the relationship.

These are important things to note.

Now, before you start the conversation, determine what you want the outcome to be. You want to connect, right? She might want that, too.

Don't focus on getting an apology from her. This makes you the wronged party and she the bad guy.

Instead, emphasize how you can bring more connection to your relationship. Brainstorm solutions. In what ways can interested parties meet their connectivity needs?

This may mean that one solution is acceptance. Sometimes we need to love the person they are, rather than wishing they were something different.

When she forgets things, you may need to get over it. Other times, there are opportunities for humor. Maybe the two of you can come to an agreement to keep things light: "New friendship rule: She jumps into a fancy restaurant after forgetting her birthday!"

Regardless, be prepared to respectfully share your feelings and have an honest conversation. At the same time, most people will feel a grudging resentment at being asked to complete a task when the focus of the conversation is that someone needs to apologize and change their behavior to make you happy.

At the end of the day, throwing the ball for someone to catch is a sign of love.

When the desire for a connection between equals is the most important topic of conversation, it may feel less intense, and everyone involved is more likely to meet their needs.