A Definitive Ranking of Dating Apps
and a guide to avoiding carpal tunnel
Take it from me (or don’t, really it’s your call) that girl who was a part-time swiper, full-time third wheel. The girl who constantly got asked “how are you single?!” (sidenote- for what it’s worth, do NOT ask single people such dumb and borderline insulting questions), and promised to be set up by every friend, aunt, uncle, coworker, barista, and stranger on the street. The one who was passively swiping but also secretly kind of loving the single life, I KNOW dating sites (at least the free ones). While all of my friends were settling down, getting married, and having kids, I was dabbling in online dating, apps, and sharing dinners with my cat. But the strange thing was- I was okay with it! In the end, I walked away relatively unscathed and currently dating the dude of my dreams (barf) who I met- not so surprisingly- on one of those apps. Let’s take a deep dive into my ranking of online dating as we travel through my short, and brutally honest, segment “Are These Even Worth It?”
1. Plenty of Fish:
In my humble opinion, it was more like Plenty of Creeps. Sure, the messages flew in, and it was fun to wade through the crazies (see: love poems, sugardaddies, fantasizing our future in the first message, etc.) but unless you want to be hassled by men asking about your preference in penis size right off the rip (dudes, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS), have someone show up at your place of employment (my bad for telling them where I worked, I guess), and cussed out when you don’t respond or decline advances, I’d stay away. If that’s what you’re into; then who am I to yuck your yum?
In defense of the site: I did have a few good conversations, but they ultimately lead nowhere.
Rank: 3/5 Hopeful Hearts
No. Just. No. If I thought POF was bad, this was worse. I am not sure if it was a glitch in the app, matrix, or what but there was not. One. Match. That would ever in my lifetime be the tiniest bit compatible with me. If I said blue, they said alligator, we were that far from the same page. Thinking back on it now, I honestly don’t think I know a single person that met their significant other on OKCupid. I deleted it as fast as I signed up for it. Really, not worth your time or profile-building energy.
In defense of the site: They gave me a really cool dinosaur-inspired automated username, so that was pretty legit.
Rank: 2 / 5 Hopeful Hearts
I was a master Bumbler (also probably a bumbling idiot most days) and am a huge fan of Bumble. I won’t get TOO nerdy on you but the interface is wonderful. The fact that girls get to message first makes it fun (although I was that person that forgot to message someone when we matched, or got intimidated and that match would disappear back into Bumble-verse before I knew it) , and I thought the caliber of guys was higher than that of other apps. The fact that you can “backtrack” if you accidentally swipe yes/no on someone was also huge. I had a few great conversations on Bumble that ultimately lead nowhere, but I also made a good guy friend through it. I am sure you can tell at this point I’m a Bumble advocate; and if I’m ever single again (dear god please don’t let me be) it’d probably be the first app I re-download.
In defense of the site: do I really need to defend it at this point?
Rank: 4.5/5 Hopeful Hearts
Tinder. Is. My. Hands. Down. Favorite. No joke. It was the first dating app I ever really fully committed to, even if it is more well known as a “hook-up app”. You’re gonna get skeezy fuckboys (or fuckgirls) anywhere. You just have to learn to weed through them, which is easy to do on Tinder. The fact that it’s known as a hook-up app leaves a little bit more of a stigma to it, which is plain out annoying. We are all on these apps, stop denying it, and stop yucking peoples yums (even those sugar daddies/sugar babies out there- not my thing but you do you, boo). I had a lot of really good conversations on Tinder, went on a few great dates from Tinder, and ultimately met my boyfriend on Tinder - we have been together for 2 years now and I can’t imagine not being with him (so please don’t force me to re-download Bumble). I say give it a shot, know what you want, and get to swipin’!
In defense of the site: Know what you want heading in, and don’t get annoyed with people who just want the FWB life.
Rank: 5/5 Hopeful Hearts.
In the end: know what you're ultimately going for and commit. Commit to dating, to the FWB lifestyle, to your kinks or what-have-you. Just make sure you're committing. Passive swiping will get you absolutely nowhere- as does desperate swiping. And if you feel like you got yourself in a bad situation, GET. OUT. Trust your gut instinct; either good or bad, and I promise you, it'll make navigating left and right swipes a lot more fun.
(Also- don't be afraid to use a backtrack, it could land you the guy of your dreams)
(Follow me on Instagram at @ec.from.cle)