A Day in the Life of a Fool

Who needs Jacque Cousteau or Stephen Hawking to tell you about a life that has never been explored? Allow me to give you a tour of a typical day in the life of a dweeb/dork/geek/nerd. It's easy. All we have to do is look at my typical and mundane day.

5:00 AM: I joyously wake up to the sound of my alarm. Some five seconds later, I gather my strength to hit the snooze button. That'll give me another five minutes of quality sleep.

6:00 AM: Well, after fiddling around with the snooze alarm for the last 55 minutes, I guess that it was time for me to just get my fat head out of bed and go to the job I truly dread. There was no need to do this, but I needed the money, and somebody was needed to clean up the poop at the zoo. And why did I have to drop out of school? I should have listened to my family and stayed in school.

7:00 AM: If anyone tells you that riding a NYC subway is fun, kick them where the sun doesn't shine. Riding a subway is no fun. First of all, the letters in the logo MTA stands for "My Train Absent." When the sucker finally arrived after a half an hour, it was too crowded. I immediately went to an "empty" car. I then slipped on what I thought was a puddle of water. Unfortunately, it was yellow and had a yellow tint to it. Great! No wonder nobody sat near the area. After a few stops, I rushed to my second train and sat.....in it!!! Somehow, SOME human beings are not toilet-trained either because I sat on a brown, gooey pyramid. I had to wear that mark of distinction all day because I had no change of clothes and no time to go back home to change my clothes.

8:00 AM: I had no breakfast and my stomach was rumbling like a 1958 Buick with a bad muffler. I had to get something to eat or this was going to get much worse. I went to a corner deli to grab a quick meal. I figured that a bagel and a coffee should not cost much. I had a $10 bill in my pocket. Was I wrong! Turns out that $10 will get me an unbuttered bagel and some water. Okay. It was better than nothing. WAIT!! I saw that the deli man's fly was wide open.

I asked him, "Did you wash your hands?"

To which he replied,"Yes! I wash them every Friday!"

Unfortunately, this was Wednesday. I decided to use my $10 and buy an UNOPENED can of Coca Cola.

9:00 AM: Time for work. What a "pleasant" surprise! When I changed into my work clothes, my boss was kind enough to inform me that all three elephants and two of the horses had the runs. The boss told me not to worry because he had someone who was going to get in there and manage the manure. I asked him to tell me who was going to do that vile and nasty job. He instructed me to go into an empty room and look in the mirror. I did. I saw some sad and pathetic individual. I started to laugh at the fool and then realized where I saw that fool's face. It was mine!

10:00 AM: Oh boy! Oh, joy! The elephants stopped their droppings and so did the horses! Now I can concentrate on finding some way to get this wretched smell off me! I have a date tonight and I need to make a great impression on her. As it stands now, the elephants smell better than I do. Maybe I can run through a car wash before I get home and get cleaned up that way.

11:00 AM: It is almost time for lunch, but it really didn't matter. I kinda snacked on most of the animals' stuff early on. Trust me when I say this. Things do NOT go better with Coke or Pepsi or anything else for that matter. Did you know that snakes are carnivores and only eat things that we would call an exterminator to catch? Let me put it this way. If you want to know what a rat tastes like, I guarantee that it does NOT taste like chicken.

Noon: No time to eat. Things that are in my stomach are coming out of both ends. I think that I can see elephants and horses laughing at me. Oh the horror!!!

1:00 PM: Thank goodness the zoo nurse had some Imodium for me to crunch on. Mmmmm! Mmmmmm! Good! Back to work. More manure to clean up.

2:00 PM: I wonder if I could get some early time off if I faked an illness? I am still having trouble keeping my food INSIDE of my body.

3:00 PM: Well, it's time for me to go home. I did my six hours today. Now, I gotta figure out HOW I am going to get home. If I hop on the subway, I will smell as bad as the bums. Then again, if I hop on the subway, I am sure that I will get a whole subway car to myself. Others do. It's worth a shot.

4:00 PM: My plan worked! Not only did I get a whole subway car to myself, I even got a whole subway station to myself as well. Maybe there is something to this smelly stuff. It seems to be a great repellent. I just have to get rid of my offensive odor before my 7 PM date.

5:00 PM: I decided to hop in the shower and scrub and scrub and scrub. It's no use! This odor is gonna stay with me! WHY???? I have a big date tonight. I can't meet her while I am smelling like a spring skunk. This is my only chance to get some lovin' in my life.

6:00 PM: Okay. I THINK that I got rid of that awful smell. I feel confident that this will be my night. How can she resist the very handsome ME, Lenny Lothario? It is impossible. I will put on a nice suit and a smile. I will give her some flowers and the magic will begin...as soon as I can stop using the toilet bowl!!!! Dang Imodium stopped working again.

7:00 PM: Wow! My date is GORGEOUS! I wanted to kiss her, but every time I lean in for a kiss, she vomits something terrible. I put my arm around her shoulders and she still vomits. Poor girl must be sick. I wonder why? I'd kiss her on the lips, but I am afraid that she will puke into my mouth. I can't wait to take her dancing.

8:00 PM: That was a short date. For some reason, she got a very important phone call telling her that she had to get home immediately because somebody was sick. I could have sworn that she said that she lived alone. Hmmmm! I guess that anything is possible. I hope that everything is okay.

9:00 PM: My date just called to say that she feels that things may not be right between us and that she is going to look for someone else. I guess that this means that she is dumping me. Well, that hurts. I guess that it is time to move on.

10:00 PM: Time for the news.

11:00 PM: Time for more news. I wonder who is on the Jimmy Fallon Show tonight.

Midnight: Good night, world. Time for bed! Gotta get up and pick up the poop at the zoo tomorrow. Dang elephants.