6 Unconscious Biases I’ve Had as a Demisexual

I’ve never fully committed to the term until recently, but for those who don’t know, being demisexual means that one does not feel sexual attraction for another until an emotional connection first exists.

The main reason I never fully committed to the term was because I could still find someone sexually attractive; I just didn’t want to sleep with them until I got to know them and felt something deeper. I remember explaining this in high school only to be met with blank looks. Sorry, but to me there’s a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted.

As it turns out, this is normal for many demisexuals. However, I wondered what other biases I had as an unconscious demisexual.

1. I thought everyone wanted connection first

Have you seen those (for a lack of a better word) inspirational social media posts that say something like, “it’s easy to get naked and have sex, but it’s hard to expose your naked heart”? I never understood those posts.

For me, it was the reverse. If you ask me a question, I’ll honestly answer you. Why? Because I need the connection in order to feel motivated to do anything else. Sex was scarier because I had to gauge whether or not the connection was adequate. (To be honest, if I had to ask in the first place, the answer must be no.)

The times when I had sex, it was a no brainer because the relationship was oozing connection. Some were built in years, others less so. The times when the connection was good but strained, I was very torn on whether or not to have sex.

It’s laughable to think that most people want connection first, sex second. Clearly I was ignoring reality or maybe it was because I was Christian for so long that I assumed this was how it really was but not even Christians are like this. The reality was that people just want to have a good, sweaty, orgasmic time but they had less restrictions on it than I did.

And that’s totally fine.

2. People who didn’t want connection first were dumb

Unfortunately, I didn’t always think that it was totally fine for people to have a good, sweaty, orgasmic time without the restriction of connection.

Getting connection first was a discipline I thought everyone needed to utilize because how else would you protect yourself from someone hijacking your psychology in order to sleep with you?

If you say the right things and touch the right places, you might be putty in someone else’s hands. But with gaining a connection first, at least you can determine who’s in it for the long haul.

I can’t use my hands or say certain provocative things because they’re tools only to be used on specific people. But when I saw others do it I was stunned. Surely this couldn’t be legal!

What I eventually realized was that connection was a necessity for me than for others. I regretted thinking that people who didn’t live and think like me were foolish. The way we all perceive sex and romance is different.

3. Connection isn’t everything

This is another point I was foolish and dumb. I thought that as long as I felt connection, I was safe. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Connection can manifest itself in many different ways. One can feel connection with another because of similarities, differences, contrasts, certain contexts and repressed traits. Sometimes connection can only go as far as friendship. Sometimes it can go further. Sometimes a connection can yield massive suffering when you feel a link with another but there isn’t enough love for you to be treated lovingly.

Surprise, surprise. You can still be abused even in a relationship where the connection is palpable. I found this odd because in this type of relationship it is obvious that if you hurt your partner, you’re hurting yourself. The truth is that people hurt themselves in many different ways. This would merely be another one to add to the list.

Connection is the gateway to sex for a demi, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re actually loved. In fact, demis shouldn’t be surprised at the possibility of linking up with people who are the complete opposite. (What the hell am I talking about here? I’ll explain in point #4.)

4. I will magically only connect with others who care about connection

Statistically speaking, demisexuals are outnumbered. A demi is more likely to link with someone with a more typical approach to sex (allosexual) than another demi. This is when you see human sexual nature for what it really is: an exercise in personal gratification with terrifying implications.

We look at the divorce rate and shudder. We look at the statistics on relationship satisfaction and question if commitment makes sense. If we didn’t look at these numbers as a problem but instead as an explanation of who humans are, we could finally decide to live in a way that benefits each other.

Many people would prefer to sleep with many different people than just one person for the rest of their life. Nothing is wrong with that. But because they feel that they ought to be monogamous, as if it’s some civic responsibility, we have a lot of people aiming for intimate relationships when they aren’t emotionally responsible enough to be in one.

A demi linking up with someone who is avoiding intimacy is a nightmare. The idea of connecting with someone just to have them pull the rug from under you is enough to make you commitment-phobic. The reality is even worse because then you start to realize why demisexuality exists on the asexual spectrum.

Your half in the world of sexuality and half in the world of asexuality. If no one is making sex worth your while, you start to drift into thinking that sex is unnecessary; that is until someone makes you remember why it is pleasant.

Personal gratification in and of itself is not a bad thing. However, people should be honest on how they want to live and commit to it. Forget social conventions because the pretense is annoying and exhausting for everyone involved.

For example, if you want a family, you need to be demonstrating your interest in that before you even have one. Failing to do so makes others think you’re not serious.

Even I as a demi could see the joy in being sexual with a few people as long as connection is present. To be honest, that was the only time sleeping around made any sense to me.

5. Making up scenarios of connection is okay

Here’s the problem with imagination. If you make your dream vivid enough, it will feel real. Imagining a fully-blossomed connection with someone when it doesn’t exist will make you think and act as if it is real. Unfortunately, it is not.

When you take actions under the impression that this connection is deep, the other person (who didn’t have the same daydream) cannot fulfil what you want in that moment. As a result, you’ll feel pretty bummed about it until you remember that you made it up.

It’s something I’ve done because connection is rare. Moreover, when you’ve had an extremely deep connection, connection is now redefined and it becomes even rarer. But you remember a time when you thought you reached the pinnacle only for the clouds to pass and, lo and behold, there was more mountain to climb. It’s motivation to keep going.

6. Demisexuals are trying to be special

I guess the inner critic came up with this one, or maybe my mind latched onto the criticisms from normal people against anyone who was considered atypical.

In my mind, talking about how horny emotional connection makes you feel basically meant that you were trying to be morally superior and above simple carnal desire.

I guess this is the second reason I didn’t want to take the label. It was my reality but I downplayed it. I forced myself onto dating apps only to delete them in a few days. I pressured myself for sex but it would only happen with someone I was super close to. I tried pick up artistry and exhumed my most shameful life experience.

When you pretend that you’re the same as everyone else, yet you watch everyone else do things that you can’t do and don’t want to do, at some point you have to drop the pretense.

You’re different. Even if you don’t want to take the label, acknowledging and accepting that you’re different will make your life a lot easier.

One thing I definitely don’t want to do is make it a part of my identity because I’m more than just a sexual orientation. However, it is a part of my psychosexual experience and because it isn’t the normal/allosexual experience, I’ll share it with those who are interested in hearing about it.

Like I said earlier, if you ask, I’ll answer. This is me connecting.