The Argan Oil Chronicles Part V

Hostage Situation Develops as Argan Oil Tanker Seized by Pirates

Reportedly Hid Within the Straights of Gibraltar Before Staging Daring Raid on Morrocan Vessel Laden with Millions of Tons of the Valuable Beauty and Personal Care Oil.

Terror on the high seas as once again argan oil pirates have commandeered a Moroccan tanker on its way to deliver it’s precious cargo of the world’s most valuable hair care product additive. It is the third time in just the last month that pirates have captured a tanker and marks the 50th recorded raid this year. Much like in previous attacks the pirates used stealth and speed to their advantage, hiding until only moments before their target was in range and then rapidly boarding and overtaking the vessel before the crew even realized what was happening.

All eighteen members of the Moroccan crew are now hostages and ransom demands have already been relayed to the Moroccan government and crew members families. A transcript of one such demand was made available and read in part “…………..We ‘ave yer precious cargo o’ arrhgan oil. We ‘ave th’ ships crew. We shall scuttle one hostage every hour on th’ hour ’til we get th’ twenty million in untraceable financial instruments we demanded delivered exactly as instructed, and we do nah accept bitcoin. We do nah believe Nakamoto’s solution t’ th’ double-spendin’ problem usin’ a peer-t’-peer network be legitimate or workable in th’ long term. Simply put th’ required network timestamps on transactions could nah be accomplished by hashin’ them into an ongoin’ chain o’ hash-based proof-o’-works. Contrary t’ Nakamoto, this log could be changed without redoin’ th’ proof-o’-work. Moreover, th’ longest chain may nah always prove th’ sequence o’ events witnessed, or prove that it came from th’ largest pool o’ CPU power. In any o’ these (rare) cases th’ entire blockchain collapses ‘n bitcoin be worthless. T’ repeat, we do nah accept bitcoin…...” The pirates provided copies of several papers published by their leader in the journals Acta Mathematica and Inventiones Mathematicae in which they used Nash’s equilibrium to illustrate the ultimate impossibility of a non decryptable blockchain. In what should have been a clue the papers include several cryptic messages blasting argan ail for “ruining the environment” and even hint at the hostage taking tactic the pirates would employ “….the so called Prisoner’s dilemma described by Nash is the same dilemma the Moroccan government will face when we present our demands…...”

As of press time it was unclear if any of the hostages had yet been killed.

Author’s note: I am on a roll now. Argan oil, pirates, bitcoin. Sweet. It proves once again what I have been saying about argan oil to anyone who will listen to my crazy rantings (no one). Argan oil is the newest, hottest, kid on the block when it comes to topical, factoid based, humor like, internet-o-sphere postings. Act now before it is too late, and start publishing argan oil themed works or you will look like a fool later. You do not want to be the last writer to hop on this argan oil based bandwagon. Believe me. Note: you probably should not believe me.

Morocco Angers International Chemists By Unilaterally Renaming 18th Element in the Periodic Table

Argon To Be Known as Argan in Moroccan Chemistry Texts and All Official Government Communiques

Senior members of the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC) were reportedly outraged today by the news that Morocco had renamed argon, the 18th element in the periodic table, argan, purportedly in honor of argan oil, the countries economic lifeblood and most iconic symbol. A visibly shaken and angry IUPAC spokesmen Jim Stevens said the following about the unconventional maneuver. “This unilateral decision made by the country of Morocco is an outrageous usurpation of power and cannot be allowed to stand. It is in violation of all norms of accepted element naming practices, the name itself does not even meet the IUPAC minimum requirements which clearly state that an element can only be named after a mythological concept, a mineral, a place or country, a property, or a scientist. Neither the argan tree, nor argan oil are any of those things. If Morocco is allowed to get away with this who knows what other country might decide they also want a special element name. Do you like nitrogen, atomic symbol N? Me too. Well what if some precinct minister in Oslo decides he would rather it be called Norway? Or, how about instead of lithium ion batteries, you find yourself putting Lithuanian ion batteries in your next laptop computer. Does that seem OK to you?” He then pulled out a newly issued Moroccan chemistry text and continued. “And look at the liberties they have taken in some of their descriptions of the facts concerning argon. Where a standard chemistry textbook says the following; Argon is a chemical element with symbol Ar and atomic number 18. It is in group 18 of the periodic table and is a noble gas. Argon is the third-most abundant gas in the Earth’s atmosphere, at 0.934% (9340 ppmv). It is more than twice as abundant as water vapor (which averages about 4000 ppmv, but varies greatly), 23 times as abundant as carbon dioxide(400 ppmv), and more than 500 times as abundant as neon (18 ppmv). Argon is the most abundant noble gas in Earth’s crust, comprising 0.00015% of the crust. The Morrocan textbook includes very similar wording but also adds a final so called fact- argan leaves your hair looking shiny and lustrous but without the greasy residue left behind by all those other hair oils. It may be true but it is entirely inappropriate.” He then slammed the book to the ground and stormed off the stage grumbling “damn f&*n Moroccan’s and their blasted argan oil.”