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Good Guy and Bad Guy Reach Historic Accord

Mankind Now On Its Own

By Everyday JunglistPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 3 min read
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Image courtesy of Pixabay

Author's note: Two author comments were removed from this story without my permission prior to publishing. They both explained the backstory of this story. It was rejected twice for "religious content" before finally being published. Know that this story is published in its current form under protest.

Good guy, the omnipotent/omniscient deity and force for all things good, just, and right and bad guy, the great deceiver, father of lies, and ultimate force for evil in the Universe reached a historic accord today, agreeing to end their aeons old conflict and leave humanity to its own fate, absent either of their influences. "Of course I knew this day would come, I am omniscient after all" said Good guy shortly after the detente was signed at the celestial center of the Universe. Good guy continued, "Since the dawn of consciousness in man I have done all in my power to steer them to the good, but even though my powers are infinite I have managed to accomplish very little in that regard. By and large mankind just doesn't seem all that interested in doing the right thing. It appears they would rather spend their days sitting in front of shiny screens with blank looks of resignation watching kittens being cute or ordering more useless junk from any number of online retailers. I was sorely tempted to just hand them over to bad guy to do with as he will, but then I remembered I am supposed to be the good one and decided it would be better to try and strike a deal that could be to both of our advantages. I knew he had also become disillusioned with his own seeming inability to make much of a dent in the overall evil of humanity, and thought we might for once share something in common and upon which we might be able to agree. That was when I decided to reach out to bad guy with my proposal which eventually brought us to the agreement we both signed today." After Good guy spoke the unholy malevolence that is bad guy slowly rose from his throne of burning ice saying "Though it pains me beyond all reason to say this, Good guy is actually right for once. Humanity is simply beyond all hope. They cannot be turned into a great force for evil, misery, and pain in the Universe as I had thought for so many millennia. I will have to assemble my army of darkness some other way. Man is just too damn lazy and sad to be of any use to me. When Good guy first approached me with this plan of course I cursed feverishly, and mocked him as a fool and a coward. I am bad guy after all. But, just as I was preparing to summon a horde of dark banshees to feast on his juicy entrails I realized something. Humanity is not worth all this effort. To be blunt, they suck. They are nothing but a pack of worthless mouth breathers to self absorbed and ignorant to tie their own shoes, let alone capable of rampaging through the Universe reigning destruction, death, and disease upon any who would dare to oppose me. It was at that moment I decided I would agree to Good guy's bargain, give up all claim on humanity and immediately cease all my activities on earth which seek to influence their activities or evolution. They can rot in their stench and filth for all I care." With that he spat a great fire from his mouth into the sky and disappeared. When asked how he could possibly trust bad guy to live up to his end of the deal given his reputation as the greatest liar in the Universe Good guy simply looked at the questioner, sighed sadly, and disappeared. Reached for comment humanity replied "What now? Oh right, Good guy and bad guy, are they the ones with that YouTube channel with the kittens that look like Hitler and Jesus? They are so darn cute."

satire
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About the Creator

Everyday Junglist

Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user

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