Belts With Holes are Dead

I am so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but you would have found out sooner or later. It turns out, belts with holes are dead.

In one possible dystopian future the fall of man was brought about not by a nuclear holocaust or alien invasion, nor by a biological agent unleashing a zombie plague or a global economic collapse, but rather by an event so mundane, so random, so seemingly inconsequential that not even the wisest of men could have predicted it. This is the world of belts with holes are dead. A world ended when the last belt with holes suddenly disappeared from our planet earth. A hellish nightmarescape where the ability to keep one’s pants up even if they are too large is no longer an option for most. The rich seclude themselves in future belt enclaves where they live in relative luxury and wear whatever size pants within +/- two sizes they desire while the poor live in squalor, suffering from constant pants droppage or doing anything they can to just get by. The lowest of these, the so called “below the knee cutters” are the worst off by far. Their misery was so great that they actually took scissors to every pair of pants they owned and cut them off below the knees. Sick I know, do not read on if you are faint of heart. The only hope left are the so called Pioneers of Future Belts. Will they arrive in time to save our once beautiful planet and usher in a utopian paradise where everyone, regardless of means, can choose to wear whatever pants they want, no matter the waist size or inseam length? These stories represent the collected works of just some of the people who lived through those dark times. Pray their future does not become our own.

I am still stunned myself. When I read that very shocking headline I was wearing a belt with holes in it like a chump. More like some twisted pervert who gets a sick thrill out of walking around with a dead thing strapped around his waste. Disgusting and disturbing.

I am still trying to process it all. Belts with holes are dead. It doesn’t even feel real. Did I really just write those words? How is such a thing even possible? Every single belt I currently own except for one has holes. In this new reality they aren’t even belts anymore, I’m not sure what they are. Straps with holes in them I suppose, hanging, limp and dead, mocking me. The holes seem to be even larger and more evenly spaced than I remember. Then there is the one belt that I added an extra hole too when I lost all that weight after my surgery. I swear I didn’t know. If I had I never would have done such a thing. I thought belt holes would also be here, would live forever. How could I have been so naive?

The economic impacts alone are well nigh unimaginable. Think of all of the people employed in the belt clasp thingamajig (its got like an over and under section with a little stick like thing that pokes out and goes through the hole in the belt) manufacturing industry. Those people dedicated their lives to the craft of belt clasp thingamajig manufacturing. Now they are going to be jobless soon probably homeless as well. They certainly won’t be worrying about the hole status of their belts as the are going to be too poor to afford any. Ironically this will be at the very same time their need for belts will reach its nadir since they wont be able to afford much food and will be losing a lot of weight.

And what of society itself? What is to become of us in this belt holeless future. All we can say for certain is that the number of usable belts most people own has dropped by a frightening amount basically overnight. In the short term there may well be belt runs and belt shortages, possibly looting and rioting. I doubt calm will prevail for long when people wake up to the implications of a world without belts with holes. I know for a fact that I am ready to loot the fuck out of some shit right now. Let me just get some pants on and grab a belt and I am out the door. God help us if news of the death of the pants zipper gets out before this situation works itself out.