Would You Bang A Member Of The Wiggles?

Did you ever meet a guy who just seemed to draw women to him inexplicably? Certain men don’t have to do much of anything to get a girl interested — often due to his “bedroom eyes” or a quiet swagger he seems to have.

For every man with the pizazz that gets women going for no reason, there is his polar opposite. This is a man who could be dressed to the nines, clean-cut, look objectively attractive, and yet still not be able to get a single woman interested in him no matter what he does.

This is a phenomenon that I think everyone has seen but doesn’t have a name for. Recently, I was watching a documentary on the Wiggles ride in Australia and realized that the band members were a good example of this for me.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine anyone being sexually attracted to any member of the Wiggles.

Like, not for nothing, but the people who are in the Wiggles are actually very good-looking. However, the moment one of them would tell me that they are in the Wiggles, I think I’d immediately lose interest in them in a sexual manner.

The reason is pretty obvious: I could not view people who are children’s entertainers singing preschool songs in a sexual way. Like, it just doesn’t connect for me at all because I automatically see them as a little too innocent for me to be hitting on them.

For the record, I wouldn’t mind being friends with a Wiggle. That would probably be interesting and cool in its own way. (Like, what do Wiggles even do off-hours anyway? It’s a mystery to me because the closest I’ve come to children’s entertainment is Death to Smoochy.)

However, I think I’d burst into laughter if they propositioned me or worry that I’d break them if I slept with them. As a very experienced person in that department, I just feel like there would be too much of a disconnect with them.

Or, being me, I’d worry that I would feel like a bad person because they are kids’ entertainers and it just seems wrong to sleep with them. I’d probably just offer a polite handshake and walk off to a shower and bathe for 8 hours after a Wiggle propositioned me.

I mean, I don’t want to violate a Wiggle. That’s just fucking weird.

Recently, I noticed that a friend of mine has a similar issue.

Not for nothing, but I started to notice that a guy friend of mine we’re going to call Al*. Al is a great guy who has a gorgeous tan, a pearly white smile, and also happens to be a virgin at 29.

Al is just…well. He’s Al. I’m fairly certain he’s had crushes but he’s had no idea what to do with it. He has an air about him that is super innocent, sexually inexperienced, and in a way, awkwardly goofy.

Every girl I’ve seen talk to Al has said the same thing about him. They like the way he looks. He’s objectively very good-looking and fit. However, they all say, “He’s just not my type and I can’t figure out why.”

I would say that Al is a good example of a man who is Wiggle-fied. Unlike the Wiggles, there’s no direct reason why a girl would have that reaction to Al. His aura is similar to a slice of fluff pie, or Teddy Ruxpin.

People love Teddy Ruxpin and pie. They are nice. But they generally do not want to date a slice of pie or a teddy bear that you can hack and make sing death metal. He’s sweet and cuddly, but he’s not sexy. He’s like everyone’s little brother.

I mean, Al is not playing Barney in an upcoming musical or anything like that. He’s just a teacher who has an unusually innocent, pristine vibe about him.

One of the strangest parts of human nature is that we can’t always predict sexual attraction.

Believe it or not, I struggle to have people find me sexually attractive these days. It was almost like a switch was flipped overnight. One week, I was a sexy junkie. The next, that zazz went out the door and I’ve got “aunt energy” for most people around me.

This is not just a “me” thing or a thing that happens to Al, either. I’ve met quite a few people who gave off “big brother” or “cousin” or “older aunt” vibes that were just not sexual to anyone around them. I guess I’ll call it being “Wiggle-fied” for the sake of this article.

What makes someone Wiggle-fied?

I can’t explain why or how certain people just don’t get that secret sauce that makes them super hot to the opposite sex. Sexual attraction is totally arbitrary and sometimes, it’s like fitting a square peg in a round hole.

Weirdly enough, I did notice a couple of things that happen to increase the likelihood of being Wiggle-fied in this way:

• Being a little too G-rated for adults. I have a friend who is a babysitter who also does a lot of work with little kids. She is absolutely stunning, but often forgets to talk to people like an adult. Whenever she’s in the state, we hang out at bars and I notice men struggle to find her attractive because she gets stuck in “pre-K babysitter mode” with them. In dating, you want to make people feel safe, but not kid-protected-by-mommy safe.
• Behaving in a super-sterile manner with the opposite sex. I notice this a lot with guys, when their body language is just friendly but not sexual. They often don’t hold eye contact with women or may not reciprocate touch.
• Having a job that is very child-oriented. I can’t imagine banging Barney for the same reason. Like, I’m a freak in the bed, but I’m not singing-purple-dinosaur-fucking-level-freak.
• Not getting laid for a long time. I noticed at least one of my friends get “Wiggly” after he had a dry spell for a year. It was as if his sexuality just kind of drained out of him. I can’t explain it in better terms, but it was as if his aura shifted to something non-sexual.
• Coming from a sex-negative culture. I noticed that a lot of my friends who are from cultures that encourage women to cover up struggled with getting people to see them in a sexual manner. Many of them are conventionally attractive people, and it happens with both men and women. When I asked a date-gone-bad what the deal was, he straight up told me that they “couldn’t imagine being with her in the bedroom.”
• Sometimes, I also think it has to do with a person’s hormones. You know that pheromones help determine who we’re into? What if a person just…doesn’t really produce them or produces them incorrectly? This is just a theory of mine, so until there’s science behind it, I can’t say this is fact.

Can this mean that you can de-Wigglefy yourself and get your groove back? Quite possibly. I mean, we’ve all seen some glow-ups that also hit the bedroom in a good way, right?

The good news is that there is some proof that you can still be romantically successful while being “Wiggle-fied.”

I mean, members of the Wiggles have been married for years. So, clearly, Wiggle is in the eye of the beholder and the right person will absolutely still find you sexy…even if it means you have to wiggle into their hearts a little harder for them to see it.

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