Rose Quartz

I once thought that what I was experiencing was a sexual trauma of some sort. I decided to look up the definition of sexual trauma to be sure. According to the Sexual Trauma and Abuse Care Center website, sexual trauma is defined as "any sexual act that is imposed on another person without their consent."

I figured, okay, maybe this doesn't exactly fit the description that I was looking for. It somewhat matches, but not entirely. I was not the age of consent when I first started having sex, but I agreed to do it. Although I agreed, I only did because I was afraid. I was told that if I didn't, he would tell horrible lies about me and everyone would believe him over me. At my adult age, I understand how I could have handled that better, but back then, I was mortified, so I obliged. I even lied later and told my friends how much I enjoyed it. Then, as time went by, most of my sexual encounters occurred because I thought that's what I was supposed to do in order to be accepted. I dealt with more manipulation. I had even been threatened before. The things they would say to get what they want, right? Men that I wouldn't even let sniff me at my current age were allowed to have a moment with me when they were boys. I used to try to scratch my skin clean off afterward. I grinned, bore it, and continued to make it seem like I was into it, but I hated myself for it.

I honestly felt like sex was for boys and men. It appeared that it was solely for their enjoyment. I got absolutely nothing out of it, no matter how I made it seem to my friends. I know some girls who were doing it too, but I'm telling you, we all sounded like we were doing it out of obligation. It felt like the norm. We were living, breathing, walking, masturbation objects for boys because they had no interest in pleasing us. They just wanted to get something out of it...but at least they gave us attention though. Attention as a teenager was extremely important. I'm rolling my eyes as I type this.

It wasn't until I was in college that I started to realize that waiiiiittt a minute. I'm supposed to enjoy this, too! I had to be about 20. That's when I became much more selective. I still didn't make the wisest choices, but again, I was way more selective than when I was in high school.

So, not only was my perception of sex distorted, but I was just not comfortable in my skin. Because of how empty I felt before, I was very unsure about how I measured up. Then, I kept dealing with guys who would cheat on me or who were just bad for me all around. Because of where I was in life, that's what I kept attracting. One of my most serious relationships involved me being cheated on multiple times. I told one of my good friends that that whole situation really messed me up.

As a result, I have a daily struggle when it comes to men. No lie. Yesterday, I woke up confident and excited about love, thinking that one day, I would meet the man of my dreams. I even wrote a piece about a month ago talking about manifesting the love you want. I was starting to do that almost everyday. But today. Today started off a little different. I woke up thinking that I absolutely cannot deal with men. They are distractions and liabilities. They don't add value to my life. Instead they play with my emotions and use me for their pleasure, just like when I was a teenager. I toggle back and forth with the idea of marriage and fidelity. As much as I want a man (somedays), I don't always feel protected by them. Therefore, I have a hard time giving my all to any man who seems to show an interest in me. Seriously. I ghost men. Sometimes, I don't ghost them completely. I'll just stop contacting them first, but if they text me, I'll respond. I just lose all intentions of it being anything more though.

I feel like if any man were to read this and get offended and say that I hate men, he has truly missed the point. Does it come across toxic? Absolutely. But that's why I prefer to be alone anyway in order to figure this thing out. I don't hate men. I love men so much. I'm just disappointed. I say, "Go disappoint the next girl, I'm busy" at least 3 times a week. I don't necessarily think it's sexual trauma that I'm dealing with, but there's something triggering about my feelings regarding what I've been through that truly keep me from being my best self when dating.

So, I decided to do something about these feelings. Besides writing and talking to my best friends as a form of therapy, I meditate and think about positive qualities that men have. And recently, I decided to wear waist beads primarily made of rose quartz. Well, one of them is like that. I wear six, and they are all different color patterns, but one of the most recent ones I got is the rose quartz one. Why rose quartz, you may ask. Well I read a post that listed some healing properties that are associated with rose quartz. They are as follows: "Attracts love of all kinds, Emits strong vibrations of unconditional love, Encourages emotional healing, Released negativity that blocks love, Helps you restore trust, Assists in moving on from heartbreaks and hardships, Clears toxic attachment, and Dissipates fear related to love." There were more, but these were the ones that I read and thought, "Yep. I need that in my life."

I believe that love is so pure and so beautiful. I'm adjusting my thought process about love. I believe in the fact that there are several kinds of love, and one does not outweigh the other in life. There is platonic love, the love you have for family, the love you have for humanity and community, and romantic love, to name a few. Besides that, for real, I'm not sure if I even fully understand love in its entirety. I do feel that it's supposed to be unconditional, but when people who are supposed to love you, hurt you, was it really even love in the first place? Or is it your own ego that can't see past the exaggerated idea of being hurt, and their actions were misinterpreted as something meant to betray you? I don't know. I don't know what I know anymore, to be honest.

All I can confidently say that I know is that the last thing I will allow to happen in my life is for someone to make me feel insecure and unworthy when I've worked this hard to build my confidence all by myself. All of this internal work was done on my own. My mistakes. My tears. My therapy. The embracing and ownership of my sex life, free from the judgment of others.

So, I wear rose quartz with the hope that I will be able to obtain all of which I've read that it can give me. I want to be whole.....I was about to say be whole again, but I never was. I'm learning though. I want to tap into my power, releasing all negative feelings related to love and sex, and just be so in tune with my body and with the love that I seek to give and receive. I owe it to myself to have an amazing, healthy, and fulfilled sex life, and so do you. I want to have more discussions with people who have experienced something similar. I want to talk to people who have overcome this, people who don't like what I wrote at all, people who just want to dive deeper into the subject, or even a sex therapist. No matter what anyone says, our emotions are connected to sex, and it's not a surface level conversation. It's so taboo, so it makes a lot of people uncomfortable. But, hey, if you're living your life for the comfort and approval of others, are you really even living?