Own Your Sex Life, Woman (Part 1)

You know what I find interesting? The fact that we promote an array of human rights and freedom to be ourselves, but sex still feels like a super taboo topic in 2020. Well, that may not be the case in some social circles, but as far as I can remember, when it comes to people in my surroundings, the topic of sex ruffles feathers, causes grown people to blush, and exposes a plethora of misinformation.

There's this age old construct about virginity and purity. For years and years in history, women were viewed almost as property. In older societies, not including Western society, marriage wasn't and still isnt even about love. Young women and girls are offered up as dowry in order to sustain the wealth and power of two families. In some cultures, men are even allowed to have more than one wife, engaging in whatever he finds to be pleasurable. No, it's not always about sex, but let's face it. As often as many men enjoy the thought of sex, I could safely assume that they enjoy being able to engage in it as frequently as they want.

This brings me to think about real world parental ideas and strategies. You often find that men pray to the high heavens that their wives, girlfriends, or whomever they have children with, give birth to sons. I witnessed a man that I once held at a high intellectual regard congratulate a man on having a son by saying, "The good guys get sons." Pissed me off. It seems as though men look forward to talking to their sons about sex. They are excited about the idea of their sons losing their virginities. They want them to explore what they like and don't like by having sex with multiple (girls). A lot of times their toxic masculinity won't allow them to accept that their sons might want to sleep with somebody else's son, but multiple girls? Yea, like that's safe.

Now DAUGHTERS on the other hand. Ha. Daughters a lot of times are viewed as punishments. A man must have done something bad to the universe to end up with daughters, they say. How is that supposed to make women feel? We're viewed this way and then objectified to try to satisfy the insatiable appetite of a sex-crazed male. We as daughters are taught to remain pure for our husbands. If we have sex before we're married, especially if we are young, we are damaged goods. We've been tainted. But whose son is staying pure for us?

You all should know me by now. I'm not afraid of being transparent about my own life. I try to identify with everything I write about because somebody out there has a similar story as mine and just wishes that someone understood their pain. I had to deal with my own pain ON MY OWN. I lost my virginity when I was rather young. I talked about this a bit in my story, "Rose Quartz", but if you didn't read it, I'll revisit for you.

Didn't go as planned. I was actually threatened that if I didn't do it, he was going to tell my parents on me and say I did. At my 30 something year old age, I recognize how psychopathic that was, and all I had to say was, "Well tell then. I'll tell them what really happened, and we'll see who they'll believe." But nooooo. I was terrified. As a matter of fact, this happened to me with my very next sexual partner, too! Both guys were older than I. I didn't want them to think of me as a lame and more than anything, I did not want to get in trouble. I pretended to enjoy it. I even bragged to my friends about it, knowing I didn't feel that way inside. I was disgusted and unhappy because I thought sex was supposed to be different. I thought I was supposed to feel loved and protected or something. The irony. When my parents found out, I tried to explain to them that I didn't want to do it, but to them, I was falsely accusing the boys of rape. During that time, people were so ignorant to rape culture. To them, rape meant physically forcing yourself onto someone. They never considered verbal manipulation or intimidation. Furthermore, my business was spread like wildfire. Nobody made the boys feel like trash for what they did. Yet, I was a tramp. A hoe. Every name you could think of. I resented myself for years for that, and it wasn't fully my fault. But because I was no longer a pure young lady, I wasn't considered worthy. Do you know what this thought does to a teenage girl? I hated myself so much.

Fast forward to several of my other encounters with dumb, dusty boys. I felt like I was equally dumb and dusty because someway, somehow, I formed the thought that sex was about pleasing a boy. They choose you, they make you think you're the prettiest girl in the world, and it becomes like an honor for you to have sex with them. The whole concept is ridiculous, right? Ultimately, you just want to be accepted and liked back. However, it comes back to bite you in the butt because as you dive into the dating world, boys gather the audacity from somewhere to ask you your body count, and if the number is not to their liking, you're a hoe and you deserve to be shamed.

I remember being livid while watching episode 1 of Euphoria on HBO. I couldn't watch another episode because it made me so angry seeing how they treated one of the characters because of her sexual past. Her boyfriend was teased for dating her. His peers convinced him that she liked it rough and deserve to be treated like a dirty little girl because she wasn't a virgin. He choked her without asking her permission. Another girl was manipulated into losing her virginity in front of an audience. She was dared and teased for being a little heavier, so she felt compelled to rise to the occasion in order to fit in.

These are some examples of real life scenarios that some girls have been subjected to. You can think whatever you want about what we should have done or what we should have been thinking, but to be in that situation is just different. And I mean, have you even looked at the ages of consent for each state? I know I was under the age of consent. Mentally, I didn't have much of an idea of what I was doing, but I was told that I "knew better". Laughable.

I know that some women cannot relate. They were brought up in familial situations that nurtured them to have what some may consider a healthier mindset. They maintained their "purity". They made their moms and dads proud. That's beautiful, and I mean it. Some of us were either not informed or misinformed and led astray. I could dive so much deeper into religious culture and how that shaped some of our lives, but I don't want the focus to be on that at all this time. It's a debate that can be held at any other time if you feel the desire to engage me in it.

Now that it has clicked for me, let me tell you. I am all about obtaining my own strength in this. I will throw it to whomever I please, if the feeling is mutual of course, because I can. If I get married, that narrative will change, obviously. Does that mean that I will just be out here racking my numbers up? No, but if I did, that's my business. My point is, I will not allow anyone to make me feel like less than a queen or goddess just because I've taken control of my sex life and actually enjoy it.

Body counts are stupid. If a man were to ask me mine, I'd cut him off immediately. I know a lot of people won't agree, but that's not my business either. I don't go around asking men how many people they've slept with. I don't care. Like how dare you ask me about high school or college as if that wasn't over 10 years ago? Give me a break. As far as I'm concerned, especially in our youth and early twenties, we all were practicing. I know what I like and don't like. Any man who is repulsed by that notion AIN'T my man. Simple.

A man once told me that after about seven years, those bodies don't even count anymore. I thought that was hilarious. He said it was like collections on your credit report. They don't stick forever. Based on his logic, most of my numbers are wiped out anyway, so they didn't happen. But I got that from a man, y'all. Surprisingly. Even though I never needed validation, it confirmed my confidence in who I have grown to be.

I encourage women (who can and are willing) to embrace their sexuality. Figure out what you like and don't like. Whatever you do, do it for yourself. Don't let anyone feel like they've finessed you into a situation in which you didn't necessarily want to be or you're confused about. Furthermore, it would be cool to even seek counseling of some sort if you're anything like me and trying to overcome suffering at the hands of some traumatic experiences. Trauma can impact marriages and relationships and it just helps to heal for yourself.

Trust me, I'll be singing the same tune to my daughter. I can't control her, but I can instill in her the power to take control of her own body because both boys AND girls can try to manipulate you to do things. I want her to be of sound mind and body. I consider this when thinking of my role as a sister, too. All of my sisters are grown, but I hope that we'll develop a strong enough bond to discuss these things as embark on our dating journeys.

And I know, I know, there are exceptions to everything. There are some boys who are faced with pressures from which they would rather run away. I truly empathize. I just know how it feels to be dragged as a girl for engaging in something natural. All the rules and regulations on our bodies, man. We are told how to feel and what to do in order to be considered wife material and that's just not fair. Wife material is whatever it is that your husband considers it to be IF you even want to be a wife! If your sex life doesn't fall under the constructs of marriage, that's also your business. It goes against everything I was taught growing up, but what was I really even taught in the first place? Pretty much that there's only one way that's the right way, and I just don't agree with that anymore.

Furthermore, one of the best things that I can do is try to ensure that my son is not dumb and dusty either when he grows up. And I do mean actively try. I want to be as transparent with him and my daughter as I am with you all right now. He will need to understand that he can be honest, not try to finesse a girl out of her clothes, and still be able to have a healthy sex life. I want him to understand and develop a purpose for his encounters with women in general. I don't want him to only consider the fact that he has a mom, sister, and aunts to prompt him to respect women. The respect needs to be embedded within him.

Again, you may not agree. That's fine. I just feel like if we were able to talk more openly and freely about our feelings about sex, we wouldn't be so susceptible to avoidable consequences, that's all. I struggle with my own ideologies sometimes, especially when it pertains to myself and what I believe and want to practice, but like I said, talking openly and freely is a step in the right direction.