Playing Consent Roulette — Exhibitionism and Voyeurism

(All the following pictures in this post are shared with the permission of those in the photo. They are risque. You have been warned.)

My wife and I met in college, and things happened pretty fast. We had explosive chemistry from the start. But what we also had were class schedules that didn’t line up and roommates that wouldn’t leave. Finding time to be alone together was challenging. We needed to find creative solutions if we wanted to do anything more intimate than a good cuddle. We started having sex in the other buildings on campus.

Most weren’t locked up to allow students to continue working on things at all hours. We were horny. It just made sense to find quiet corners to get it on in. What started as a solution for an inconvenient problem morphed into an adventure as we tried to have sex in every building on campus. By the end of our sophomore year, we completed the list as far as we could. (Things like the maintenance building were locked.)

Our most daring adventure was when we had sex in the student center, on the pool table, in front of large picture windows. It was at night, but there was still enough light in the building that anyone walking by could have seen us. The risk of getting caught led to scorching sex even though a pool table is not the most comfortable surface to fuck on.

Junior year, we were able to secure housing that allowed us to share a bed. And while we got plenty of use out of that bed, we’d still engage in sex in public places for a while, even after college.

But as fun as it was, we shouldn’t have done it, even in the beginning when it was our only way to be able to have sex consistently. Being young and horny didn’t give us a pass. If someone did walk in on us, we’d be thrusting our sex life upon them.

While we never got caught (as far as we know), it’s entirely possible someone did see us. It could have been someone who didn’t want to see and just walked away thinking we were assholes for showing them our assholes. But if they reported us, we could have faced everything from stern words with the dean of students to expulsion and possible legal action.

In the United States, indecent exposure laws and penalties vary from state to state — with Vermont having the most liberal but also most confusing laws regarding public nudity. (Your mileage may vary outside of the United States.) But there doesn’t exist a state in which getting caught fucking doesn’t have the potential to land you on the sexual offender registry.

It’s also possible we were seen by someone who liked it. Someone who may have touched themselves while surreptitiously watching us fuck.

Even if there was a chance that we’d be seen by someone who was into it, a voyeur, it didn’t give us the right to play consent roulette.

What Do Exhibitionism and Voyeurism Mean?

Consent is a major issue when it comes to exhibitionism and voyeurism. Technically exhibitionism is the arousal from exposing yourself to the unsuspecting, and voyeurism is arousal from observing the unexpecting. Both of the strict definitions are playing the same consent roulette game.

Maybe the exhibitionist is seen by someone who enjoys it. Maybe the voyeur spies upon someone who would find the idea titillating if they knew they were being watched. But that’s not a chance you should take. Consent should be informed and freely given. That’s impossible with the spontaneous flashers and peeping toms. Without that consent, you are very likely bringing unwilling participants into your sex life.

But some people engage in forms of exhibitionism and voyeurism that don’t adhere to the strict technical definitions. I’m not a linguistic purist. I don’t believe language is unmoving. Many people who would define themselves as exhibitionists don’t feel compelled to find unsuspecting people to watch them. They derive pleasure from the act of being watched even, or especially by, people who know exactly what they are getting. The same goes for voyeurism. While they may still want to hide in a closet while watching a couple have sex, they do it with all parties informed and consenting.

While I get much more satisfaction from consensually showing off my wife, a kink known as candaulism, I’m still an exhibitionist. The difference is now, I’ve learned that my previous exercises were cringe-worthy at best. I practice my kink understanding the issues I didn’t when I was younger and only show off to those who permit me.

(Since I’m assuming everyone has continued this far has consented to see risque images, here’s my hot wife. But not my hotwife.)

Slinging Sausage

As part of an exercise in the exhibitionist kink with consent, I conducted an experiment on Twitter where I said that for 24 hours, I would send a dick pic to anyone who asked, no questions ask, no request for a returned favor, no change in future interactions with me. I received eleven responses from a variety of genders asking me to send them at least one picture. And while I said no questions asked, I did end up having some interesting conversations.

Maisie didn’t request a dick pic, but she did say:

I’ve never received an unsolicited dick pic. I’m not complaining, but I do feel a bit left out. I think if it did happen, I’d be a bit excited, like, “I’m finally part of the gang!” I wouldn’t openly admit my thoughts on this because I feel like women are supposed to hate receiving dick pics.

Though she did admit that she wouldn’t want a flood of dick pics. She’d more be looking for, “a Cadbury selection box of dicks. Not the entire pick n mix.”

Some people have sent out the call. AD has several retweets of pictures saying he gives consent to get dick pics in his DMs without anyone having to ask first, “but I have yet to actually receive anything.”

This makes me wonder how many men fall into the strict definition of exhibitionism and derive sexual pleasure from the digital version of flashing people on the street.

Rose, who runs the On Her Back blog, took me up on the offer and said, “I’m actually a lesbian, but I couldn’t pass up a consensual dick pic.” She talked about a friend who is into chastity who sends her pictures as well and:

Although I’m not into men, I still love it because he asks. Yeah, it’s odd that I like dick pics. My wife has a dick, so I’ve gotten used to seeing them. I just really appreciate people with dicks asking first.

And while she hadn’t classified herself as voyeur before, she came down as a definite maybe when I asked. She loves watching her wife get off and will masturbate along with her. But she still enjoys watching others have sex and masturbating, even though she doesn’t masturbate along with them.

As with Rose — who also had an OnlyFans for a while because she liked to be seen — these exhibitionistic and voyeuristic desires are not always so easily defined.

Watch Me

Exhibitionism, or exhibitionistic acts, appeal to different people for different reasons. For Illorin, “It feels just dirty enough to be exciting but just normal enough to be comfortable. I especially love being nude outdoors. I feel very connected to the world and at peace.” He enjoys the freedom and has spent time at lifestyle clubs and resorts. “Being able to hold a long conversation with strangers while all of us are completely naked is a fun experience!”

But he keeps that to places where he’s not expecting to be seen by anyone who isn’t signing on to seeing naked people. Even though he enjoys the fantasy of being caught, “I would never force my nudity on anyone. I have no desire to be a flasher or trick people. I try very hard not to have my body on display to people who have not consented to see it.”

When she and her boyfriend have been apart, Scarlet Winters has swapped pictures. “The pictures are often additional fuel, personal porn. Since this was often a mutual masturbation situation.”

Angel explained it as, “There’s something fantastic about the attention of being looked at and lusted over. Then there’s the thrill of not knowing whether someone is going to see you or not.” When she was younger, she said:

I masturbated naked in front of an open window at night before with the lights on. And I had an encounter in high school where, on a long car trip, my boyfriend fingered me, and I gave him a hand job while his friend was watching us (no clothes came off for that, but my breasts were exposed).

And while she “got a little more risqué the last few weeks of fleets and has shared some photos privately with a handful of people,” she has held back more recently “because I have some body image issues as I have gotten older.”

Some people use exhibitionist acts as a way to overcome body image issues. Even though she had an OnlyFans, Fansly, and PocketStars for a while, my wife doesn’t define herself as an exhibitionist. She enjoyed posting, but it’s more personal for her. It was about body acceptance. Others seeing and complimenting her were side benefits.

And she’s not alone in that. For Savannah, it’s become part of her middle-aged transition. “Once I recognized myself as a woman and started down the road of finally correcting my body, my inner beauty shone through.” At first, it was hard for her to believe it when people said she was beautiful, but:

As the past few years have progressed and my body is reaching its final form, I could see its beauty and wanted to share. Getting reinforcement of the idea that I am attractive feeds a sense of gender euphoria that feels indescribably good.

Winter says for her, “It feels so good to have the praise. I think it’s rooted in my submissive feelings. I want others to want my body and want to use my body.” For safety reasons, she keeps her exhibitionism in online spaces. And while she currently has a Patreon where most of her photos and videos are, “I’m trying to move my business to a more personalized experience for my clients. Allowing them to pay for personalized content as they want it, and hosting it myself.”

For some people, the money is the only motivation. While Jezebellydancer says she’s always been a “show-off” and likes being the center of attention, she’s never thought of herself as a sexual exhibitionist. She learned belly dancing after college and got a rush from feeding off an active audience.

But she didn’t feel that working as an exotic dancer while she was in college.

I knew how to do club dancing. I could go topless if I wanted. Or wear a bikini. No contact with the customers. I did not get the rush from dancing there that I did from belly dancing on stage. The energy from the audience was depressing. The new recruits from the local army base seemed homesick. The businessmen — I’m not sure why they were even there. Lonely unhappily married men? Maybe. So not a turn-on for me. I just didn’t mind dancing topless.

Caught in the Act

There is a certain thrill in the possibility of getting caught. Though enjoying that thrill doesn’t always translate into a desire to be seen.

Allison Ripley recounted an incident where she and her husband caught a couple in the act.

While camping on the beach, I caught someone giving head in the parking lot. They were so embarrassed they drove away and attempted to come back later. They didn’t expect that we’d still be there overnight. We raised a glass and saw their red faces as they drove off again.

Maybe the car head couple were stuck in a “not a lot of options” situation, but I’d put my money on them looking for the danger of getting caught, but not the consequences. And while Ripley and her husband were amused by it, this could have ended poorly for all parties involved.

Again, the game of consent roulette is a dangerous one. And the more you risk, the more likely you are to end up pushing your sex life onto other people. However, some people launch themselves past the point of the gamble and will undoubtedly piss people off.

David’s experience with voyeurism is mixed. While he has enjoyed watching a few times under certain circumstances, that hasn’t always been the case. Mid-pandemic, his neighbors across the street decided to have a loud, windows and drapes open, orgy. “Neighbours were yelling for them to close their drapes. The orgy goers ignored them and seemed to dial things up.” He didn’t realize what was going on “until my five-year-old asked if there was a woman in trouble with all the screaming. I had to shut the drapes and window that night. Even then, we could still hear things going on.”

It would be hard to believe that the orgy organizers gave any care about if anyone else wanted to see or hear what they were doing. Though not every example of exhibitionism is quite so ostentatious and possibly mentally scarring.

Kaya Sparks said while she was in college, she caught a guy giving another man a blow job in a car behind an all girl’s dorm. “I thought it was funny and felt bad for them that they felt they would have more privacy there than in one of their rooms. I also recall feeling bad for the guy giving, as it was a stick shift, so he had to watch out for the stick.” And since Sparks moved on, leaving them uninterrupted, there’s no way to know if they would have liked being seen.

Sometimes those getting caught do like it. Clarissa recalls an incident when she realized someone was watching her masturbate.

While it hadn’t been her intent for someone to watch, she did a few things that might have been considered an invitation. It was a hot night, and she wanted to sleep with the window open but also lived on the ground floor.

Although I usually never do it since my apartment and room were ground floor, and I was afraid something like this would happen, I decided to do it anyway. It was late. I wanted to go to bed but was also in the mood to masturbate, so I decided to do that instead, with an open window. And, yes, I know how this sounds. Anyways, I was getting into the mood and having fun when I suddenly realized someone was watching me from my window.

Finding someone watching was a turn-on. Clarissa had previously asked boyfriends to watch her, and they refused. She took the chance to put on a show. “If both exes had said they would have liked to watch, I probably wouldn’t have done it. I was curious, had the chance, and took it. And to be completely honest here, I don’t regret it at all.” She did add, “I learned my lesson, and if I would meet a guy now, the first thing I’ll ask is ‘Do you let me masturbate in front of you?’ If he says yes, it’s a no-brainer. If it’s a no, I’m leaving.”

As for her voyeur, as soon as he realized she knew he was there, he fled.

Passive Observers

RJ considers himself a voyeur. “I like the idea of watching, obviously consensual, but with the impression that it isn’t.” He describes his ultimate voyeuristic fantasy as being able to watch a woman masturbate or a couple making love and, “they would suspect I’m there and put on a show, but don’t know for sure.”

When it comes to his voyeurism and consent, he says,

I believe if someone has a window open and is easily seen, then they have no issue with being seen, but if they are actively trying to cover themselves or hide, then they don’t want to be seen, and that is crossing the line.

At best, we can hope that Clarissa’s peeping tom was operating under the same logic. However, not everyone has absolved themselves with that line of thinking.

Jay describes himself as a sexually timid person, “So for me, the appeal of voyeurism is that it is a passive sexual act. I don’t need to do anything other than watch and enjoy the actions of the other person, so the act is a form of sexual safe space for me.”

But he has conflicting feelings about his experiences with voyeurism. While attending college in a large urban university:

It didn’t take long to discover that now and then, other students in adjacent dormitories were changing or engaging in more intimate acts with the lights on and the curtains ajar. I remember the first few times I caught a glimpse of something risqué through a nearby window, I was so excited my heart was racing, and my hands were shaking with the excitement of it.

He’s lived in cities and has had similar experiences where neighbors “were careless with curtains or lights when changing or having sex.” He’d also get a thrill from neighbors having loud sex. But he understands the consent issues there. And while he has never taken active steps to spy on someone:

like planting a camera, or drilling a hole through a wall, or the ol’ Body Double act of peering in with a telescope or binoculars on someone far away, I do cringe at the idea that my first thrills with voyeurism were peeking at my fellow students across the distance between dormitories.

Though he admits if he were “folding laundry and looking out the window to see a neighbor toweling off after a shower and getting dressed, I admit I wouldn’t look away or leave the room. I’m not proud about it, but there it is.”

But he recently found a partner who is “interested in the exhibitionist/voyeur dynamic, and we have explored it through a number of options, from cam voyeurism to remote toy play, and as time goes on, we hope to delve deeper into those areas.”

Expectations and Consent

Being part of NSFW Twitter, there is a certain expectation you will see adult content, which is why those on it label their accounts as 18+, NSFW, or Minors DNI (do not interact). The final days of Fleets were a wild time. But it was to be expected. Some people, like Angel, stepped out of their comfort zone during that time. Others regularly post full-frontal uncensored images of themselves on the timeline.

I remain suspicious of accounts that post a bunch of unattributed content. Just because you pulled it up on a Google image search or found it on Pinterest doesn’t mean that it wasn’t stolen by someone else. To curate, post, and consume that material is another spin of the roulette wheel.

But does being on a platform like Twitter and specifically following people posting adult content count as blanket consent to see and be seen on the timeline?

DMs are different, more personal, like someone’s home. If you’re on the timeline, your picture can be easily ignored, but once you’ve burst into someone’s DMs, you are making a conscious effort to make it more difficult to ignore.

And while there are those who publicly or secretly want unsolicited dick pics, carpet bombing the internet with your junk in the hopes that you find them is gross, unethical, and no better than someone who flashes people offline.

Still, there is at least some expectation that NSFW will be rife with exhibitionism and voyeurism.

Lucy Lewis had recent issues with Spaces that led to a bit of accidental exhibitionism and self-discovery.

Lewis had sent out invites to the originally planned talk about sex labeled “Husband and I are horny.” When not many people showed up, they ended it. Or so they thought. Since then, Lewis has downloaded the audio and listened to everything that was broadcast.

We had said goodbye, and I thought I’d ended it because there was a desperately sad chit-chat about me thinking everyone hated me (a common secret assumption of mine), but I would never share those paranoid moments.

Her husband knew that one of the ways to center her and boost her confidence was sex.

I received an invite to join the initial conversation while at a family function, but when it ended, I hopped on looking for something spicy. Had I been there earlier, I might have heard them signing off and understood it wasn’t her intent to broadcast them having sex. But since I missed that, I thought it was hot and that Lewis and her husband decided to christen Spaces in true NSFW fashion. I had to log off to attend to other matters, so I didn’t hear the conclusion.

Once Lewis found out what happened,

At first, I was absolutely mortified, desperate to know what people had heard, causing a lot of anxiety. However, the next morning I found it a massive turn-on to think people had heard us. I’ve thought about it ever since, don’t get me wrong, I still find it anxiety-inducing but also exhilarating.

As for those few who listened, including myself, Lewis said:

It was very reasonable for people to have assumed it was meant to be aired had they missed where we had said goodbye to the only attendee at the time and the very short chit-chat before we started.

She wouldn’t have done it intentionally. She felt that if she had intended to do the digital version of sex in front of a large window, it would be a morally poor choice.

I think she is too hard on herself. Most people on NSFW Twitter understand that while every post, image, and audio might not be their thing, they are signing on to read, see, and hear NSFW content. When I joined a Space entitled “Husband and I are horny,” I got exactly what I had been expecting. It may have been sex in front of a large window, but it was a large window in the red light district.

Ethical Exhibitionism and Voyeurism

There is plenty of exhilaration to be found in watching and being watched, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of consent. Strictly defined exhibitionism and voyeurism have built-in consent issues. The broader definition allows you to set up scenes by discussing them beforehand. There are plenty of kinks that can’t ethically be carried out in any way except role play.

We need to close the roulette wheel and stick to situations where people have consented, whether enthusiastically or by entering online and offline spaces where there’s an expectation of nudity and adult content. Do I expect the dick pic carpet bombers to stop? While I’d love to see it happen, I don’t see an end any time soon. But for those of us who like to see and be seen doing dirty, naughty things, there are ethical options.

While I still get turned on by the memories of having sex on a pool table, and I may even write those down for others to read, like Jay, I do cringe at the idea that my first experiences came at the expense of my fellow college students.

As hot as it was at the time, I wouldn’t do it again if given the chance. I think that consent is too important to play games with in that way. There are many ways to explore these kinks that don’t require forcing your sex lives on other people. The idea of a chance encounter that turns into something hot should remain in the realm of roleplay, fantasy, and erotica.