Daddy or Dick?

Chances are, if you are reading along, you are curious or just beginning your journey into BDSM and the kinky lifestyle. Even better chance if you are reading, is that you have strongly identified with either a submissive/bottom/switch play style and need to find a good top/Dom/daddy/mommy. Where do you even start?? More experienced players can tell you, the scene is littered in human garbage, claiming to be tops while preying on unsuspecting bottoms without the experience needed to tell them to fuck off. In an attempt to spare you abuse, heartache, and a lot of dangerous scenarios, I have constructed a general guide to dominant choosing, to better equip my precious baby bottoms with the tools needed to have fulfilling BDSM experiences.

What is a Dom?

Your Dom (or top, daddy, mommy, etc.) is the player in a scene that will assert their dominance over the submissive (you). Some dominants choose to maintain constant contact or relationships with their submissive(s), some choose to operate in other methods, such as sex work, dungeon play, or non-committal basis. Each group holds wonderful tops, and each group holds abusive people claiming to be tops.

What should I look for?

Choosing a dominant, or dominants to play with takes time, observation, and a little homework. Good tops have no issue providing references, back stories on how they entered the scene, their goals for themselves and their subs, and whatever else you need to ask to put your mind at ease. One of the best tips I can offer is, check the references. As a baby bottom, you should gravitate towards more seasoned players that can show you the ropes safely and acclimate you to the positive kink experience. Good dominants will answer questions, will ask you your boundaries, your desires, your body cues, your motivation, etc. Think of your initial interaction as an interview. There is some probing and some toying, but the ultimate motive is to see if the partnering is a good match for both you and the top. Good doms have no problem and won’t take it personal if you don’t feel it’s a good match, or if you aren’t confident you’ll find what you are looking for in the play experience with them.

Another wonderful trait an upright dominant will exude is your CHOICE in the partnering and scene. There is nothing more attractive than a top letting you know upfront that your boundaries will be upheld, renegotiated if and when it is needed (even in scene if necessary), and your cues will be followed. True doms understand that the submissive has the final say, always. True doms also are aware that trust is not an immediate gift, it is a gift given over time. Patience is a needed trait in a top, and experienced, vetted doms have these qualities. Aftercare is another staple found in good S/M (sadist/masochist) partnerships, and the dominant will make sure your emotional and physical recovery needs are met after a scene.

What should I avoid?

Any poser that has anger issues can mimic dominant traits. However, there are clear giveaways that can help you figure out who isn’t what they seem. Poser tops will rush into interactions, demanding complete subordination within a short amount of time. They may require you to call them a title they haven’t earned yet, such as daddy or sir. Many abusers will jump to degradation and verbal abuse without your consent (degradation is absolutely okay if discussed and approved), they will pressure you into consent that you may not be comfortable giving as well. In physical play, poser doms will not uphold your boundaries, they will more than likely not check in, and if they do, they will try and guilt you into consenting to their abuse. Posers will be easily offended by your line of questioning and interviewing and may even go as far as telling you it is disrespect. A tell tale sign you have an abusive Dom in your midst is when you do not feel safe to express your likes and dislikes of a scene or relationship. If you are already within an abusive Dom/sub scenario, try to stop the scene (if active), and gather support to end ties immediately. If you are in an area with a big community, spread the word about this person as well.

Where should I look?

In my area, the community is fairly hidden and small in size. Access to dungeons and other safe spaces is sparse. However, if you are in a metro area, there is more than likely a local dungeon, S/M safety/information course, or other meet and greets that can help you get started. If you are in an area like me, the web is one of your best friends. I have personally used both (FET) an app, and FET Life, which is an app for some users, a website for others. Not only can you find friends, doms, tops, bottoms, and explore, it is a great place to find smaller meetups that are not as amply broadcasted. Also, if you use social media platforms, try following kink and sex workers, they shed a ton of light on safety, positive and negative interactions, and more! Some of my favorites are daemonumx, dangerbun_, phatttb0i and her wife molly__ace.

Enjoying exploration into kink? Small and simple tips are greatly appreciated and keep me writing!