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5 Things Kink Has Taught Me

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By Anna McGheePublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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There has always been more to kink than meets the eye. From the outside looking in, dog collars and latex coupled with a good old-fashioned beating might not be enticing to the average individual, but to others it is a way of life. Embracing a kinky lifestyle for these individuals hosts more than the baseline sexual fulfillment. I myself have found that much more is impressed upon you than bruises once submerged. If you find yourself enthralled, curious, and a little tentative, you’re in the right place, read on.

My dominant ruled with little mercy. He was calculating and demanded perfection. Olive skinned and smartly dressed, large hands and a deep, commanding voice factored heavily into my initial devotion to him. I completed tasks, longing for the “good girl” that came gift wrapped behind my efforts. I woke to please him, I rested at his command. My life was his, and only his, for several beautiful months. Behind the sexual attraction, masked in the pain and punishment, cloaked in the rewards and tokens, I found more concrete and functional gems that I can apply to life, even today. Kink is perhaps one of the best teachers I have known and continue to study under. What can kink possibly teach us? I am glad you asked.

1. Consent is the most important aspect of ANY sexual act, EVER.

A beautiful and necessary aspect of kink has emphasized the importance of consent. Vanilla encounters in my experience have never offered black and white guidelines that EVERY kink encounter has. Enriching my experiences with the foundation of consent has offered a woman that has been sexually assaulted the space to feel safe and in control. This applies to the outer world as well. Through my submissive role, I have found a wonderful new plethora of phrases, including “no” and “I am uncomfortable”. This lifestyle promotes communication, safety, and autonomy. Individuals like myself can gain a ton from these practices.

2. We are not in control and in total control, and each is perfectly OK.

There are many sub groupings within the kink community. I am focusing this list more around the D/S (dominant and submissive) relationship often found between individuals engaging in play. In either position, there is a level of uncertainty and lack of control. Take the submissive first. They are literally at the dominant’s service. If the dominant wants to tie you up and flog you until you cry, that is the ride for which you signed up. On the other hand, the dominant is confined to the will and boundaries of the submissive. Within these boundaries, the submissive holds the power to alter and/or end the scene entirely. The real gem here is found in the power you hold, and the power you do not. Applying this lesson to life has a tremendous benefit. Both submissive and dominant gain confidence in the shared distribution of power, more specifically, the give and the take.

3. Self Confidence and Body Image issues have a home in Kink.

Before entering kink, I had terrible body image issues. Nothing was good, I hid under sleeves and long shirts and baggy pants. You learn very quickly that you cannot hide when you’re commanded to stand spread apart, with nothing but chains and leather straps around you. Is it scary? ABSOLUTELY. Is it necessary? You bet! Your dominant believes you’re a work of art. That includes your lumps and bumps and scars and marks. I mean, you can’t be too self-critical when you’re tied and suspended. Everyone looks like a bound turkey at that point. Kink is a community of a wide-ranging type. Short, tall, fat, skinny, all genders, all sexualities. There is absolutely no cookie cutting in kink. You will be amazed at how much more confident you'll begin to be towards your self-image, and towards others. You can be exactly who you are and LOVE it.

4. You learn to build trust.

In the past, trust was not something I offered to people, or lovers for that matter. In kink, trust is vital to your enjoyment. One token my dominant left with me is this: “you will learn to trust.” When you fully trust and can identify who you should and should not trust, you have gained a lot in life. I am able to identify and trust in the right people, ask exactly what I want, and hold firm to my boundaries. Kink taught me to open, and kink taught me how to believe in myself fully.

5. You will learn acceptance.

Self-acceptance is something I struggled with before kink. Not anymore. Accepting people that are different and quirky is something the lifestyle supplies as well. The community is a thriving hive of tolerance that can be very sparse in vanilla land. I found a sense of family I was not able to cultivate in the open, I learned the value of love and acquiescence, I found the value I had been searching for within myself and within other wonderful, kinky souls too.

This is the little taste of kink I wish to impart. While the whips and the chains are beautiful and marvelous, they are simply a fraction of what the kink lifestyle can offer. I encourage all that are curious to jump in headfirst, there are marvelous treasures waiting in the dark.

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About the Creator

Anna McGhee

All things outrageous. Alternative. Progressive. Taking no shit, but taking plenty of names. Here to make you uncomfortable.

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