Drowsy again. It seemed like I was constantly sleepy anymore. Groggily I wiped my eyes to peer into the window, a magical eight ball of my childhood, the clear blue easy of teenage angst. Nothing was normal in my 17-year-old life. My parents were still at each other’s throats, hashing out a nasty divorce, my stepdad was being taken by cancer, and my boyfriend was soon to head off to the Army, leaving me to fend for myself. That one aspect did seem constant, I had become familiar with handling difficulty without much intervention. This test had no lines, it had words. Maybe that’s how I knew it was real. There was no room for interpretation, negotiation… nothing. “Pregnant”.
Chances are, if you are reading along, you are curious or just beginning your journey into BDSM and the kinky lifestyle. Even better chance if you are reading, is that you have strongly identified with either a submissive/bottom/switch play style and need to find a good top/Dom/daddy/mommy. Where do you even start?? More experienced players can tell you, the scene is littered in human garbage, claiming to be tops while preying on unsuspecting bottoms without the experience needed to tell them to fuck off. In an attempt to spare you abuse, heartache, and a lot of dangerous scenarios, I have constructed a general guide to dominant choosing, to better equip my precious baby bottoms with the tools needed to have fulfilling BDSM experiences.
While unfortunate, the statistics around sexual harassment, rape, and sexual assault are staggering. More often than not, the people you come in contact with have suffered some form of sexual trauma. The list goes on with ways to reduce and improve these statistics, and it can certainly be argued that sexual violence survivor rights have a LONG way to go before anything gets much better, but what can we offer ourselves as sexual trauma survivors now? In my time of healing, and sharing experiences with other survivors I have found that sex after trauma can physically and mentally hurt, become a coping mechanism, become nonexistent or hyper-existent, and may or may not trigger the feelings and experiences of sexual violence. Many painful years have inched along, and I am finally ready to write my process on overcoming my sexual triggers. Everyone's experiences and pain is different, but I do hope that something within this article resonates and further aides you in your personal healing.
There has always been more to kink than meets the eye. From the outside looking in, dog collars and latex coupled with a good old-fashioned beating might not be enticing to the average individual, but to others it is a way of life. Embracing a kinky lifestyle for these individuals hosts more than the baseline sexual fulfillment. I myself have found that much more is impressed upon you than bruises once submerged. If you find yourself enthralled, curious, and a little tentative, you’re in the right place, read on.
Committing myself to a lover with Bipolar disorder, CPTSD, and a crippling, low self esteem was not an overnight decision. I took an extensive amount of time researching and plodding over the data, the case studies, the sheer amount of information. I knew in my heart, in the deepest wells of my capacity, that these were merely hurdles. The love I had and still have for this person, my person, would overcome any disease, or illness, or disorder, and, in that aspect I am right. Still, the evening of his attempted suicide has not disappeared from my recollection. We do not speak of that night. He has not read my disparaging journal entries, he has never been able to account for my despair, and understandably so. It must be incredibly hard to accept that your pain has bled into your lover, staining her. Writing this, I am in no way placing responsibility on him to acknowledge my grief. This grief is my own, and it has been wiped away without malice, but wiped away it has been. Maybe you are in a similar situation. Perhaps you are reading this, because you too, have trauma that is unfortunately an afterthought in the healing process. How do we navigate this? How do we hold such tragedy in our hearts without the support of our first line of defenses, our lover? I am taking your hand here. I want to write, no, I am called to write this, so you know this is not a confined trauma within you. I know your pain. I live with a pain similar to yours. While I am no expert, I would like to shed light on some of my struggles, and some of the beautifully sad advice I have learned and discovered along my way towards my personal recovery.