Why I Gave Up Veganism

I went into veganism with sadness. In 2010 I watched a documentary on factory farming called Food, Inc. and I started to cry. I watched how cows were abused physically, how they cried when their children were taken from them. The bacon cheeseburger that I ate for lunch turned my stomach. I remember having to run to a toilet to vomit because I became absolutely sick to my stomach. I vowed then and there to give up all animal products and embrace veganism.

It started out fine. I had so much zeal to do the right thing that I invited friends over and offered them my non-vegan food and leather goods. Whatever food and items weren’t taken I either donated to a food pantry or goodwill or I threw them in the trash. I went on the internet and found vegan recipes, I went to Whole Foods and bought lots of fruits, vegetables, grains, dried legumes, tofu and lots of vegan alternatives to dairy and meat. I was fully committed to the vegan lifestyle and was pleasantly surprised that my vegan diet cost less than my omnivorous one.

I cooked the recipes I found, I followed vegans on instagram and watched hours of youtube creators who were vegan. I did what I saw, I ate as they ate, I did as they did and I was happy with my choice. I shared my veganism with my family and friends. Many were supportive and happy for me. Some of them were concerned I'd become one of those militant vegans who works hard to convert everyone to become vegan. I promised them I wouldn't.

The problem started when I wanted to eat Korean food. My mother is Korean and I ate kimchi since before I could walk. Unfortunately, traditional Korean food is packed with seafood, meat or animal byproducts, all things I couldn't have in my vegan lifestyle. It broke my heart that I couldn't have seaweed soup on my birthday since it has seafood in it as is customary, I could no longer eat squid jerky dipped in gochujang (fermented chili paste)... I could still eat the gochujang so I became obsessed with dipping every vegetable I could find in the stuff... I even began dipping fruit in it which was a delicious happy accident. The only other traditional Korean foods I could eat were bap (rice), fermented soybean paste, and giim (dried seaweed). I didn't realize veganism would require me to give up most of the foods from my childhood. I went into whole foods and found a vegan Kimchi and I jumped up and down. I was so happy until I got home and tasted it. It wasn't the same, not nearly as good or as spicy as the homemade stuff mostly because it was made for an American palate.

I went home for a visit a few months later and I was invited into the home of one of my childhood Korean friends. Her mom made hundreds of different types of banchan for my visit and allowed me to sit near the head of the table, the place for an honored guest. I was very touched. As a woman and the youngest person in my family, this was a beautiful and thoughtful gift. My friend's mom not only gave up her place at the table but placed me as having more status than her own children, including her sons that were older than I was (in traditional Korean culture a woman is never given higher status than an older male unless she is in a position that gives her that status such as coming from a higher status family, having more education, or having a position of authority in an organization... I had none of these). The stoicism that is appropriate in traditional Korean culture did not allow me to fully express my gratitude. I looked over the food on the table in front of us and I knew I had to make a choice. I could gravely offend my host and her entire family by not eating the food she and her daughters lovingly and painstakingly prepared for me (not eating would signify that the food wasn't good enough for me and that I didn't like or trust them to want to share a meal with them) or I could hold tight to my veganism. Luckily, at a Korean table everyone waits for the oldest person to take their first bite before eating so I had a few moments to decide.

I decided to give up my veganism and I have never regretted it. The meal was incredible and delicious. I realized in that moment that veganism is a good thing in theory, however, in practical application it didn't work for me because it required me to give up too much of my culture. I know there are Koreans that eat vegan, I know that I could try to create recipes that were Korean inspired and vegan. To me, that is a sacrifice that is unacceptable for me to make because every Korean dish has a history. For instance, the 3000+ types of Kimchi are all tied to a province in Korea and which Kimchi your family makes gives an indication of where your clan originates from. For most of Korea's history, a majority of the population was subsistence farmers and meat was very expensive due in large part to Korea's very mountainous terrain which isn't the best terrain to produce a lot of meat. Dishes that have meat are dishes originally created for the royal and noble classes but are, even now, dishes that have a special honor (you can tell how much status you have in a group of Korean people by how close you are to dishes containing land meats). Even army-base stew, with its baked beans, spam, and instant ramen noodles tells the history of mass starvation after the Korean war and the gratefulness we have to American GI's who would share their rations with starving Koreans (this is why many Koreans still eat this on a regular basis with friends, as a way to remember, as a way to socially share our grief or han). To remove the meat and fish from Korean food is to trivialize and erase that history, a history that is a cherished part of me, something that I refuse to give up.