Food and therapy, because I care

I believe no one knows how much weight I lost in 2020. No one knows because I don’t know it myself as I don’t own a scale and last time I weighed myself I was 15 years old. However, I look at myself in the mirror and yeah, under my dark skin, I can see my ribs and my collarbones, all my jeans are now too large for my small legs and my breasts look a lot smaller. I’ve always had an athletic body and I never saw ribs so clearly and collarbones so sharply.

When I saw this strange sight, I remembered my aunty, who once told me that as a child she was so thin and skinny, due to extreme poverty and malnourishment, that when taking showers, the water used to create small lakes in her collarbones.

I obviously didn’t reach this level of thinness but I can hardly recognise my body and I’ll tell you why.

Food is my first love, the sight of a pizza, lasagne and Nigerian Jeloff rice makes my pupils dilated. The problem is cooking and preparing meals. I honestly hate it! Cutting onions makes me cry and waiting for the water to boil kills my appetite. I want to order Chinese food or chicken legs from the local food shop but I know I would have to pay for it, I would have to share it with my sisters and my dad would get angry at me for ordering food and not cooking.

The risk is just too high, worth it not worthy. My careless and unbothered side was slowly taking over and despite me being aware of the possible negative consequences, I didn’t feel like ‘wasting’ my time to find a solution.

Before Covid-19 came into our lives I wouldn’t worry about lunch as my Sixth form would provide meals. Dinner wasn’t an issue at all as my mum, before she got blocked in Italy because of Coronavirus, would take care of that and I was there as a helping hand.

In 2020 the task of preparing meals fell on my shoulders, an 18 years old who didn’t really feel like following YouTube cooking tutorials, I just failed and highly compromised my health.

Okay, I didn’t starve myself, I cooked couscous, pancakes, ramen and pasta during lockdown but most of the time, I would forget to eat meals, until it became a vicious circle.

I might be a nonconformist but I couldn’t see myself in the popular internet memes about people talking about how much weight they were gaining because of boredom and closed gyms. I was doing sports daily for fun and leisure and I was eating less, in an unhealthy way. The consequences weren’t invisible and I required professional health and a new life strategy.

The first step is to learn how to cook

Yes, when January the first arrived I opened YouTube and started writing down recipes on a google document. All the ingredients needed and each step to reach a tasty and delicious meal. I wrote a total of twenty four recipes, with the help of my younger sister, a few were already in my head while others were found on amazing YouTube channels.

Lasagne, meatballs, fried potatoes, bacon in a pan and different types of salads. Simple recipes only because it would be unrealistic for a novice chef like me to start cooking like Gordon Ramsey.

I’ve been having lunch and dinner daily for a week now and for me, a cup of tea in the morning, is enough. I wrote the recipes on a few post-its and I stuck them to a cork notice board, my older sister supported me through phone calls and text messages as she moved to another house.

The second step is to go to therapy

If you forget to eat your meals and have no desire to cook, I can guarantee you, your mental health is not that healthy. There are thousands of underlying issues that are affecting your appetite such as relationships, financial issues or powerlessness.

To become a better version of yourself you should 100% go to therapy. Note, I didn’t say you should consider it, I said it’s a must that you start seeing a professional.

I started online therapy by the end of December and trust me when I say having someone who listens to your problems and validates your feelings can definitely improve your 2021. If one month of therapy drastically changed my habits for the better, imagine going consistently for a whole year.

I have accepted my mistakes and I’m joyful to go into this new year knowing that I trust my decisions, my intuition and myself.

The third and final step is to end the ‘unbothered’ era

Can we all stop acting as we are careless and unbothered human beings? Hiding my true feelings and holding them in until I explode in a powerful rage isn’t the best thing I’ve done in 2020.

This is a definition of acting unbothered for the sake of not being seen as weak. I mean, I didn’t completely act like a robotic entity; I did try to talk about my feelings but I kind of chose the wrong people to vent to.

I definitely wouldn’t recommend trying to solve an impossible puzzle with the very person that hurt you. Just let them know what they did wrong and then walk away.

Now that I’m aware of what major issues were negatively affecting my life and I’ve identified which parts of my life I had to improve, I managed to start having a healthy and balanced diet.

Don’t forget to cut out people who constantly invalidate your emotions and act… you know the word… unbothered. Tell me what’s bothering you and if you are not bothered to tell me then I can’t be bothered either. In 2021 we are spending time with people whom we can converse with. Selecting your inner circle and taking care of your body and mind is an act of self love and a prime example of being ‘bothered’.