British Cuisine

“British food has a lot of depth and flavor that is often overlooked.”

— Jamie Oliver

Lol.

Ah, British cuisine. The butt of many jokes, the bane of many a traveler, and the source of endless misery. It’s time to set the record straight: British food is bad. As a self-proclaimed foodie who has spent years traveling the globe and indulging in all manner of culinary delights, I can confidently say that British food is, without a doubt, one of if not the worst . I mean, where do I even begin?

It’s not just bad, but truly, deeply, abysmally terrible. You may think that I’m exaggerating, or being overly critical. But don’t take my word for it. Just ask anyone who’s ever been unfortunate enough to have had to eat a traditional British meal (that hasn’t been influenced by one of it’s many commonwealth colonies…). It’s like a culinary crime scene: overcooked, under seasoned, and utterly devoid of flavor. It’s no wonder that British cuisine has gained such a bad reputation.

Take fish and chips, for example. The quintessential British dish. It’s greasy, it’s soggy, and it tastes like cardboard. Not only that, but it’s served with the kind of sides that would make even the most hardened of carnivores shudder. Mushy peas? Really? Why on earth would anyone think that was a good idea? Why would someone want their side dish to resemble regurgitated baby food?

Which level of Dante’s Inferno did this come from?!

And it’s not just fish and chips. The same unfortunate fate befalls pretty much every British dish. Shepherd’s pie is nothing more than a pile of mashed potatoes and grey beef.

Bangers and mash? Just a pile of greasy sausages and lumpy mashed potatoes. And don’t even get me started on the so-called “desserts”. Spotted dick? Trifle? Eaton Mess? I’d rather eat my own deep-fried shoe.

If you’re looking for something exotic, you won’t find it in the UK. British cuisine is about as exciting as watching paint dry. Sure, there is the occasional novelty dish, like “toad in the hole” or “bubble and squeak”, but these are more novelty than anything else.

And let’s not forget the total lack of variety in British cuisine. I mean, where are all the exotic spices and flavors that you can find in other countries? And don’t even get me started on the complete absence of fresh produce. It’s a wonder the entire population didn’t succumb to scurvy and rickets.

Gallery of British Abominations

For your masochistic viewing pleasure, I’ve included a gallery of some of the most brutal concoctions from across the pond:

Jellied Eels — Because regular eel was just too appetizing for the British palate

Pork Pie — Food that looks like it could double as a murder weapon

Stargazy Pie — A dish that perfectly embodies the phrase … WTF?

But…the question that haunts me is WHY British food so closely resembles the gruel we will be fed to sustain us once AI inevitably takes over. I’ve come up with a theory.

Sexual repression.

Now, hear me out because it really does make so much sense.

You can’t expect a nation that has actively denied the existence of sex for centuries to be able to incorporate the sensuality needed to prepare truly spectacular food. Missionary and salt and pepper is all that exists. Oh yes…and brown sauce. British food was never meant to excite the senses. The no nonsense country with its no nonsense food was made to provide sustenance and sustenance alone.

In conclusion, if you’re looking for truly awful food, then British cuisine is definitely the way to go. But if you’re looking for something a little more exciting and flavorsome, then you might want to consider looking elsewhere. Trust me, your taste buds will thank you.

-B-