7 drinks, 7 days: caffeine edition

No one asked me to do this. I didn’t need to do it for any specific reason, except I was preparing to be in my house for a long, indeterminable amount of time and decided to make it interesting. I tried these 7 energy drinks over the course of the last 7 days. I’ve never had any of them before this, so here are my first impressions of each, along with a rating out of 10. Enjoy!

DRINK: Guru, 8.4 oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: 100mg/can

MAIN INGREDIENTS: organic white grape juice concentrate, apple acid, green tea leaf extract, organic guarana seed extract, organic echinacea flower extract, organic panax ginseng root extract

REVIEW: This tastes almost identical to the Pussy Energy Drink I tried last year. The flavor is amazing. It’s tart, and a little sweet, but not syrupy. White grape juice and apple juice are overlooked ingredients in general; they’re probably in a juice you already enjoy. This one packed a punch, which I wasn’t really expecting. It’s only 100 mg, but because it’s only 8.4 oz, it’s more concentrated than other 100 mg energy drinks, so it’s able to give just the right amount of kick. I will absolutely be buying this regularly, and would drink it every day. 10/10

DRINK: Bawls Guarana Ginger, 10 oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: 59 mg/bottle

MAIN INGREDIENTS: high fructose corn syrup, caffeine, guarana extract

REVIEW: This shit pissed me the fuck off. I have something personally against any brand who uses scare tactics. On the website AND on the bottle, there’s labels that say HIGH LEVELS OF CAFFEINE. I expected to drink this and be FLOATING. Instead, it was a syrupy ginger ale with 59 mg of caffeine, which is practically nothing. Why lie?!!! For reference, there’s about 95-100 mg of caffeine in a cup of coffee. This is nothing. It’s a fucking ginger ale, and even as a ginger ale it’s just FINE. Nothing to write home about. Diet Coke puts more pep in my step than this. Not only will I never drink this again, but it’s also banned from my home. 0/10

DRINK: MATI Sparkling Energy Drink in Peach Mango, 12 oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: 115 mg/can

MAIN INGREDIENTS: brewed organic guayusa, organic mango puree, organic apple juice concentrate, organic peach juice concentrate, organic lime juice concentrate

REVIEW: Beautiful. The flavor of this drink is great, and the caffeine level is perfect. It felt about the same as Guru, but took a little longer to set in. Not an excruciating amount of time, though. Just longer. I appreciate how clean this drink tastes. It reminded me of the Clean Cause Energy Drinks I tried last year. Like, in a beverage world, they’re cousins or maybe step siblings. I’m going to pick up other flavors of this next time I want to try something new. 10/10

DRINK: Guayaki Raspberry Yerba Mate, 16 oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: 140 mg/bottle

MAIN INGREDIENTS: organic yerba mate, organic caffeine, organic raspberry juice concentrate, organic cranberry juice concentrate

REVIEW: This one was probably my most “traditional” choice out of the selection I tried, and I know it’s not “new” but it’s new to ME. Flavor-wise, what can I say? It’s a raspberry tea. The paragraph on the back of the bottle is kinda giving me Dr. Bronner’s energy as far as what it seems to expect me to get out of using the product, but it’s fine. It’s not to the same overwhelming degree or anything, but it’s like chill...this is a raspberry iced tea. This one was another disappointment. After carefully reading the bottle (looking at the nutritional label for longer than 15 seconds), I realized that a full bottle is TWO servings, not one. So obviously, drinking half of this bottle did nothing. I hate serving sizes. A serving size is what *I* say it is. This made me feel cheated. It’s like how Pop Tarts say a serving is one tart, but they’re packaged in twos. What am I supposed to do about that? It’s unclear what I’m expected to do. Anyway, in this instance, I drank the whole bottle over the course of 30 mins and felt nothing but mildly annoyed. 5/10, won’t drink it again unless I’m in the mood to be lied to.

DRINK: w*nder fast times (cucumber, lime, mint), 12 oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: no fucking idea

MAIN INGREDIENTS: schisandra extract, gotu kola extract, cbd isolate

REVIEW: First of all, I had no fucking idea what these ingredients were when I chose this, but everything about it told me I needed it. The lack of a discernible caffeine amount, the ingredients I knew nothing about, the beautiful can, the combination of flavors that was sure to make me gag..I was born to try this drink. This made me feel very...SOMETHING. I can’t really put my finger on it. It’s not really a feeling I can describe after only drinking one can one time. It DID kinda remind me of how I feel when I drink caffeine and then eat a weed gummy, but without the “feeling high” part. Maybe I was just focused??? I’m unsure, and will have to revisit this one. I didn’t research anything until the day after I drank this, which may sound risky, but I’m not scared of shit. Anyway, I did some research on schisandra extract, and it’s an adaptogen, which is meant to relieve stress, etc. Is that what I felt??? God?? Can you please help me??? This one gets ???/10 until I figure out what the fuck’s going on.

DRINK: Kona Red Cold Brew Coffee in Vanilla Latte, 8 oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: 118mg/can

MAIN INGREDIENTS: coffee, reduced fat milk, hawaiian cascara extract

REVIEW: I mean, yeah. This was like, exactly what it said it would be. I have nothing negative to say. It tasted good, and I liked it. There’s really not much to say. I don’t drink dairy very often, so I enjoyed this little creamy baby. I love this tiny drink like it’s my child. 10/10, only an unhinged person would rate it lower, and clearly, I am completely and totally hinged.

DRINK: KITU Super Coffee in Mocha, 12oz

CAFFEINE CONTENT: 200 mg/bottle

MAIN INGREDIENTS: colombian coffee, whey protein concentrate, coconut mct oil, monk fruit, cocoa powder

REVIEW: This is a fucking controlled substance. Holy shit. I wanted to run to the nearest highway and do parkour. There’s no other way to explain it. I looked at my cat and said “This is sooooooo fucked up,” and he immediately went and sat in his box, staring at me, as though he could feel the energy pulsing off of my body and feared it. It doesn’t taste good to me though. There’s a little paragraph on the back that says “It all started in our little brother’s dorm room,” and yeah, it does taste like that’s what happened. I appreciate the inclusion of monk fruit instead of sugar, but the coconut oil, monk fruit, whey protein and cocoa powder make for an odd taste. The flavor is kinda similar to the Apres drink I tried, except that one tastes better. Did I drink the whole thing anyway? Obviously. Will I do it again? Of course. 7/10 bro it is what it is.