When you ride or die for the wrong person?

My problem is that I am a ride or die kind of person. If I love you, if I am really there for you, then I will do anything for you. I will do anything to protect you, and stand up for you. I really am a ride or die kind of women. They type that says 'if you are going over the cliff then I'm going over the cliff too'. When I make a commitment, a real commitment, I can't give it up. I can't just let it go or walk away. I have a problem with giving up. It's like I see it that I failed, and that just isn't an option to me. In general, there is nothing wrong with that. Being loyal to someone in general is a good thing, and a good way to live life overall. But what do you do when you commit to the wrong person? Someone that doesn't appreciate it, doesn't see it, takes advantage of you. Getting out, and seeing through the darkness is the hardest thing to do.

I committed to the wrong person. This is something that I am finally seeing. Should I have seen it earlier? Yes, of course, but I can't go back. If you are in the same position, don't go down that road. It's not going to help you to look backwards, and keeping focusing on the red flags you should have seen. Look back to learn your lesson, yes, but don't be hard on yourself on what you should have done. It already happened, and you can't go back. I really believe that everything happens for a reason. So yes I should have walked away earlier, I should have seen the red flags earlier. Everything that happened to me, made me the person that I am now. So I don't regret it, and won't change it. It made me stronger, made me better, and it was what I had to go through.

Now that I know, trying to move forward is difficult. He still sucks me in. Really I am angry with myself that I let myself always get pulled in. He lives in his own world, not in reality. So when he starts lying about me, talking crazy about things that I know is not true, I have a problem just ignoring it. I want to defend myself. To prove that it isn't true, even though I know logically that he will never admit that he is wrong. Even though I know that, I keep trying, always wanting to bring it back to the truth. When he pulls me into his crazy, I need to remind myself that ignoring it is the best option. To remind myself that he will never accept reality. And that ignoring it is sometimes the best option. He will never say that I am right, he will never admit that he is wrong. So just me knowing it for myself needs to be good enough.

My biggest problem is really walking away. Because I love so hard, it's very hard for me to walk away. I stay in bad situations for so much longer than I need to due to this problem. How do you really break that habit? How do you put yourself first when you have never done that? I'm not sure if I can, and I am not sure how. He has done so many things to me. But yet I return, though I don't know why. Is being alone really that scary for me now? The man has beat me, cheated on me, puts me down, disrespects me, doesn't do anything for me. Yet here I am. I feel like when I started this relationship, I let him get into my head that it was best for our daughter that we be together. He had me when he said that we would be together forever, putting it in my head that it meant something to him. I failed to see how that really means nothing to do. Since I made that commitment, I have a problem walking away, a problem breaking it. What does he have to do for me to really be okay to leave fully? We don't live together, and one would think that would be enough. I thought that when I moved out, and the things that happened shortly after, was enough for it to be over. Yet here we still are, in this place that I can't seem to leave no matter what I do.

I know that research shows that the best thing for daughters is that they have a good relationship with their father, and that the biological parents live together. However, it also is best for children to live in a positive and happy home, which I think is more important. I want to do the best thing for my daughter. The best thing for her may be for her and I to live together on our own. He can visit. My problem is that I need to stand up for myself. I need to make sure that it is clear where I stand. Walking away and standing up for myself is so hard. I don't want it to be, but it is.

-T