What Happened to the Hero?
For the Identity Challenge
Identity...this is a tough one for me. As much as I like to do self-reflection, I generally don't like what I see when I look inwards and I guess a lot of that has to do with my identity and how I define who I am. That's what makes the subject difficult for me.
The word identity by definiton is the qualities, personality traits, beliefs, apperance and/or expressions that characterise an individual or group.
Over the last 22 years my identity has changed dramatically. When I was younger, I always felt I would be a hero of some kind, or at least someone that brought good to the world. Looking back over my life so far, and facing some hard truths I've been coming to terms with over the last 22 years, I have to say that the reality of my identity is far from what that young, wildly imaginative boy thought. Rather than being the hero of my life, I have very much been the villain.
When I think of the word identity and how I would define my identity, beyond simply saying "Scottish-Italian" or "man", other terms I would use, include:
- Son
- Brother
- Nephew
- Grandson
- Cousin
- Husband
- Father
- Grumpa (portmanteau of grandpa and grumpy) (Albeit it step-grumpa, but it still counts)
- Uncle
- Son-in-law
- Brother-in-law
Those I guess are the expected identities.
Without any context, they all sound fine.
The problem is...they are...or I am not...fine. None of those identities have avoided being tainted by the stain of mistakes, missteps, bad decisions and inexcusable actions.
That hero I wanted to be, or that person that brought good to the world...never showed up. His mild-mannered alter-ego never really existed past the age of about 21.
Instead, someone different, unexpected (though maybe there was more foreshadowing on his appearance than I ever thought) and deeply flawed surfaced.
In fact, you can take any thesaurus off your bookshelf or look at one online and you will find it full of words that can be placed before any of the terms above that with pinpoint accuracy describe me and how I identify myself right now and over the past 22 years.
Words like:
- Bad
- Failed
- Terrible
- Emotionally distant
- Wicked
- Negligent
- Unkind
- Unloving
- Untrustworthy
I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Lots of negative words. There are positive words I could use, but sadly, I tend to feel the negative overshadows the positive, because the negative aspects of my identity have had damaging effects on not just my own life, but those who share this journey through existence with me.
Further to those terms, there are other words that best describe how I now identify myself and have done in the past:
- Addict
- Liar
- Cheater
- Screw-up
- Failure
- Gaslighter
All of the terms above are true. All of the terms help to describe my identity.
But also, and, perhaps most important, I identify as someone who is trying, someone who is trying to take responsibility for their actions and decisions in the past and who is in recovery and not about to stop fighting to regain the trust of those who are most important to me in life.
That's what I've found, that your identity changes. Who I was 20 years ago and how I identify the old me, the old Paul does not need to be who I am or how I identify myself now.
I am all of those things, or rather, have been all of those things. But, don't have to be them anymore. I can be better, a positive force in my life. I may never be the hero I wanted to be, but I can be that someone who brings good to the world, my world and those in it.
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Thank you for reading!
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Scottish-Italian poet/writer from Glasgow.
Overflowing in English language torture and word abuse.
"Every man has a sane spot somewhere" R.L Stevenson
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection is now available!
https://paulspoeticprints.etsy.com
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Comments (13)
My friend, this was a piece of raw honesty, which you always so beautifully put before us. May I take a moment to just remind you- those are moments in time, and who of us has not “failed” ourselves and those we love at one time or another. Although those big things stick out in your mind, I’m absolutely sure there were a billion moments weaved in there where you were the hero, even if you didn’t realize it. As they say, not all heroes wear capes. Sometimes they are the ones who offer a kind smile, a loving word, a hug, a compliment, and the list goes on. The beauty of life is that we can choose different from moment to moment and we are not defined by the decisions we make. In the words of Sam Harris, we can simply “begin again”. Each moment is a fresh opportunity to become. Thank you for sharing your journey so openly with all of us, and I hope you know what an outstanding and amazing human you are. ✨💞✨
I appreciate this open and honest look at yourself, scars and all. Most impressive that you're willing to admit your flaws and make an honest effort to better. A lot of people don't have that courage. Good on you, my friend..
Admirable. You showed us your roughened edges, yet you embraced them and chose to be soft. I don't mean soft as in mushy. I mean soft as in gentle, kind, understanding, caring, and forgiving. It takes strength and emotional maturity to recognize the effects we have on others and want to do better. Be better. Paul, I think you're doing pretty good at being better.
So much with which I relate here, though I know you wish I didn't.
I think we are much the same over time on a really really really core level! I guess identity can be interpreted in various ways though. Yeah our self-concept changes, sometimes many times over and plus our exterior lives change which shapes us internally for good or ill.. yet at the end of the day my take away is that you sound much the same. That you are reflecting on failures and imperfections and now focusing more on self-improvement for you and I guess your family.. I think that is a very noble thing to do. So if I were to fashion a guess I’d say you are still that crazy hero kid but now you’re actually equipped with greater courage & more wisdom too - plus you are able to share it!
Yes, totally true! The old you is not your identity now. Now your identity is the present Paul! Also the King of Acrostics, Accidental Poet and Sir Paul Shakespeare! 🍩🥐
I think we are all heroes in virtue of us writing our words and sharing them here. There are demons, mistakes, missteps and the whole lot ingrained in all of our stories. We all have the devil to pay. Brave you are for throwing it all out for dissection.
I nearly skipped this challenge. It felt uncomfortable. It felt hard to write something not entirely self flagellatory. And I feel like we have perhaps shared that struggle and both of us have chosen a different focus, and that is SO important - there are aspects of our identity we choose to bring depth and colour and texture to, and I love here how you have left those adjectives all on their own. Shallow, unenriched. And then you have nurtured the redemptive aspect, given it sentences and paragraphs and put your name against it. As for heroism - my partner is possibly the least romantic person on the planet - on the surface of it. But who puts a meal on the table when I am done in? Who will sit up in the night if the anxiety gets the better of me and tries to stay awake so that I feel safer to sleep? Heroism is not always a capital letter kind of action, and I am sure you are a hero often and don't even notice it happening.
This hits home, my friend. So much of this is exactly why I didn't list all the possible words I could use to describe myself in my entry. It's also the reason I very nearly didn't write mine. So many of those words could have been used, and most would have been paired with "(Failure)." And a few of those failures - in the areas that meant the most to me, have come very recently. As for the hopes of being a hero, I gave up on that the second time my daughter told me someone else was hers. Thanks for another amazing piece, my eloquent friend! Here's to us regular guys.
My question is, why do you want to be a hero? Is it for yourself or you feel it’s expected?
You have plenty of time to change your hero story if you want to. For me being a hero is being a hero for myself. It’s easy to try to be a hero to others but we really neglect ourselves by over judging ourselves or living up to others expectations. Reality is not always fantasy . Very compelling piece that some may relate to. 😊
Sometime we get to caught up in past mistakes. We feel undeserving and guilt creeps in. Paul enjoy the now, today…. Worry about tomorrow when it comes. This was a very honest approach to the challenge, I applaud you.
Nice to read. Good Work!