What Happened to the Hero?

Identity...this is a tough one for me. As much as I like to do self-reflection, I generally don't like what I see when I look inwards and I guess a lot of that has to do with my identity and how I define who I am. That's what makes the subject difficult for me.

The word identity by definiton is the qualities, personality traits, beliefs, apperance and/or expressions that characterise an individual or group.

Over the last 22 years my identity has changed dramatically. When I was younger, I always felt I would be a hero of some kind, or at least someone that brought good to the world. Looking back over my life so far, and facing some hard truths I've been coming to terms with over the last 22 years, I have to say that the reality of my identity is far from what that young, wildly imaginative boy thought. Rather than being the hero of my life, I have very much been the villain.

When I think of the word identity and how I would define my identity, beyond simply saying "Scottish-Italian" or "man", other terms I would use, include:

• Son
• Brother
• Nephew
• Grandson
• Cousin
• Husband
• Father
• Grumpa (portmanteau of grandpa and grumpy) (Albeit it step-grumpa, but it still counts)
• Uncle
• Son-in-law
• Brother-in-law

Those I guess are the expected identities.

Without any context, they all sound fine.

The problem is...they are...or I am not...fine. None of those identities have avoided being tainted by the stain of mistakes, missteps, bad decisions and inexcusable actions.

That hero I wanted to be, or that person that brought good to the world...never showed up. His mild-mannered alter-ego never really existed past the age of about 21.

Instead, someone different, unexpected (though maybe there was more foreshadowing on his appearance than I ever thought) and deeply flawed surfaced.

In fact, you can take any thesaurus off your bookshelf or look at one online and you will find it full of words that can be placed before any of the terms above that with pinpoint accuracy describe me and how I identify myself right now and over the past 22 years.

Words like:

• Bad
• Failed
• Terrible
• Emotionally distant
• Wicked
• Negligent
• Unkind
• Unloving
• Untrustworthy

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Lots of negative words. There are positive words I could use, but sadly, I tend to feel the negative overshadows the positive, because the negative aspects of my identity have had damaging effects on not just my own life, but those who share this journey through existence with me.

Further to those terms, there are other words that best describe how I now identify myself and have done in the past:

• Addict
• Liar
• Cheater
• Screw-up
• Failure
• Gaslighter

All of the terms above are true. All of the terms help to describe my identity.

But also, and, perhaps most important, I identify as someone who is trying, someone who is trying to take responsibility for their actions and decisions in the past and who is in recovery and not about to stop fighting to regain the trust of those who are most important to me in life.

That's what I've found, that your identity changes. Who I was 20 years ago and how I identify the old me, the old Paul does not need to be who I am or how I identify myself now.

I am all of those things, or rather, have been all of those things. But, don't have to be them anymore. I can be better, a positive force in my life. I may never be the hero I wanted to be, but I can be that someone who brings good to the world, my world and those in it.

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Thank you for reading!