The boundless love a parent has for their child is matched only by their capacity to embarrass them.
The Pain of Parenthood
Sometimes I wish I could do it all over again. I sit and I recollect on the events in my life that lead up to my child being born, I sit and I ponder about how I had the opportunity to do things the right way but chose the wrong way, therefore leading to my child being born into dysfunction. I often find myself being caught up in my shortcomings due to the fact I know I’m capable of so much more. I am grateful to have made it out of my teens with no children, but very much so disappointed in the fact I still had my child young. No one can prepare you for motherhood, not even yourself. This is because you are going through something you have never experienced before in your life. In my opinion, no matter how much you read, listen to stories, and even help with small children, motherhood is just one thing you cant prepare for. When I say this I mean, when you go to have your first child there is nothing you can do to truly prepare yourself. You don’t know what to expect because you have never been through it. How can you prepare yourself for pain you never experienced? That’s the most troubling thing about motherhood for me, the pain this beautiful thing brings you. I expected motherhood and pregnancy to have been this beautiful and exciting event. It was the complete opposite of that in my case, so I often find myself looking at my child in a skewed view. I dont hate my child, I don't resent my child, but I do wish I would have waited. Looking back now, I wish I would have followed my spirit. I know matter of fact my life would have been better, which in turn would have made theirs better as well. I find it ironic because you would never know I feel this way due to the fact my child is loved and they exemplify this in every way imaginable. But I often sit and think about the traumatic pregnancy I endured and the struggles we currently face. I can’t go and grind like I used too due to the fact I now have another human being to look after. That’s annoying as hell. Then I have to sit and calculate down to the minute on how many hours I need to work in order to have the basics covered, you can forget about anything “extra”. I hate that I even put myself in this boat, I know it can be made out of but why on earth did I do this in the first place. It was selfish as hell if you ask me, but it is so crazy because my child needs for nothing. They have been covered and taken care of since before they entered this realm. But I am so hard on myself due to the fact I know I am capable of more. So, the feeling of regret, loneliness, and anger are all normal in this journey of motherhood. I just wish I could have done things better, I never wanted my child to have to experience any type of struggle. I never wanted them to experience any kind of pain due to their circumstances, I wanted my children to grow up living a Huxtable type lifestyle. That’s what they deserve and only if I wouldn’t have been so selfish. But I also too have to give myself credit for the fact that my child is loved and very well taken care of. I do my best with what is provided to me. I just know I could be so much more and do way better than what I am currently doing. I said all this to say the emotional rollercoaster you feel with motherhood is normal. The good, the bad and the downright ugly, it’s all normal. Remind yourself you’re doing the best you can and that if you could do more you know you would, but this is all you have for the moment. Be kind to yourself for you are the CEO of a non stop business (your children and household are the business here) and you are a multifaceted woman. Only worry about what you can control and let the rest go. For mothers are phenomenal women who truly aren’t credited enough if you ask me. Love yourself a little extra and be gentle.
Breastfeeding Made Easy For All Moms.
Introduction Breastfeeding; it seems so natural and easy when you see experienced moms with a good let down doing it, as they have nice eye contact with their little ones while the little ones make all manner of ‘happy baby’ movements with their hands and legs.
A Gift Guide For My Mom
A Gift Guide for My Mom My mom is 83 years old. She was a wife for 62 years. She’s the mom of six grown children. She has sixteen grandchildren – not including the steps and halves and all the grands’ friends. She’s a great grandma too. She is a daughter, a sister, and a friend. Mom is short in stature (and shrinking as time goes on!) but she has a large presence. Her laugh is loud and contagious. Her smile is big, bright, and beautiful. She has opinions and isn’t encumbered whatsoever to state them. She has a lot of love in her heart for everyone. Mom loves the underdog, the least of us.
Leading By Example
I was in the process of moving into my very first apartment. I was nervous and slightly apprehensive of moving out of the nest. My mother was very apprehensive of me moving out as well which of course makes sense because she does not want to see her little baby leave the home. However my step father was adamant about me leaving the home. He would say "It is time for you to be a man and be independent and live on your own." My step father was really the catalyst of me finally leaving the home. I knew deep down I wanted to do it but I was nervous and hesitant, however my step father was the kick in the ass that I needed to finally spread my wings and fly away. I was meeting with the superintendent that day with my girlfriend, mother and stepfather. As I was in the process of reviewing the lease the superintendent asked my mother and step father if they can be co signers of the lease. Before my mother could answer my step father gave the superintendent a hard "No". The superintendent was somewhat taken aback my my stepfathers assertiveness and from stating he was not going to be a co signer for the apartment. He said " We are absolutely not signing because we don't have to. My step son is mature and responsible enough to be able to pay for his own apartment on his own. He does not need us to be a safety net for him, he can handle the responsibility of financially supporting an apartment on his own. "My step father's response to the superintendent was inspiring to me. It was nerve wrecking having the responsibility to pay for an apartment on my own. However his confidence that he had in me inspired me to find the confidence in myself. The truth of the matter is I don't believe that if it was not for him I would have had the confidence to support myself in my first apartment. If he was not their and it was up to my mother she would have signed the lease to be my financial safety net for the rent. By doing this it would have sent the subtle indirect message to me that I am unable to support myself and be independent. Despite the push back the my step father got from my mother and the superintendent he did not cave. He held his ground and he was adamant of not co signing the lease. His calm certainty and assertiveness was inspiring. I looked at him think "Wow, I wish I could be as strong a verbally assertive, and calm as he was. The very next day I was having dinner with my girlfriend at the time she said "Your step father was a somewhat rude to the superintendent yesterday wasn't he?" I looked at her and "No, I don't think he was rude at all." He was stating what he felt and he felt that I had the ability of supporting myself in my own apartment. I really looked up to the fact that he was able to be so certain of of his stance of the apartment despite the amount of push back that he got from my mother or superintendent. That to me that was a leadership quality I wish I had. A few months later my girlfriend and I were having dinner at mother and step father's apartment. My mother and my girlfriend were finished dinner and they were assembling cloths in the bedroom. My step father and I were having our dinner and chit chatting in the dining room. Moments later my mother and girlfriend came around the corner and they both look at me and said. Logan, come with us now you need to try some clothes on that we bought for you." I felt annoyed and agitating because I was still in the middle of dinner. I looked at both of them and said in whiny tone of voice "But, I'm in the middle of dinner, can't I at least finish my meal?" "My girlfriend said "No! Get up and come try these clothes on now." I felt frustrated and disrespected by her demands and tone of voice. I was not sure of to handle the situation. Do I stand my ground or comply with their demands? I turned to my step father who was sitting next to me to see his reaction to this situation. He had very amused look on his face like he was enjoying watching this situation unfold. I was looking at him for some sort of solution to the situation. He looked at me in the eye and very calmly he said "You know what to do." It took a few seconds for me to realize what he wanted to do. He was not saying it verbally but I was able to read his sub communications. I knew now the course of action that I needed to take. I turned to my mother and girlfriend and they were able to see that my energy and vibe completely changed. I said to the both of them no longer in a frantic, uncertain, insecure tone, but in a calm, assertive and certain tone "I am going to finish my dinner when I am done then I will join you, I would appreciate it if the both of you would leave me be, respect my dinner time and go about your business. That's the way its going to be". My mother walked away calmly. My girlfriend scolded me for a few moments and just stared at her grinning confidently. She eventually walked away. I turned to my step father for his reaction to the situation. He looked at me with a proud look on his face and said "That is how its done, very good." He held up his glass of wine I held up my beer and we cheered each other. He lead me to the proper course of action and I delivered. My step father showed me on a consistent how to model positive strong behavior. He knew that he was in a leadership to me and his own son from his previous marriage and we both were watching him to see how to conduct ourselves in the world as men. Through difficult situation he was able to lead me by example.
Why I started a blog
When I started this blog, I only had one intention of blogging. My only reason for starting this blog was to write my feelings out. Ever since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, I had this idea of writing down how I feel every day because every day I would wake up with different moods. From the moment I knew what was postpartum depression is, I wanted to share everything with everyone who would understand what I was going through and maybe I will get someone who is going through the same thing as me and we share the same journey.
The Myspace project: My Father
I originally wrote this as a blog entry on Myspace in 2006. I was a 32 year old self proclaimed immortal with a taste for good cocaine and an eye for what made the world a beautiful place. I was smack dab in the middle of my glory days. Growing old was never a forethought or an option. Even when I look back at this moment in my life, a moment that I think many people would consider life changing or pivotal, in the here and now, it still hasn't really hit me yet. I don't think it ever will either. Ironically enough, the photo this is all about no longer exists, and yet somewhere in my mind it was significant enough to write about 14 years ago, and important enough still to post once again and talk about it. So here goes.....
Step Mom. Its the awful terrible term that women get cursed with as they get blessed with the love of a child that did not come from their own womb. Its the term with such a bad reputation that fairy tales often have an easy time coming up with a villain with its mere existence.
I thought you would want me. After all I was just your baby girl. It was us against the world till drugs claimed your heart as home. You let greed and sin claim your name. You sold your soul to Grim and a lie, believing you would become whole. But your hole was never filled so you beat me and you sold me. My body was no longer my own. what did I do other than call you Daddy? If this is what a father is then I truly don't need you...
Escaping the Abuse
My mother was frantically grabbing clothes when she suddenly stopped and turned to my brother. “Should we leave him a note? Or do you want to?”
A Christmas for My Mother
Christmas has not always been easy in my household. As a child, my family never really had money at all, but my mom always made it a mission to keep me and my slightly younger brother happy.
Me and Mom
ME AND MOM (A short story) It’s a Spring day in the countryside of Folkston, Georgia. The sun is bright, and birds are chirping like crazy in a tall tree that I try my best not to walk under. When I visit my friend Bobby, I have to go under that tree. Boy, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think the birds hold their poop to have a laugh at me trying not to get all pooped on. It took some time after coming home from Bobby house with bird poop all in my head and shirt to realize why my mom always asked me, if I was taking the umbrella. My reply would be the same, “The weather is okay mom. I don’t need it.’
How a disappointing Childhood led to a happy Adulthood
Is it appropriate to call your childhood disappointing when you know your parent tried their best? Its an ethics thing or should I say something to do with morals.