Mothers Lessons

Since I could remember, I would look up to you. I knew that as my small eyes looked into yours directly something in the future would change. With each moment I got older, dread would overcome me and I would be so afraid to keep feeling what I once felt as a infant, your departure. For years I tried to be as loving and understanding as I could possibly, of the illness that took over you little by little. Not understanding why your behavior towards me became colder and much more distant, yet I tried my best to be there. My world became much darker by each breathe I took, and that was when I knew why our futures would part ways. At the age of 5 your coldness became abuse, but being that young I believed that if I loved you just a little more each day it would heal you.

It was then that we moved to Mexico and your behavior changed. You became less abusive, and neurotic toward myself and my siblings. You were happier, because you were living out a life that you so desperately wanted, which was to be single and young again. Parties after parties, and men trying too woo their way into your life. Yet their efforts of being your one and only wasn't what you had in mind. What you needed was to live out the life you believed you were deprived from. You see, my mother, was a teen mom. At the age of sixteen she had my eldest sister, and was forced to marry a man who resembled her own wants, which were partying and no responsibilities. Now that she was a young mother, and wife she had to serve her duties as the role she so much detested. She moved in from living with one abusive parent, and going into another abusive household.

The details aren't very clear on what happened during that time, because we all know that we all have our own way of how the story plays out within us. What I do know is that she felt pressured to be someone she wasn't born to be, and she moved to the U.S just her and my eldest sister. Then as some time passed she kept living a life of parties, and men, among other things which exposed my sister to a toxic life at a very young age. With time she met someone else who already had children of his own and ended up getting pregnant again. Now at the age of 21 she had four step children, and two of her own making her a mother to six children in total. Soon that toxic relationship would end and she would take her two little girls, and continue her life living as if she had no worries, and all she wanted was to numb her self even more. Exposing two toddlers into a life that wasn't meant for them.

As time passed and both of those two little girls got older, her behavior toward the eldest was already very abusive. That did not stop my mother from still living her life recklessly, but she ended up finding a man who she would actually fall in love with. This man would end up having families spread all over and that for my mother was a deal breaker. Her having to leave this man was difficult not only because she actually loved him, but because she was now pregnant again, and yes another little baby girl. You must be wondering when my time comes, well be patient that we are closer.

It wasn't long before she had left this other man, that she met another. She let him know she was pregnant and he accepted her, so their relationship began. They went on to have another baby girl, that I know he was very happy. He did mention to her that he didn't want more as she already had four daughters, one being his own. So when she was told she would have another baby, a boy this time, his demeanor changed. He was abusive, cold and it became worse when she found out she would have yet another child. Yes, now there would be six children total, three in which were from the same man.

Here is where I came into this story, and well became a therapist to both parents. They both needed someone to listen to them. They needed love, but didn't know how to give it themselves. They were selfish, and unkind with the words they used towards us. With each passing year all I wished for each birthday was that they could feel loved, and accepted. Maybe that would soften their hearts, and they would be different. You see when I was born, it was a hard time since I came with many health complications. They were told that I would be born with down syndrome, and many more health disabilities. Then when I was born, they were given only a two year period to enjoy my life, because that was the furthest Dr.'s thought I'd live. I will be turning 30 this year, and even though I do have health complications it wasn't what all the doctors thought.

With the years that have passed, my father having had custody removed when I was 12, well it was tough. My mothers illness that I had seen as a child, was just consuming her as she aged. She had gotten to the point where she was so good at hiding that she wasn't well in the head, but I knew. My siblings and I knew all she was capable of, and that was scary. In the eye of the public she was this outgoing, spontaneous, loving, and humorous woman. To her children she was this person with different personas residing within her head, and you never knew which would be the one she was for the day.

Today I no longer have communication with her, as she chose to leave and not look back. One of my eldest sisters still speaks to her, but the war within herself is too long that I could no longer be around. Trying to be compassionate, loving, and understanding of a person who believes she is healthy, and sane when it is completely untrue was too draining and consuming that my life became almost non existent. I as well as my siblings do not wish bad upon her, because she also wasn't taught by her own mother what true love was.

What has she taught me? She has taught me to love, when times love was no where to be seen. She has gifted me with siblings who I may not speak to everyday, but I love and would give the world for. My mother taught me that even when we are placed in pitch black darkness, only within us exists the light to help us through. Have I made mistakes? Yes, many of them and all that I am not happy of, but I have to keep pushing forward with all I have, and all I am. Day by day loving parts of myself that I believed to be unloving as I was taught. Breaking away from family chains that were passed down from mother to daughters, and weren't broken before my time. I chose to let my heart heal, as well as my sisters for they are now mothers to amazing kids. My mother taught me that being a mother wasn't about the process of conception, but the love connection you form between the child and mother. Being a mother is protecting, loving, and respect. A mother is someone who allows her light to be shared into her child, in hopes that the child will shine brighter.

So to you mother, I am grateful you are my mother. Even though my love for you was tainted by darkness at a young age, my heart still wishes you well. Grateful for all the moments that today shape me, and even though I have to still work on myself and letting go of toxic traits, I know that without all of that I would be a completely different person. Maybe I wouldn't have hurt people along the way, but looking back doesn't only helps to not make the same mistakes. For that I am grateful, because your sickness allowed me to break chains of trauma, and to love as well as allow others to love you.