Split In Half

My biological father had this darkness about him that I can’t explain. It was perfect because it allowed everyone to love him and hide the darkness they couldn’t see. I thought I could cancel out the darkness I inherited from my biological father. When there is rage in your bloodline, sometimes all you feel is anger. I think that some men just shouldn't be fathers. It’s hard to fully understand how much of a bad person he was. I thought I was destined to be like him and my biological mom for a while. I thought that it was written in my DNA.

Every child even if separated at birth was tethered and linked to their parents. Was my DNA ruined by my father's actions or inactions? Or was I going to have the privilege of rising above it all and creating a destiny of hope, peace, and possibly forgiveness? Maybe there was a way for me to live my life that wasn't so consumed by hatred. My father has a lot of hatred in his heart. That brokenness is part of him, who he is. Finding peace has been hard. Forgiving him, even harder. My parents invented Grief, I invented silence. If you don't talk about it does it exist? I have always been distant. I don't like to talk about my feelings. I grew up feeling like I was missing a part of myself.

I have a hard time adjusting. I think way too much and overanalyze. I get frazzled and frazzled doesn't look nice. I get that from my mother. I get my anger from my father. I can't turn off the anger, it seeps into everything, and I have no one to blame but myself. I take everything too personally. I take on too much. Sometimes I set myself up for such heartache. I build expectations to a point that it will drive me insane if it doesn't all work out. Then I blame myself for allowing that in the first place. I do want to focus on forgiveness, no matter what reality it exists in. I sat with my anger long enough until it told me it was grief. Apart of me is grieving the family I never had. I have to tell myself that trauma is trauma, it doesn't matter if it "Could have been worse" What matters is how I was impacted by it.

I will never have the relationship with my biological family that most people dream of. It has taken me a very long time to not let that fact break my heart. Sure, It still hurts. I'm not going to let my biological parents' actions or inactions affect me in my everyday life. As adults, we try to develop the character traits that could have saved our parents. Thinking about my bio parents knowing I never want to be anything like them. I look at a picture of my parents and don't and I don't think I am part of them.

It sometimes hurts to think that anyone could be so unwanted the only logical thing for my parents to do was leave me at nineteen weeks old. While I am sure it was for good. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed. It feels like my heart is in two places: my bio parents and my adopted parents. I had a good childhood but something was always missing. I still have a lot to process and a lot of questions. I watch my friends with their parents and feel like I'm missing out. I do not blame my adopted mother for any of this. But I always felt different. I felt different than my friends who had both parents.