Pancakes at Midnight

Have you ever wanted a midnight snack and had nothing to snack on because you haven't gone grocery shopping yet? This happened one Friday night to me and my youngest child, Elliott (they/them).

Elliott is fourteen years old, which is a rough time for kids. Elliott decided to change their pronouns to they/them about a year ago. They are not sure yet, but they think they may be trans. They are just trying to find out who they are, and much like me, they shut down instead of talking about their feelings or thoughts. (That is why I write about them). Getting them to open up is difficult. Here is where the midnight pancakes come in.

As I mentioned, one Friday night, we were both still awake around eleven forty-five, and the munchies kicked in. We hadn't gone shopping yet. While searching the cabinets, Elliott found the pancake mix. They grabbed the pancake mix, and we both looked at each other. They cracked a little smile, so I said, "Let's do it!" As we were getting the ingredients and mixing them, it was like Elliott's guard came down. As we started cooking them on the griddle, they brought up a scary movie they wanted to see. We were both still wide awake, so we decided to watch it after the pancakes.

While we were cooking them on the griddle, they started discussing counseling and how they didn't know if the counselor was a good match. They talked about their mom and the difficulties they were having in their relationship. By then, the pancakes were done, and we sat down to eat. Just Elliott and I-everyone else was sleeping.

We continued to talk while we were eating. We talked about funny stories and jokes we had heard. They showed me funny memes that they had saved on their phone. We laughed and talked the entire time. We finished our midnight pancakes and then started to clean up. The conversation became serious. They opened up and started talking about all the negative feelings they were having. They spoke about how their mother doesn't accept them and makes them feel like they are a disappointment. We moved the conversation into the living room. They broke down in tears, so I hugged them. They collapsed into my arms and just cried. I cried too, simply because my child was hurting. After a few minutes, they had calmed down, and we put on the movie we had decided on. I couldn't concentrate on the movie. My head was spinning, trying to figure out how to help. The only thing I could come up with was to make sure they knew that I loved them, no matter what and that I always will. When the movie ended, they hugged me goodnight and said, " I love you, Dad. I told them I loved them and that no matter what, I always will. They said I know, and went to bed.

That night has stayed with me. It has been almost a year since our midnight pancakes, but we have had talks like that since. It was a turning point in our relationship. Up until then, they were daddy's little girl. Our relationship had to change from that; they weren't daddy's little girl anymore. It wasn't easy to get used to, but we have forged a new relationship and have had many more discussions. We talk about big ideas and spirituality. We laugh at silly jokes. We talk on the phone at least once a week. When they are upset or struggling emotionally, they reach out to me now. When we are around groups of people, if their anxiety flares up, they know to find me, and we talk it out.

I learned some things that night. I learned that those times when everyone is asleep except the two of us (We are both night owls) are a big opportunity for them to have all of my attention. I learned that it isn't what material things you can do for your child. Sometimes, all they need is our undivided attention with an ear to listen. I learned that sometimes you can't fix everything, but you can let them know you are always there and they don't have to go through it alone. It turns out the old saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" may have some truth to it.

I strongly recommend pancakes at midnight, simply for the discussions to be had. That has worked for us. What are your pancakes at midnight?

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