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I'm the Villian in his history.

When trying isn't enough.

By Nat Published 3 months ago 3 min read
I'm the Villian in his history.
Photo by Yiran Ding on Unsplash

If you would ask my father who ruined his life, His children would be his answer. I never understood how children can ruin a grown man's life. Almost 25 years later, he wants to come back to my life. I look at my father, knowing I never want to be like him. He looks at me thinking the same and his father looked at his father thinking the same. it's sickening to think about actually. I am terrified of becoming my father; sometimes it's easier to act as though I already am instead of fighting. I'm so tired of fighting.

My biological father was never an easy person to get along with. My father and I share the same anger. I can hold a grudge like it's a hand. So when my Father told me that my siblings and I were the one thing that ruined his life, I was pissed. I don't think anger is the right word. It was more than that. Maybe he had a point, he was always angry now I'm always angry. My father could have been gentle. He could have been kinder. He could have held his tongue and his fist. So when a family member mentioned that I have my father's anger, it made sense. He is one of the angriest people I have ever met. I've been told that I am very much like him, and I get scared of it. Rage is the one thing I got from my father. When I get mad I get very mad and say things that I don't mean. In my head, there is no such thing as a little. it's all or nothing. All-or-nothing thinking is very common in my family. There is a trail of anger flowing through my bloodline, from my great-grandfather to my grandfather to my father to me.

I begged him to want me but he didn't want to. I had to pick myself up where he abandoned me. Whenever a man yells, I feel like I am an infant again and being left again. I thought that if I piled something good on all my ba, II could cancel out all the darkness I inherited from my father. For a man with that much hate in their heart, something else must be going on.

Sometimes you have to be someone's villain just to earn a little bit of peace. So I took the money he gave me and never went back. The people who meant the most to me no longer know what to say. I looked around and I saw something my dad couldn't take away. When in relationships and we argue. I forget that he ain't him and I ain't her. When I think fighting ends with pain. I wanna prove myself wrong but I'm scared I'll prove them right. I think that if my father weren't my father, he would be one of the men he hates; he is faithless and narcissistic. The rage is the one thing I got from my father. I don't know where to put the anger anymore. My words shoot to kill when I'm angry. I have a lot of regret about that. I look at my bio parents knowing I never want to be like them and they look at their parents thinking the same thing. it's sickening to think about actually. I am so terrified of becoming my father that sometimes it's easier to act as though I already have so I can stop fighting. I am not the kid my bio parents wanted and it took me years to try to live with that it's sad but there is nothing I can do about it.

valuessinglesiblingsparentsimmediate familyhumanitygriefchildrenadviceadoption

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writing about adoption, mental health, and relationships.

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