Ghost Dads

I didn't have a story book Father son relationship that any kid longs to have. Thankfully I didn’t have a nightmarish abusive relationship with him either. You could say we had a ghost relationship. My father was merely an acquaintance I was able to visit from time to time. You see my parents were married and then divorced less than a year’s time. Before the age of nine I had no idea who my father was. He never stopped by to visit or offer to take me to his place so I could see his place and could get to know one another. It seemed like he couldn’t even bother to pick up the phone and say, “Hi kiddo, how are you doing today?” Growing up it was just my mom and I, but I always wondered what my dad was like. Right around the time I turned nine my mom had enough of me asking about my dad. She was finally able to reach out to one of my aunts and she provided my mom the info needed to get a hold of my dad.

With some hustle from my mom, I finally got to meet the man who was supposed to be my father. Turns out shortly after the divorce, my dad had found someone else and remarried. They had three children, two girls and one boy. I was no longer an only child. I had siblings now, and I was excited to be their big brother. My parents were able to agree on times when I can stay with him. It was difficult to arrange, as there was over a two-hour drive between My mom’s place in the Twin Cities area, and My dad’s place in the Brainerd Lakes area. My mom made it work for as long as she could. I got to visit with my dad and hang out with my new siblings. It still wasn’t the best situation. My dad worked almost as much as my mom. While I was staying at his place, I felt like I spent more time with my siblings and their mom than I did with him. I still had some fun there, so it wasn’t a complete waste. Looking back, I think I may have been a little spoiled and rebellious towards my dad. While he was at work I was expected to listen to his wife. For me, I already had a mom. Why on earth did I need to listen to this imposter. These visits lasted about two years, and by the time I turned 11 they stopped all together. I personally don’t remember how or why they stopped.

It wasn’t until I was 25 and in a serious relationship, did I think about reaching out to my dad again. By this time, I had already written him off and didn’t want anything to do with him. I spent a lot of time with my mom’s side of the family. Mainly her father’s side with his second wife and their three kids. I had so much fun with my uncles, however that is for a different story. My mom and I decided it was time to change our last name to her maiden name. Just another step of righting off my own father.

My girlfriend and I were so happy and in love. We talked about getting married and raising kids of our own someday. That got me thinking that when we have kids, I would really like it if they knew their grandpa. I reached out to my dad and my siblings. Boy did I find out how things change over time. My dad and his wife were still together and had a second boy. I did see him once when I was younger, however the visits stopped sometime after his birth, and I never really got to know him. Couple of my siblings had children of their own and already made my dad a grandpa. His family really grew while I was away.

It was nice seeing everyone again as I started visiting again from time to time. Instead of things getting better between my dad and me. You could say they got worse. I believe I got my fear of confrontation from him, because instead of sitting down and talking. He wrote me a letter explaining his position so many years ago. After reading the letter my feelings turned to frustration and disgust. In the letter he said that his lawyers basically told him that there was no way he would get custody. He backed off fighting and simply gave in and gave up. I know Minnesota has always had a strong reputation of being a mommy state. When it came to custody cases the courts always favored the mother. I understood if he didn’t have the desire or the funds to fight a long hard custody battle. But he didn’t even fight for visitation rights, and he wasn't making any child support payments. My mom had to fight and get his wages garnished. I felt hurt, betrayed, and even angry. When I became a father, I couldn’t imagine giving up and not being a part of their lives. I would fight with every ounce of breath I had for them. Even if I lost custody, I would do whatever It took to be there for them and a part of their lives.

One of my sisters eventually asked me if I knew why the visits stopped. At the time I didn’t know. It seemed so long ago. The more I thought about it I began to think perhaps it was my fault. As an only child I never had to share my mom with a sibling. Naturally the thought of having to share my dad. Not to mention there was no way I would consider his new wife as a mom. I have the best mom I could ever hope for. This new lady couldn’t hold a candle next to my mom. At some point my mom and I got to talking about my dad and I asked her if she knew why the visits stopped. Being a single mom, she worked a lot to just to make ends meet. Having to plan out a four hour round trip to drop me off and then to pick me up was tough and expensive. My dad rarely helped us out with transportation. So, things just stopped. My mom couldn’t do it without some help, and my dad wasn’t pulling his weight. My mom had to fight for what little child support she was getting.

All my life’s lessons were taught by my mom. She taught me how to be strong, how to care for others, how to drive, and so much more. My mom worked anywhere from two to four jobs at a time to ensure we had a roof over our heads and food on our plates. That being said, I did learn something from my dad. I learned that no matter what, my kids are very important to me. I will support them, be their shoulder to cry on, I will be there to help them up when life knocks them down, and most importantly I will love them unconditionally. I will let nothing get in the way of being their father. I can only hope I’m as good of a father as my mother was.