What is Love

There’s a beautiful pond down a couple of blocks from my house. I’ve lived in this town my whole life. My best friend Tommy and I would go to the pond every winter to skate and play hockey. I love playing hockey. I played from 2nd grade all the way to high school. I got nervous in high school and never tried out for the school team. Boy do I regret that decision.

Today was a usual chilly morning in Minnesota. It was just my wife and I at home this weekend the kids were all busy. I was feeling a little depressed, so I told Diane that I was going to head over to the pond for a bit. “Did you want me to come with babe?” she asked. “Nah… I think I just need a little time to myself right now.” I replied.

“Ok, just remember you promised me a special date tonight. It’s not every weekend we get the house to ourselves.”

“Don’t worry beautiful! I’ll be back in plenty of time.”

I slid my big winter boots on my feet, zipped up the jacket, and put a nice warm hat on my head. Before heading out the door, I also grabbed my hockey stick, gloves, and puck. Maybe I can slide the puck around to snap me out of this mood I’m in.

Once I arrived at the pond, I threw the puck onto the ice. I leaned my stick on the tree so I could get my gloves over my hands. I snatched the stick and started to slide the puck around. Old memories came flooding in.

“Jack, pass the puck! I’m open, come on man!” I could hear Tommy’s voice yelling at me like it was yesterday. We played so many games on this ice. I was a bit of a puck hog, which is why Tommy was always yelling at me.

“I can make it Tommy, I’m almost at the net!” what I didn’t realize during that moment, and why Tommy wanted me to pass the puck so bad. Was a great big defender came up from behind me and knocked me off my feet. I swear I flew up a couple of feet before landing face down on the ice. That’s when I learned why there is no back checking in a real game. I could barley get on my feet, blood was running down my face like a faucet was turned on. I was feeling very light headed. Tommy was able to help me home that day, and then my mom brought us to the hospital to find out my nose had been broken. Luckily it was a Friday. Tommy’s parents let him stay the night with me. Being in middle school we were young enough yet to play pretend. So Tommy was my nurse that night. Making sure I was well taken care of.

I stopped sliding the puck and dropped to my knees in tears. I couldn’t move anymore I was so depressed. I missed Tommy so much, and I just want to be able to see him one more time.

“Hello stranger.” I wiped my eyes and looked back to see Tiffany. She was my second-best friend and the mother to my oldest daughter. We never got married or even dated really. Sam was a bit of an accident you could say. But the two of us vowed to be the best parents Sam could ever want. So far it seems to be working. We both got married over the years and Sam continues to spend time with both of us. Even if she is about to go off to college next year.

“Diane said you left alone and seemed a little sad. She was worried about you and thought maybe there was something I could do to help.”

“I know, I know… She is really looking forward to tonight. I can’t let her down.”

“Let me guess you never even told her what this time of year means to you, did you?”

“No, I never did.”

“God damn it, Jack! Why would keep that from her? She loves you so much! I like her a lot better than you first wife… What’s her face?”

“Katie?”

“Yeah, that bitch! Don’t screw this one up Jack!”

“It’s been so many years Tiff, why do I still feel like it was just yesterday he left us?”

“Have you opened up to anyone about what happened? I know you never told me and I’m supposed to be your number two best friend. What the hell pal? I’m starting to feel like I don’t matter over here.”

“I guess after all these years, maybe it will help finally get this off my chest.” I paused to take breath and stop the tears. “Do you recall Seymore’s big House party senior year?”

“Oh god yes! I lost my… I mean I almost lost my virginity there.” Yeah, Tiffany was that girl in high school. It was strange that Tommy and I were such good friends with her. What can I say she completed us.

“Well Tommy and I were sitting outside on the back steps overlooking the woods. We were just talking, not doing much. We were laughing and having fun. Then something strange happened. We were silently staring at each other. It was like there was no party going on. It was just Tommy and me, alone. Without warning he quickly leaned in and kissed my lips. Shocked at first I jerked back a little. I think I scared him, because he was about to apologize. When I made my move and locked lips with him. I felt so happy and warm. It could’ve been the coldest night ever, and it wouldn’t have matter. It was the closest thing I had to a fairy tale moment.”

“Holy shit! That’s huge! I always wondered if you two had something more than just a friendship going on. Wait at minute… wasn’t that the night Tommy went missing?”

“Yep! That was probably the best and worst night of my life.”

“Jack… I guess I suspected it, but never really questioned it. Being gay back then must have been scary for you two.”

“That was the only time we kissed. So I never thought of myself being gay. I still liked women, and I never really thought of being with a guy romantically. I still don’t, I really do love Diane. I am so happy we are together.”

“But Tommy was your first love, wasn’t he?”

I paused to think about it. This is the first time in a long time I had to really think of that moment in a positive manner. “Yes. I believe Tommy was my first love.”

“What happened Jack? If you loved him what made it the worst night?”

“When Tommy and I finally stopped kissing. I looked up only to see Seymore and his henchmen standing over us. I panicked and didn’t know what to do. I pushed Tommy away and called him a fa….” I couldn’t finish my sentence I was sobbing uncontrollably at the fact that my younger self did that to my best friend. Worse, I did that to my first love. I enjoyed that moment with Tommy as much as I am hoping he did too. It was over just as quick as it started because I was too afraid back then to admit how I felt. Tiffany held me close to console me as the tears kept running down my face.

“It’s ok Jack! You can’t be so hard on yourself. Times were different, and it wasn’t acceptable to be queer. Not like it’s starting to be these days.”

“That wasn’t the worst of it.”

“What do you mean Jack?”

“Like you said, that was the night Tommy disappeared. It’s all my fault! I ran away after I pushed him. I left him alone with those jock assholes! It was starting to snow that evening and into the morning and got heavier into the afternoon. By the time anyone new he was gone there was so much snow it was hard to track anyone down.”

“I remember that storm, we got a lot of snow that weekend.”

“No one found Tommy for days until some of the snow had melted. They found him in some brush around this pond somewhere. The same pond we played hockey as kids. He was found frozen half naked with slurs cut into his body. His parents had to have a closed casket because you can’t wash off the word ‘fag’ when it’s carved into his forehead.” I cried even more. I can’t imagine what hell Tommy went through in his final moments. “What kind of friend am I to not only run away and leave him with those monsters, but I called him a ‘faggot’ too. What was he thinking of me in his final moments?”

“You were young and scared. There was no way you could of know what would have happened to him.”

“I know it was Seymore and his football gang. But no one could prove it. There was nothing tying those guys to Tommy after the party. As far as the police were concerned Tommy left the party alive and untouched buy the jocks. Did you know that his case is still unsolved to this day? No one has a clue what really happened to Tommy. If they do, they ain’t sharing.”

“As tragic as this all is, and it really is messed up. I think what has you all twisted is the fact you never allowed yourself to love him as someone who meant more to you than just a friend. I mean who knows maybe if you and Tommy could have been open about how much you meant to each other you and I would have never hooked up. Wait… is that why you were so desperate to sleep with me back then?”

“You were hot, and I found you very attractive. But maybe a little. I was so confused after what happened with Tommy. I felt comfortable around you, and thought even if we ended up dating afterwards that wouldn’t be all bad. But instead being with me you just gave me a daughter.” It may seem like a strange turn. But that little joke made me feel a little better and I started to smile.

“Awe.. there you go. There’s the smile I remember. It may not have worked out for you and I but we sure did get one hell of a kid. I wouldn’t change that for the world. I think what you need to do is go home to Diane. Maybe have dinner at home and talk to her. Tell her why this time of the year is so hard on you and be honest and vulnerable. If you do really love her, then trust that she is there for you and let her in and see the whole you. I think that will mean a lot to her.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“You know I’m right Jack! Now get on your feet and go home to your beautiful wife and talk to her.”

“Ok, I will.”

“Now! Go!”

“All right… I’m going…” Tiffany was such a good friend. She always seemed to know what to tell me. She is right, I love Diane and she deserves to know to the whole me.

I walked in the door and dropped my gear off before entering the living room. There was Diane sitting on the couch watching a show and eating some popcorn. She looks so gorgeous just sitting there. I need to tell her. If she is going to stay married to me, she deserves to know a little of my past. “Hey babe, I was thinking…”

“You’re not backing out of our date are you?”

“No way! I was wondering if we could change it to enjoying a nice meal at home together. I have something I really feel like I need to share with you. The reason why I get sad this time every year.”

“Really? A nice dinner at home with my handsome husband sounds just as nice. As long as we get to spend it alone.”

“Absolutely!”