Diary of a Sad Not Pregnant Lady

Do you remember being a little girl playing with baby dolls? It was one of my favorite things to play with when I was a child. I think, even back then, I knew that my goal in life was to be a mother and to have a family. Now at the ripe age of 26 that is the only thing I can think about. I havn't fully figured out what I want in life yet. I've changed my mind so many times. But one thing that has never changed was the fact that I want to be a mother. Starting a family is supposed to be easy. Starting a family is supposed to be fun. Thats what people say, anyway. However, 1 in 6 women will struggle with infertility. I am 1 in 6.

We go our entire teenage years and early adult lives being told that if a man even so much as touches us, we will get pregnant, so do whatever you can to prevent it. Turns out they were wrong. It's apparently much harder to get pregnant that what our parents try to put in our brains. The thing is no one prepares you for something like this. No one tells you that infertility is a thing that might happen to you.

This road is a very lonely road. Since trying to get pregnant I have never felt more alone. You don't hear people talking about trying to have a baby or struggling to have a baby. I'm realizing that it's not that people want to keep it a secret or don't want to talk about it it's that people don't want to listen. All I want to talk about is my struggle with trying to conceive, but there's no one to talk to. I want to talk, I want to cry, I want to scream, but most people don't understand. "It'll happen when it's meant to be." "Just stop stressing and it'll happen." "Just get drunk." Those are the most common things people say. I don't blame them for not saying the "right" thing. I mean is there really a "right" thing to say? I honestly don't even know what I want them to say. I don't think anyone would know what to say unless it's happening to them, and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Since starting this journey I've turned into a bitter jealous person. And I hate that. Every time I see a pregnancy announcement I want to cry because it's not me. Every time I hear about someone getting pregnant on accident, I get angry. Why do they get to be mothers when they weren't even trying? Why does it have to be so hard for me? I did everything right in life. I went to college, got married, became finacially stable. But people who are struggling to put food on the table for themselves get to have babies whenever they want to. Bitter. I told you I was bitter. I hate that these are the thoughts that run through my mind. I want to be happy for people, but it's so hard. Jealously is a real SOB. Sometimes I wonder if all this anger I'm holding is the reason I can't get pregnant.

This has been one of the hardest things I've had to go through. It's even worse because I have to go through it alone. If there is anyone else out there like me just know you're not alone in how you feel. It's a hard journey. Maybe one day we will be able to get our miracle.