FRUSTRATION

Sometimes, I find myself drawn to the rooftop of my university. It's a peaceful escape from the hustle of this busy world. Breathing freely, without pressure of expectations of this society. From up there, watching the students as they move about, studying, and sharing laughers, I often ask myself, why do I exist?

War Against Expectations...

FRUSTRATION is a common and a serious mood disorder, it is the feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something, and prevents from progress, success and fulfilment of something.

Living in a family of four, and being the eldest sibling I've got numerous responsibilities, I need to set a positive example for my younger siblings, support my mother, excel in my studies, and contribute to our household expenses, and without any second thought I can surely say that I fail in every single one of these. Not because I am not willing to be a perfect daughter, I am trying my best but living under a great pressure of expectations, makes it even harder. "What if I am not able to achieve these goals, what if I fail? am I going to be a useless person; a burden on my family?"

If we put a deeper thought into it, we are usually criticized when we don't accomplish our given tasks, and often gets compared to other teens of our age, (which is totally wrong but still understandable thinking from a parent perspective). It's frustrating that our successes seem to be overlooked, while our mistakes haunt us for hours. Why is it that a single accomplishment doesn't carry as much weight as a string of missteps? Making us demotivated and tired of making others happy.

The world may operate on the principle of "Given-Taken," but within a family, it's a whole different game. It's about loving unconditionally, providing support in times of need, being the guiding light in moments of darkness, cheering each other up on gloomy days, celebrating every success, and assuring unwavering presence, regardless of the challenges. Sadly, achieving this harmony often seems like an elusive dream unless every member actively contributes. Most importantly, I think it mostly relies on Parents.

Parents are the most complicated beings on this planet, and dealing with them can be really frustrating. It feels like parents often interpret our words as "talking back" and are reluctant to listen to our explanations. Sometimes, they overreact to small mistakes and resort to emotionally taunting us, which can be really embarrassing and hurtful. It's especially difficult when they become overly dramatic or seem to be affected to the point of nearly fainting over minor issues, such as not doing the dishes on time, and talking back when got pointed, like seriously, is it worthy enough to affect your health for such a small matter? And what about us, what importance do we have in your life, being your children doesn't mean we don't have feelings, or we don't have self-respect. We do feel bad, and tries to reflect on our mistakes but when they tries to impose the same thing on us, it becomes a burden and we feel like avoiding it. Honestly speaking, this really doesn't matter, its their duty to teach us the ethics of life and they are free to choose whatever method they like, they gave birth to us and they surely have the absolute right on us, but the thing I am referring to is the over-reaction on smaller things, and having this parent ego, all I want is them to understand that we are individuals with our own preferences, personal space and feelings, we are still learners and new to this complex world, we don't get things automatically, so please give us the flexibility to be humans.

Friendships?

I think I might never be able to understand what friendship is? Is it about having someone you can share your thoughts with, someone who is there when you need them and makes you feel important in this mean world, someone who is always cheering for you and enjoys your company, or someone who claims to understand you.... I wonder if such person actually exist, because according to my experience, Friends are people who talk to you and seek your help when they need it. They can be really nice to you at those times, but afterward, it feels like you don't even exist to them. I might be mistaken because I haven't stayed close to anyone for long, and I haven't had many friends in my life. The few people I know, can I call them friends, or are they just people I can talk to? It's not that they never help me, they do, but still I struggle with this friendship thing. It's really challenging to understand the people around me sometimes, and it makes me want to just be alone, without anyone judging or expecting anything from me. I don't want to keep striving to please others or change myself just to fit in. On the other hand, I've always yearned for good friends in my life, but the reality has made me give up on them.

Stuck Between Right and Wrong

The world is undeniably perplexing, challenging to grasp and even harder to navigate. What do we really desire in our lives? Happiness? If that's the case, why do people go out of their way to seek trouble instead of embracing peace, both for themselves and others? Some proudly flaunt their disregard for rules, claiming that we only live once and should prioritize enjoyment, while others opt to remain aloof from trouble and excitement. Some are quick to pass judgment based on appearances, while others assess individuals solely on their abilities. Why engage in unnecessary competition when all we truly yearn for is happiness? A child with moderate grades is no less valuable than one with straight A's. Everyone has their own capability, then why disgracing them?

As someone who is still growing and adapting to the world, I believe there's a long journey ahead to truly understand and learn about people. It's said that failure paves the way for success, but what happens when failure brings embarrassment and it feels like the end of the road, leaving no room to try again? The disappointed faces looking at you, branding you a loser - In such a situation, when there's no one to support you and it feels like every possibility of reclaiming your life is slipping away, what are you supposed to do?

Dealing With Inner Demons...

Sometimes I find grateful in my tendency to overthink. When negativity creeps in, I end up having conversations with myself that help me refocus and stay positive. My ultimate solution for dealing with problems is to avoid talking back when it comes to my parents; let them be right and accept being in the wrong. It's not so difficult to do that, right? I love them, so if they're satisfied by me not arguing, then so be it. And for when they become unreasonable, I try my best to ignore them completely, stay calm, and reassure myself that "it will end soon." At least this way, they won't see me as ungrateful. If I could give parents some advice, I would encourage them to be more flexible and aim to be friends with their children. Creating an environment where kids feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and expressing their grievances in an appropriate manner, Let them complain when they wants to... it can ultimately reduce their anger issues and decrease their tendency to show disrespect or raise their voices when talking to you. Deal with your problem like adults, and act more mature.

Nowadays, I prefer to spend time alone, enjoying my own company. I help others when they need me, without expecting anything in return, and I try to handle my own issues, even if I don't always succeed. It's okay, not everyone is great at socializing, and that's just a part of life. I often seek out places with fewer people to avoid social pressure and the constant need to measure up.

I am committed to staying true to my choices and preferences. If I enjoy watching anime, I will continue to do so, regardless of what others may say. Similarly, if I like wearing black, I will embrace it despite any differing opinions. I aim to relish every moment without any lingering regrets, while also dedicating myself to excelling in my studies and fulfilling my goal of becoming the perfect daughter to make my mother proud.

About the part, not being able to get succeeded, I haven't figured out any solution for dealing with disappointed eyes, sometimes It can be really frustrating, feeling trapped without a clear path to escape or start over...

However, I am deeply thankful for my mother. As a single parent, she has done so much for us. I realize that she also has a lot on her plate and can become tired and unreasonable at times. As her daughter, I should be more understanding and patient with her. Mama, I love you, and I'm truly sorry for when I make you sad, and worried.