A YA Story Looking for Input

I read this pretty much right after having read the first part. This is a nice continuation and is shaping up to be a beautifully choreographed, heart wrenching story about a come from behind winner. I am enjoying it and envisioning where it will go. That aside, per your request - below are some errors that should probably be corrected and some advice you can take or feel free to ignore. ******************************************************************************* Mistake # 1: 'hadn’t. timed' in 1st paragraph. M2: They were excited, anxious and nervous ... needs a comma after anxious. proud of the horse, and eager to show her off, but ... ... drop the "and" or drop the comma in front of it My dad’s waiting!” Stated Josh ... ... 'Stated' should not be capitalized and possibly a comma after the ! Ginger stepped right in, Jack secured and locked the doors ... ... This requires more pause than just a comma. Make it a period and "Jack secured ..." a new sentence. friends hopped I into ... .... You accidentally inserted and extra "I" here Right after that you used possessive for Jack but put " instead of ' ... i.e. ....Jack"s instead of Jack's The sentence about jumping into the front seat of the pick-up is too long and run on. Break it into two such as ... The two friends hopped into the front seat of the pick-up next to Josh's dad, who had agreed to drive for them. The bemused father had even granted his permission for them to act as sales agents at the auction house. Being under-age, they were required consent by a guardian to operate in that capacity, and were thus overjoyed when it was granted. The following sentence doesn't fit at all and causes a jolt to the reader. Jack caught the eye of a scruffy colt in one of the group pens, typically left to the “kill” buyers. Have them arrive, then this can occur.... Upon arrival at the auction, the two tumbled out of the truck looking excitedly around. In the sales barn Jack caught the eye of a scruffy colt in one of the group pens - the type typically left to the “kill” buyers. The girl grimaced at the thought but, shaking her head, moved on. Note here that the emotional reach of having Jack be at least mildly upset at the thought of the colt, scruffy or not, being killed. Yes, I realize the next part goes into that and is a nice twist, but I still think the above advice is sound. the colts pen .... versus ... the colt's pen. Don't forget those possessives.

I like this part of the story, the implication that there is going to be something special with this scruffy young colt. There's a bit of errata: 1st paragraph--an extraneous period after "hadn't". 3rd paragraph--"The two friends hopped I into the front seat of the pick-up next to Josh’’s dad, who had agreed to drive for them and gave his permission for them to act as sales agents at the auction house, being under-age, they were required consent by a guardian." An extraneous "I", followed by "Josh"s" instead of "Josh's". "Being underage...," would probably work better as a separate sentence. 6th paragraph--"When the auctioneer recognized as him the buyer...," "as him" seems to be inverted. 7th paragraph--"Jack looked back at the man" I'm assuming "the man" refers to Josh's dad, though referring to him as "the man" immediately after what he's said instead of simply "him" felt confusing to me. I found myself wondering if it was the auctioneer, or even the kill bidder for having conceded the bid. 9th (final) paragraph--"colts" should be possessive, "colt's".

I think You tend to might have a few typos here when it comes to the words "he" and "she." Give me a moment. I got a few things that I've picked up when reading this. Today was the day of the auction. - Instead try, "The auction was today." The use of 'today' and 'day' in the same sentence is redundant. Jack and Josh would be saying good-bye to Ginger after the sale. - This is fine as is, but I think it flows better if You started with, "Today, after the sale, Jack and Josh would be saying goodbye to Ginger." From here, just don't drop it on us that she's a horse. If You do, have her name, Ginger, and describe her as a horse/mare in the same sentence. The horse had come along nicely under their care and laid-back training. She was learning the barrel pattern so well, too. Though they hadn’t. timed her, or asked for top speed, the friends knew she was fast. She was bound to make someone a winner. - "She's come along way since she fell into their care. The luster returned in her main, her gate's improved impeccably, and she's picked up basic pattern training from their laissez faire approach. Just by looking at her musculature, they could tell that she had the capabilities for competitive racing, whether or not her new buyer would intend on her doing so." “Quit spoiling that mare and get her on the trailer. My dad’s waiting!” - I think that having her and mare in the same sentence when referring to Ginger is redundant. It is better than having two 'her's though. Substitute 'mare' for 'Ginger.' You've already had the audience built a connection with the horse by naming it. Don't anthropomorphize the horse, but don't dehumanize it any further. Stripping it of its name strips it of its decency, let alone the dignity that this animal already inherently has. "Quit toying around with Ginger and load her up already!" Josh's impatientness reflecting his attitude(persona) of desiring to grow up faster into the cowboy that he wasn't. Jack smirked toward the horse, away from Josh’s view and led the mare to her ride. Ginger stepped right in, Jack secured and closed the doors on her way out. The two friends hopped I into the front seat of the pick-up next to Josh’’s dad, who had agreed to drive for them and gave his permission for them to act as sales agents at the auction house, being under-age, they were required consent by a guardian. - "Jack smirked towards the horse, away from Josh's line of sight, leading Ginger into the carriage. Upon stepping right in, Jack had closed and secured the doors' locks as he left. Hopping into the front seat of the pick-up truck, he joined Josh his dad as they were well on their way. Being that they were underaged, they needed a parent or guardian to be present with them while they acted as sales agents. Jack caught the eye of a scruffy colt in one of the group pens, typically left to the “kill” buyers. - This sentence throws me off, cause there's no description of them arriving to the auction house. It's like they hopped in the truck and just teleported there. If You're going to do something like this don't just start it as a new sentence or paragraph, start it as a new chapter with a title indicating the main theme, location, or action taking place. Like, 'The Auction House.' That would make for a good fast transition. One another note 'kill buyers' is okay, but I think it needs another term. Like, 'executionist' has so much flavor. You could also try 'crucify' as a synonym for 'kill.' BAM! Crucifying/Crucifier Consumers, C.C. for short. If You don't like Crucifying, try condemning. Throughout the rest of the story, You call this refer to the scruffy colt as a mare, a female. Which gets confusing because last I checked a colt is a male horse, especially before its gelding. If You're trying to refer to it as a young horse, refer to it as a foal, but make sure You keep the sex of the animal consistent. She and Josh made their way back out to join Josh’s dad, who was in the bleachers to watch the horses go through the sale ring and bid on their next project. - "She" is in reference to "Ginger," but there is no mention of them preparing for the auction, like Jack taking Ginger out of the carriage/trailer and leading her to one of the pens. As they watched the horses paraded through and listened to the auctioneer calling bids and sales in his auctioneer rattle, the scruffy colt was led out. Jack saw one of the kill buyers step up to bid. Jack’s hand shot up. Josh looked at her with wide-eyes as his dad raised the paddle into the air to claim Jack’s bid. When the auctioneer recognized as him the buyer, he looked down at Jack in astonishment and amusement. He sat down heavily, rubbed a hand down his face, then said, “Well, there you go, Jack. Not sure what you’re thinkin’, but he’s all yours.” - 'Josh looked at her with wide-eyes as his dad raised the paddle into the air to claim Jack’s bid.' The 'her' in this sentence is rather confusing. Who's the 'her' in this sentence? Is the 'her' the 'kill buyer,' or is the 'her' the 'scruffy colt?' Hence calling the horse the 'colt' and referring to it as 'her' becomes highly confusing. Plus, there's too many 'hims' in this paragraph to recognize one sole person as a him. I have to assume that it's Jack and not Josh's dad. Plus, there's only one dad that we know of here. Josh's Dad. Did Jack's Dad just become Josh's dad? Hence the confusion as an audience member. Your intentions as the author to convey Your message is there, but the grammar's preventing You from doing so. Jack looked back at the man. She hugged him, exclaiming “Thank you!” - She? I thought they were all males or boys/men in this story. The only female that we know about is Ginger. I think that's a slip of the finger kind of typo right there. Lord knows I've made too many. And uh- hold up... good grief. Author's notes... Jack's a girl. Sunova gun. Well, that's going to need to be dismissed. Oh well. Continuing... When the auctioneer recognized as him the buyer, he looked down at Jack in astonishment and amusement. - "When the auctioneer recognized him as the buyer," minor typo error. He sat down heavily, rubbed a hand down his face, then said, - Remove the first he in place of "Josh's dad." That way we have a definitive 'him' to work with. Well, I sure do feel stupid and like an @$$hole after realizing that Jack's a girl. I'm too used to 'Jack and Jill.' I would expect a more gender neutral name like 'Sandy.' Still when there's areas of having enormous groups of people, specificity is key. It's easier to revert back to pronouns when there's 1-3 characters in the story at the time. Hope I wasn't too harsh on ya'. Later Keila.

I remember liking the first story very much. The second part is equally enjoyable. And you leave the readers wanting to know what happens next as a result of jack’s choice and joshes’ disappointment. In the fist paragraph there is an extra period after hadn’t - in the sixth paragraph “when the auctioneer recognized as him the buyer” should be him as. Two things you would have noticed eventually. Can’t wait for the next part.