Your Old Self

A few days ago, while I was just aimlessly scrolling through my timeline on Facebook; I came across a meme and it said:

“The truth is…. You never return to being who you remember, before life was turned upside down.

But you can embrace, who you are meant to become in the turn around.”

– Madame K Poetess

When I read that, I reread it a few times and thought to myself how hard I was trying to rebecome my past self. How I remembered myself then and to heal into that person today; and, it really hit me that I will never be my past self again. Though I know this is the process of life and how I want to live it; I will admit it was also an emotional quote to read for that exact reason. Though everything I went through has giving me my will, my strength, and the courage I have today; it hurts that my past self-missed so much because of what she went through.

I used to be happy, carefree with a lot that I did and said, I never had sleeping issues or any traumas. But how this quote resonated with me with me and brought me back to a decade ago where my life really did turn upside down, right into a rabbit hole that I at times still feel like I’m in. Trauma is always a rabbit hole; a whole of what can be darkness, sadness, tears, shame even. I had been used, abused in every form but treaded on; and as I treaded on and wanted better for a future me I had wanted my old self to come along on a journey that I now understand cannot be about “upgrading” the old you….

You just simply must embrace the you that is now meant to be…

After reading that quote I have been just sitting with it on my mind and finally decided I was going to write about it. My journey to getting to where I am now has been, to say the least, hard. The amount of self-evolving that has taken place, and still is, was like night and day. Mistakes after more mistakes, failures after failure and of course a lot of heartbreak. I am by no means perfect, and no one is ever going to be perfect; but I can confidently say I am not the old me and I love the me I am becoming. I hated all I went through to get here and to continue doing the work; but I love that I made it through it all. If I had gotten my old self back then it would have been a version of me that never grew from tragedy, someone who would have never grown from loss or wisdom, nor would I have been someone who would have regained faith in what is sightless but so prominent in my life.

I had realized I was torturing myself to regain someone that had already been so lost beyond her years. Someone who needed to grow into who I am today the way that I did. At the end of the day, in all of my trials and tribulations, if I was brought to a situation I knew that regardless of how hard it was going to be I knew I was going to get through it.

I have learned that wanting to be who I was before my life turned upside down was detrimental to who the universe knew I am supposed to be. Learning to accept it and accept that there will always be continuous growth is hard, but at least now with acceptance of my journey and where I am meant to go, treading has becoming easier.

Wanting a past will keep you in the past. The past can be dangerous and continue to have your heart relive hurt that you are meant to grow from and not meant to stay stuck in. The past is there for a reason and your past self is meant to just stay your past self. Do not be afraid to embrace your authentic self. If you feel like you are being guided then go with that push and don’t look back; keep looking forward to who you envision and know yourself to be.