"But I thought"

It has been a crazy, wild ride for me since June of 2019. I started school again, while working residential full time, being there for my family when need be, and still trying to balance out some sort of a life. But then we all got hit with this pandemic in 2020 and it was double the crazy and double to the wild, to say the least; and to be honest I thought I had it all in 2020.

I had just had; I want to say my 3rd Friendsgiving with some family and friends and I was home alone. I woke up to a text from someone I didn’t want to hear from, and why I didn’t stick to my thought, no idea but I wish I had. Though I thought I knew best, I was wrong again and though I was, this past relationship taught me to always just trust my gut instinct and to not doubt it. Ya’ll probably asking ‘well why this one’, this is the one that taught me that because I truly thought that he could never hide who he was; when indeed he had.

It was a year of ups and downs, and like every couple we would get into fights and disagreements, but conversation of the problems faded and slowly every table would be turned on me making me feel I was the problem when I wanted to talk about what was bothering me. To be honest, I could’ve left a few times just for feeling disrespected; but he knew what to do and what to say and especially how to do it and how to say it. I think back and it’s scary to me to be real.

As anyone knows me knows I have opinions, I have a temper and I’m passionate about things; as we all are. Sometimes when all three are meshed it doesn’t always come out the best way; but damn say something; but I was blind-sided even when I asked if we were good and the answer was yes stop over thinking. I still think about everything that was said to me and am still shocked to be quite frank because all I ever did was hold him up when he was at his lowest but when I needed to be held up he didn’t want to deal.

So this was March, fast forward to three weeks later….. a friend states she sees him on a dating app. I was like wow damn lol usually I’m the one on the apps and I was like wow and everything came rushing back.

But I thought he said he loved me

But I thought he said he wanted to get married and have kids

But I thought he said he would never leave me

But I thought he said we’d grow old together

It all came rushing back….. sad thing is Is that he’s painted a narrative to my name, and had blocked me so quickly on all platforms… almost like he was just waiting. I then realized that I was so manipulated. I only ever hated one other person in my life… maybe two…. But in that present moment he took the cake. Because then I realized he did what the others had done but would use his issues to gas light me.

Its crazy how I have seen his photos and how he puts on such a façade but can never take accountability for anything and yet commands others but doesn’t take action in himself.

But I thought he said he was different

But I thought he said he cared

But I thought he said I was his everything

But I thought

Now I know words have no meaning without consistent action

Because who I thought he was

He was not