What Your "10" Says About You

Several years ago when I was in college still trying to figure myself out, I found myself in Oral Communications class. It was one of my top 5 classes I had taken, and it's whole objective was to show us not the effects of communicating but what was being communicated.

See if you look into it there's 5 types of communication.

Verbal Communication. Verbal communication occurs when we engage in speaking with others. Non-Verbal Communication. What we do while we speak often says more than the actual words. Written Communication. How we write especially through email, text, social media etc. Listening. How we listen to others when we speak and what we are taking away. Visual Communication. What are we absorbing on a visual level through advertisements, which can tie into social media etc.

"Alright class here's your next assignment! You need to go home and I want you to ask someone who knows you to make a list of 10 things about you. This needs to be from 3 different people in 3 different lights. One has to be someone close, one has to be an acquaintance, and one has to be a professional reference."

An honest list. To me that was terrifying, because I had just turned 18 years old and I cared about what EVERYONE thought of me. 2012 was the age of when Instagram was hitting a peak, and even scrolling back through old posts, that nostalgia of emo kids and concerts every weekend brought back some good memories.

Needless to say- I didn't want to do this. Or finding someone to do this rather was slightly terrifying. I went home and thought long and hard about it, and the first person I thought of was Jake. Now I have written about Jake plenty of times here on Vocal. He and I had this very old school way of meeting in a grocery store and he was my very first love in life. That real love where you can't sleep and your thoughts are consumed by them. Puppy love. Dancing in the rain, riding around in his jeep, kind of comfort.

Jake and I talked on and off for years, and eventually we were those old souls that parted ways. We lived separate lives but we would find each other throughout the years before he passed 2 years ago. So back in 2013 when we were together- I remember asking him to fix some parts on my 1994 Ford Taurus. It was dark green and kind of beat up, but it was my car. Problem was, the plastic covers that protected the headlight lightbulbs tended to leak water. So when it rained my lightbulbs would fry out and I would have Jake regularly replace them.

He came over after work one day, and I remember shifting around uncomfortably in Auto Zone with him. I knew I was out of place, but I loved spending time with him. It was so nice feeling cared for, because he was an acts of service kind of guy. He wasn't vocal, but if you needed things done- he was your guy. We would always shoot the shit, and after buying the lightbulbs we went back to his apartment. He had his Jeep Wrangler parked next to my car.

The neon lights on the floor boards glowed with green hue, and tools scattered everywhere. I grabbed his hat and threw it on like the tomboy I was, and popped a piece of Wintermint gum from Orbit in my mouth and obnoxiously popped really loud bubbles. He smiled that goofy smile he always had on him and then got to work.

"You really need to get these covers replaced on here, isn't this like the 3rd set of bulbs I have put on here for you?" He asked jokingly.

"Yeah," I paused because it was that silence of knowing we were both scraping by in our own lives but we were just trying to make things work. No matter what it was, if it stuck it was a good day. "Look I have a favor to ask you."

He shimmied out from under the car, his white tee shirt covered in dirt and oil from the parking lot. "Light bulbs aren't enough?" He proceeded to crack out this goofy laugh.

"Stop it!" I smiled he always was so damn goofy. "I'm serious!"

"I'm Serious." He mimicked back, "Okay what is it you ever need Kayla Lindley, the neediest woman I know?"

I didn't need him I just wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to spend my life with him, I just sort of didn't know where it was all heading at the time but I felt myself lost in the world, like nothing mattered when I was spending time with him.

"Look- my professor at college, she needs me to have people help me with an assignment."

He shot me a glance, "And you think I qualify for a college educated assignment?" Jake never went to college, at this point his idea was to go into the Marine Corps but it was always like shooting out ideas or dreams. College just never seemed to be on the table for him.

"Look it's simple. I need you just to text me a list of 10 things that come to mind when you think of me."

He got quiet. "That's it. Just 10 things?"

After that encounter I didn't hear from him for almost 3 days. Like ghost mode. It wasn't uncommon but I had to turn in my assignment that Monday so I started getting worried. I didn't want to keep bothering him- but I was actually worried about what he thought of me or what he was going to write because I actually cared about his opinion A LOT. And eventually that text finally did come.

It wasn't long and drawn out but it was impactful.

Good Attitude, Energetic, Smart Ideas, Great Listener, You keep things simple, Too trustworthy, Practice what you preach, Be more confident, You joke too much, You need to fight for what you love.

That last one hit me like a ton of bricks then, and it still does now looking at that list. He saw me for who I was, and I cried. It was beautiful to see where his head was at. I think we evolve and change as a person over time due to life circumstances, and things that mold and shape us. But that last one never went away.

I always feel like I'm fighting against the world, or fighting for injustices, things that are wrong etc. I am always saying it like it is, and my blunt personality doesn't allow me to hold back. I will call you out if you are acting like a piece of shit to someone, or I will tell you when I need to gain something.

I have always had this glass half full kind of attitude because after having been in foster care I always saw the darker side of the world. So I made it a point to remind myself what to be grateful for. We used to talk about all the dreams I had and the goals I wanted to accomplish, and I felt like I stored every conversation we had in my head and replayed them at random moments in our lives.

The more I looked on this list today I realized how trusting people blindly hurt me. I got taken advantage of quite a bit. I had to reshape who I would and wouldn't give energy to- and over the years it's been a process but it's forced me to recognize I was desperately craving love so badly and kindness that I would just give my heart to all the wrong people and things and it only hurt me more. It made me make decisions that compromised my moral compass and beliefs as a person.

I am starting to practice what I preach, but that's like now. As in 2023 I have been starting to implement the advice I have given clients of mine who message me. It's so easy to dish advice but to take it and apply it is a very different story. Saying something is different than actually doing it. So I have been really heavily focused on self care and identifying who I am as a person, what are my core beliefs, and setting a foundational pace. I'm working out, I'm working on creative writing much more here on Vocal. I am in nature, and I spend a lot of time with my dog! But the biggest thing is my gratitude journal. I am really applying a lot of energy into being present in life- because tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.

I really got serious and I stopped joking around so much. I just started really applying what I was saying to my life. Especially around my mental health. It's just now the fight of what I was fighting for then has taken on many forms throughout the years. Now my fight is simple stay alive and be here for my kids. Fight for the right to healthy relationships, fight for financial stability. Fight for real friendships and healthy conversations that are meaningful. Fight for inner peace and fighting for me. Just advocating for myself in general.

I realize and can acknowledge, I put everyone else before me my entire life that as an adult I really lacked the coping skills to be able to handle stressors in life when they would come. So I have had to take an active approach and work on myself now. Because truthfully, I don't want to repeat the same mistakes and repeat the same things to my children. I want them to be a better version of me.

I had no plans of even writing this out today, but I happened to be looking for an old photo to use for another story I was writing here on Vocal when I came across a post I made about that list. It brought tears to my eyes because not only do I miss him but I saw that list and saw I still deeply resonated with that part of my past.

Even though I'm no longer in college presently, today I felt like reaching out to some people I hadn't talked to in awhile and I asked the same thing I did to Jake. It was random I'm sure, but I again was thrown off when I saw some of the responses.

My sister, "Dysfunctional! LFSOAISODHAOAO BUT YOUR NOT IT- JUST CAME TO MIND BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY LMFAO" I died laughing reading it. It's kind of true though. We grew up in disfunction and regularly her and I talk about the revelations we are having through therapy or just through our own healing journey. She then sent this.

Witchy, Impulsive, Creative, Unique, Powers, Strong, Safe, Family, Hardworking, Unheard.

Gut punch. Unheard. Yep. I feel VERY unheard regularly in my life. People have used my mental health as an excuse to not have other adults take accountability in their lives for the actions that they have caused in mine. It's actually one of the number one issues I speak up about with my therapist is feeling lonely and unheard. People would use my mental health as a weapon to gas light me instead of helping me get help. Or would constantly tell me that because I wasn't of a certain faith that I didn't deserve the same rights as others. Or I created those problems for myself.

The next list came.

Woman, Friend, Corgi, Bootcamp, California, Sexual, Spiritual, Reader, Nerd, Funny.

Sexuality hit me funny on the list because I used to be very over the top. Now I pulled that part of me in. Not because I had to, but because I felt emotionally I couldn't just be like that with anyone so I chose to really save that part of myself for when the right person came along after I had really worked on healing and finding myself again. It doesn't mean I don't crave it, it just means it's not a priority for me right now. I don't want a future relationship to only survive on sex. I want a relationship based in friendship and real connection.

Ambitious, Hyper Focused, Random, Goofy, Homemaker, Dreamer, Mother, Loving, Friend, Healing.

Resilience, Kindness, Heart, Spirit, Family, Perseverance, Tarot, Travel, Warmth, and I'm stuck on the tenth!

The more lists that started coming back, the more I became surprised of what people thought of me as. I tend to get in my head, and often times I like to throw everyone into a category by saying "no one likes me" when I am having manic moment, or I am feeling let down. I have to identify what's triggering me. What's the source? Was on social media too long- because I found myself deeply comparing myself to the rest of the world. No one is the same, we are meant to be unique. We have a voice and it's meant to be different. Not everyone is going to love you 100% of the time.

But getting the lists and having people play along was actually eye opening. Because while I had been down on myself today, I sort of realized how I am loved and people do respect me. Those things I want in external validation, I was realizing though that it had to come from within. Meaning I have to love myself first before others can love me. I kept hearing that in the books I have been listening to on Audible.

Giving, Ambitious, Go Getter, Independent, Opinionated, Blunt, Kind, Sensitive, Good Mom, Creative.

Passionate, Motivated, Caring, Empathetic, Bold, Loving, Generous, Resilient, and Courageous

Good Friend, Kind Stranger, Non Judge Mental, Easy to talk to, Trustworthy, Funny, Good Ideas, Smart, and Independent.

Deer, Wifey Material, Friend, Partner, Mother, Independent, Hardheaded, Curious, Spirit, Loving

As much as my internal dialogue with myself is a work in progress, it's sort of refreshing that the entire world doesn't actually "hate" me. Rather it's a temporary moment that I am recognizing that I have to learn how to process.

I also found it super interesting how no one repeated their answers. They were all super unique and different. I noticed how much thought was put into them, and it was interesting to see how people reflected back on me. My opinion of myself was vastly different than what others saw of me. It was a great reflective exercise to remind me to work on the internal dialogue.

And then someone who's opinion I worry about the most whether he realizes it or not was my mentor. I have known him since I was 13 and we have kept in contact over the years. I look up and admire him so much, but I realize I have had my failures. Life has not really been kind to me even from the beginning of it, and somehow he stayed.

He knew coming to Washington, I was going to get mental health help and treatment, and honestly I don't know why but I worried that he would've somehow thought less of me. I had just bought a house, and had all these good things going for me, but I was internally beyond burnt out. So when he sent his list, I was worried he would've been very critical. Remember I had sent this to about 10 people 3 being family, 3 being friends, 3 being mentors or work associates.

Mother, Sister, Kind, Giver, Friend, Caring, Tired, Stressed, Working On Herself, Survivor.

Survivor. That last one hit hard. Why is it always #10 that seems to hit me on a soul level. I have been working through being a victim and pushing through to survivor. Going through therapy- I realized I never actually made the flip. I was living and walking with the victim mentality and label. It doesn't mean what I went through wasn't serious or valid- it just means I recognize as an adult I have to push through so I can live a healthy and productive life. To be better for my kids, and to be kinder to my inner child.

Life already has enough hardships on it's own, it's about working through the past to be able to meet in the middle and project in the future. Imagine this, you have a hallway of doors open going behind you and then in front of you. Now imagine you have a suitcase chained to you but it's super heavy. You're still walking through the doors in front, but you also leave all the other doors behind you open. You try to shut them, but the chain is still attached to the suitcase preventing closure.

It's exhausting trying to pull the suitcase with you while simultaneously trying keep moving forward. The weight of the baggage is so heavy, at some point you collapse with exhaustion. That's what happened with me. I collapsed. I couldn't handle it, and I actively sought help in order to make it to where I could thrive. The problem was I was worried about what others thought of me.

I think the biggest take away of doing this exercise was seeing that I am loved and I am deserving of love. People saw me as being a good mom, which often times we don't get told enough. Or sometimes we refuse to believe it. So it kind of made me put into perspective of how much I do as a mother, and that it reinforced this concept of taking care of myself knowing I was doing the right thing for them by taking care of myself and not feeling guilty.

The second thing was working on these connections. I realize I am not a good listener. I want to be, but I am not. My brain means well, but I realized so many others know a ton about me, and I don't know enough about them. I need to learn through others, because listening is a huge skill that highly successful people have mastered and obtained. You ever notice how when someone's presence fills a room, it's not the person who's talking a mile a minute it's rather the one who's silently observing their surroundings.

When I was in the military I had a Petty Officer that gave me advice one time, Don't immediately trust the one who greets you first. Often time that's the person who is going to get you into trouble. Just observe. You know what? After that moment, I realized they weren't wrong. I was just super kind and wanted to be friends with everyone, and I often found my self in situations that were harmful to myself or others because I blindly wanted to see the good in the world.

Finally again that "inner dialogue thing". I know I have said it several times in this piece. But I really reflected on the need to focus on not blowing things out of preportion. I sent that same question to multiple people, and I found myself sort of getting pissed off at certain people who wouldn't respond. Was the silence an indication they didn't care? Did they not think I was stupid for sending that? Why couldn't they send something back?

Here's the deal, I have always put others before me. All the time. It's no question. If they needed something I would drop everything to be there for them, but the level of urgency I have noticed is not the same, and it's not reciprocated. Why? Because the reality is no matter how hard you try, you are not always going to get the same level of energy exchanged. It's impossible to constantly meet people if you are always the one stepping out and putting in the work. They have to work on their own inner dialogues too with their own concerns and issues. So this exercise sort of made me evaluate friendships that make me question my value as a person.

I need people in my corner who are cheerleaders and support/encourage me in all the high moments and the low moments. So this made me realize in a healthy way of who to leave behind or consider who may need space. Who cannot come on my journey. Sometimes we really love the idea of someone because what they are capable of and not what they are presenting to us presently. It doesn't mean that they don't care, it just means that the timing always isn't ideal.

My experience will not be the same as you. That's why I encourage you to take this challenge that I did and see what words come up that maybe you weren't expecting. And if you are seeking out counseling, my advice would be to save the lists and bring them into a session and maybe go over them with your provider and see if they can be tools for areas you want to work on. I know I am.

Whether you're a teacher, a counselor, an average Joe, Bob The Builder, or Luke Skywalker anyone can do the challenge I just wrote about! Ask your friends and family with the prompt:

Hey I'm in the process of doing a creative writing prompt, and was wondering if you could help me out? Good or bad give me the first 10 things that automatically come to mind when you think of me!

That's it! Just wait and see what's said- and if you want to share your story below let me know what your friends and family felt like your 10 was! What was your biggest take away? You might be genuinely surprised like I was!

For more insight on content like this, or you love short stories please consider subscribing to my page! Leave a like, and let me know what you loved or didn't love- feed back is really important to help me grow!

-Kayla