Dear B,

Dear B,

There's several ways I could honestly approach this letter, because there is so much left unspoken between us. I know this isn't probably the most ideal way to reach out but I'm hoping some day this finds you. While you may have been just my dentist doing his job, at the same time I looked at you as someone who genuinely gave me hope when I was in some of my lowest moments.

I hope you understand how valuable that made me feel as a person. For the first time in my life when I was around you I felt alive, I felt seen, and heard. You made me feel like I mattered and that I was worthy of being treated that way, I often times just didn't see it. But more importantly I felt happy. I felt like the world didn't exist when I was with you- like my problems just melted away. I felt like someone invested in me and was concerned about my and my kids well being.

I wrote a cool story about you, and it's one of my most viewed stories as embarrassing as it is to admit.

I even finally did what I always said I wanted to do, I moved to Washington! I hike all the time now, and wear flannel. We are finally living that simple life I always told you I wanted with the kids. It's not a house with a white picket fence, but I live near the ocean, and my kiddo can see whales! It's so amazing.

But there's also times where I'm alone and walk in the trails, and my mind sort of falls back in time. I think about you, and sometimes I wonder what you are up to. What are your struggles, what are your stressors? It makes me sad. It actually invokes a kind of sadness that I have truly only felt a couple of times in my life. It's a type of hurt where I lost someone, like a physical death and equally every time it's happened it's painful.

I guess I have tried to move on, because it has been so long. However I don't think you realize the impact I have had to work through because of all of this. Because you lead me on and made me feel like I did, I worked with a therapist and I need to say I'm hurt and broken. I feel like you got to walk away scott free, while I was left with all the pieces trying to gather my worth. Like why?

I just don't understand. You didn't have the balls to just be straight forward with me. Why couldn't you have just told me no? Why did you have to lead me on that entire time knowing I had feelings for you to just up and ghost. You were a coward. My therapist wanted me to complain to the VA and not let you see patients because of all of this. She wanted to report you to the medical board in your state, but I said no.

I could've completely ruined your career, and I said no. Why? Because two wrongs don't make a right. I need you to see in these lines how badly you made me question my self worth. How many nights I cried, and grieved a loss of a friendship, of someone I genuinely fucking cared about. It made me realize because of what you did, I don't think you ever cared.

Was I just a muse? Did I boost your confidence and tell you what wasn't being said? I don't know why you kept me around. But I pray to God you never lead someone else on like you did to me again. My therapist told me you are just as guilty in all of this. I'm no perfect person, but I know when to admit my faults. But I hate that you took advantage of me, full well knowing I was vulnerable.

You knew I was struggling, and instead of encouraging me to get mental health help, or send me to appropriate resources in life, you still kept pushing this along. Pushing and pushing until one day you exploded. You had enough, and then instead of being a man- you just dipped. You didn't have to clean up the mess, you just left me to do the work and man was it painful.

I'll admit, I should've left. I should've done so many things, but at least I know where to openly speak it. You may have done amazing things for our country and you might be a stellar dentist, but B you are a shitty friend. There's so many times where I want to reach out, and I stop myself. There's so many times where I want to tell you all the amazing things that are on the upswing in my life, and I can't. Because I have learned that this is the normal you want, and I respect it.

I have to accept I'm never probably going to get an apology. I won't ever get that closure that I desperately want, so I am having to create it here on my terms in this place. There's just so many unknowns, and slowly the pain is numbing- but through it all I think deep down somewhere you are hurting over it too. I wonder what you felt and were thinking when you cut me off. I wonder if you questioned if you made the right decision. Was it an impulsive moment? I wonder about your goofy dogs, and sometimes I even wonder how you are on a personal level.

Do I honestly ever come across your mind?

I could always tell when something was off or wrong. I could tell when you were having a rough day, and I wonder if you are taking care of your mental health too. I want to move on in my life. I want to find love and I want to find someone who made me feel the same way you did. That blissful moment of finding someone who looked at me- past the front I would put up, but the raw person who knew me through and through.

So for that, I appreciate you showing me what I deserved in a relationship. What it was like and that I was capable of falling for someone. Thanks for reminding me of what it's like to be in the world, besides hiding behind the walls of my home.

I'm numb, and I'm still hurting. But if there's one thing I could genuinely say to you is this. I hope you genuinely never get hurt like you hurt me. Because if you remotely got close to feeling the way I felt, I don't know if you could handle it.

-Kayla