I Walked Out On My Job

Please hear me out, I did put in a two week notice to be respectful but it wasn't enough for the tsunami wave that came crashing down in the blink of an eye.

Truthfully I don't feel like people care about veterans anymore. They say they do, and we have two whole holidays dedicated to them- one for the living and one for the dead. On one of those days there's a list of restaraunts that comes out and gives a free meal to those who have served and then when honoring the dead it's typically all the stores giving discounts on furniture and cars. However outside of those notions, it doesn't seem like it matters anymore. People have forgotten the reason for those days, and they think they are about spending time with loved ones and kicking back with a cold one with some brats. But in reality there are many who are mourning losses of ones they served with and love.

I noticed with the older generations, when talking to other veterans at the VA it was a much different time back in the day when actual wars were happening, now it seems like a much different military. Even comparing experiences and differences with other prior service veterans, it seems like people are under the mentality of "so what". Why did what experience you had matter to what's happening now, and why should I care.

I'm going to be honest I haven't been the same since leaving the military. No one genuinely talks about the transition after the military back into civilian society, and it's sort of scary how quiet it is. We are all silently dealing with struggling to fit in, to feel like we matter in a world where we once did. We are struggling with mental health problems, that I don't think even begin to equate to a normal person. We are struggling to have people understand in general our mentality. Like nothing compares or makes sense.

I asked my dentist one time, how do you cope with transitioning after the military, and he bluntly told me that he hadn't dealt with it. That he himself is trying to figure out who he is after everything. Like we go through super traumatic and high stress pace of the world being on fire, and then we leave and it's nothing. We lack the ability to get close to people, and keep solid relationships. (Granted this is not every one, but there's a lot.) We just don't talk about it because we get the well you should've expected this talk, but until your out, there's not a counseling session that I think could've prepared this for me.

The military makes you go through a transition course of how to be successful out the military in the hopes of preparing you to not fail. It's a road map, and while I found benefits on the logistical side there's still a lot that threw me off. Due to the high rises in veteran homelessness over the years, the government created a program called TAPS. It's a 1 week course that goes over your rights as a veteran and what to expect. How to search for a job, creating a resume, how to apply for benefits etc. It was a lot to unpack in a short amount of time.

But what they failed to tell me is how much my personal life would've directly been impacted.

I knew getting out of the military was the right decision for me. I was a mother, and I found as my kids were getting older, it was harder and harder for me to stay in as a single parent. What I found was eventually I was going to become a burden to the Navy because I wasn't going to be able to be as present as I needed to be. They were constantly sick or needing to see specialists, because later we received diagnosis for both of my children having autism. I just knew staying in wasn't the right call. I needed to get out and focus my time on making sure the boys would get the best care possible. I did all the things they asked me to, and still the technical side did not compare for what was to come.

For starters, finding housing was the first problem. My ex husband and I had rented for the entirety of my military career, and we knew our credit scores were horrible. So no one would approve us for a home loan, so I knew that I had to find an apartment, something temporary that we could just get in to in order to not be homeless. I asked for family help, and they all encouraged us heavily to move back Saint Louis, so they could be around my kids. But once I finally made it back, they saw the kids one time, and literally never saw them again after that. Not everyone has family to come home to. Often times what we leave behind to join is the reasons we don't go back home. People think we have a parade of people supporting you- but I was not that person, no one cared about us. None of them came to see me when my children were born, or ever made us a priority and to this day they never have.

On top of that, the housing situation most places will not rent to you unless you view the unit in person. They will not hold a unit for you even with money upfront because it's against their bi-laws. So I had to beg for permission from the CO of my chain of command to leave early. Also applying for jobs transitioning out, I didn't have an ETA of when I was going to leave the military, so I had to literally put a tentative start date on EVERYTHING. So it made it impossible to land an employer.

Speaking of employers, that leads to my second problem. Jobs. Because I was in the medical field as a Hospital Corpsman, there's a lot of red tape that was cut. I could do everything almost that a nurse or medical assistant could do in the civilian world that I could not do as a civilian. My certificate as a Hospital Corpsman does not work or translate to normal jobs in the civilian sector unless I would go back to school and get an individual certificate for everything I had done for 5 years straight. So in other words I was unemployable despite all this work experience.

I applied to every hospital and urgent care in a 30 mile radius and no one would hire me without me going back to school to get a degree. It didn't matter about experience- because that's the one thing that's constantly preached is everyone will hire you because you were in the military. But clearly that's a huge lie. I applied to over 40 positions in the Saint Louis metro area, and only 10 got back to me, I interviewed with 2 and was looked over because I didn't have a degree that translated to 5 years of medical experience.

When I finally did get hired, the pay didn't equate because we finally had to get health insurance for the first time in 5 years, we didn't qualify for medicaid, and all these resources that seemingly they gave us- were only for people who were worse off than us. So we were in a literal bind. My ex husband had to move with me to Saint Louis, because once we realized that I wouldn't be able to afford child care of $1200 a month, we were in deeper waters than I had ever experienced. What's even worse, is that the boys were really little when this all happened. So the daycares wanted updated immunization records, so we had to wait a full 60 days of employment before health insurance kicked in so they could finally see a doctor.

So the pressure was kicked into over drive. I had to work 2 jobs while my ex stayed home and cared for my children. I also had delays in medical care at the VA so I ran out of mental health medications and was simultaneously detoxing from them cold turkey. It was just a really shitty experience to say the least, however this is where the work place comes in. I have talked alot about my own personal getting out experience. Granted, each veteran will vary, but the overall conclusion is that it's a broken system which will continue to stay broken due to political agendas from our government.

I recently went back to work after several years on being on VA disability. My percentage is at a place where if I didn't work I would've been fine, and it was for a very long time. I am grateful for that so please don't think I am being whiny and ungrateful. Reason being, the economy inflated so damn bad that at one point last year alone was $20 a pound for ground beef at stores like Aldi's. Not even high end, just low end grocery stores made it even impossible to feed my two kids and I. We were averaging almost $700 a month in groceries and basic essentials. I even saw a financial specialist and he did the math, and was like damn- I can't help you.

We applied for food stamp benefits, SSI etc. And they all said the same thing- you bring in too much money. But like HOW? I barely was keeping the lights on, and my mental health was tanking daily because I was single handedly raising two boys with autism. So what does one do? I go back to work. I applied for medical offices specifically because even though I didn't have a medical assistant certificate, I needed something that would pay the bills and help supplement so we could finally be above water.

I finally got the call back and was hired for a position at the local hospital in my area in Orthopedics and I was promised to work with trauma which is something I was highly okay with being my back ground in the military- face paced was normal. But the truth was even with no certificate I was told even by my immediate supervisor that I was overly qualified, and I knew this going into it.

Granted my first day I tried to just be quiet and keep my head down and just learn. However eventually my leadership side came out, and she's a hell raiser. I would ask questions and I mean ALL the questions. Immediately I knew there was problems on somethings, but I still had learning to do. I started seeing civilian medicine being so different from military and I felt sort of helpless, like how could they give me all this life experience, but not let it translate to after military life so I could actually provide and care for my family. Because the reality is I couldn't. It got so bad, that if I was to pay childcare on top of everything else I still would've been flat broke.

So I had to unfortunately send my kids with their dad until the end of the school year, so I could get bills caught up here so we could stay afloat. So I have this all in the back of my mind. I'm missing my kids deeply as hard as it has been, I am in deep financial burdens because of this, I'm lacking mental health meds because the VA refused to re prescribe my ADHD meds because they were stolen in the mail, and some how I still have to go to work and wear a mask all in the name of customer service.

First off, what they don't tell you is how your whole mission is to appease to people and be completely fake. I'm talking provide this fake sugar coated red candy apple type of sugar high, and it's toxic. All these kids (because that's what they were 21 fresh out of college on salary and had benefits) treated me less and put me down regularly even though I had literally all this life experience, that "made them better than me". And my immediate super visor would constantly correct me to the point where it felt like she would belittle me. I know she worked there longer than I had, but I couldn't handle a young kid like that talking down on me. Like the age gap was a huge issue in general.

Second, I would offer suggestions and opinions on process of improvement and it was always immediately shutdown. Like instantly shut down. I had concerns over HIPAA and how charts were handled, because they had two clinics that they would run, and whoever was in charge of working at this satelite site, would have to physically make charts the night before and then bring them to the 2nd location. This meant they were taking the charts home with them or leaving them in their car where the homeless people or someone could potentially break in and steal all these patient information. Like medical record numbers, doctor, birthday, their full name, appointment time, etc.

The process of how they handled patient security when it came to medical documentation was alarming, but I was regularly told to just learn my job. BUT THIS WAS MY JOB even before coming here. I had to lead trainings on all types of medical trainings, and HIPAA was actually a training I lead to the entire chain of command in Port Hueneme when I was in the Navy. What's worse is I am currently in school for Medical Billing and Coding. And I am learning even more in depth stuff on insurance and HIPAA. So we are talked down on for not having experience in civilian world, we are talked down to because we don't have certificates to back things up. It's a loose loose situation.

Third, you have such a difficult time associating with civilians. Military is full of dark humor, and coping with energy drinks and nicotine. It was just the name of the game, and all I could do was associate my job to something I did in the Navy for it to equate or make sense. They seemed regularly like they wanted someone who could be molded who had no jaded experience for the sake of keeping their mission at the hospital afloat. They would regularly isolate me.

If I would start talking to them or assert myself in any given conversation they would immediately shut down what they were doing. They wouldn't really approach me at all for any given reason. I really struggle with making friends, so it took a ton for me to even ask these people to come out with me to do something for my birthday with me, and they all made some BS excuse to not come, but they would regularly meet up outside of work and hang out. I was the weird one that no one liked, and it showed.

I was told regularly to not go to my supervisor, but no one in that area wanted to train me. My immediate person who was a lead literally would train everyone, but when it came to me it had to be my boss. No one wanted to associate with me. When it came to opening the clinic or teaching me how to use their phone system it was always my boss. No one wanted to help, and it made me defeated severely going into work. I asked too many questions, I didn't play into their drama, and I was a triple threat and they all knew it.

I was amazing at communicating with patients. I could literally ask them how their day was, and it was really cool talking with veterans. Sometimes those patients were the only ones who got it. There's a silent commradary about vets, because we all had this similar experience. So you respected each other, and that's the only time I felt like what I did mattered. And then when I got a compliment from a patient I would be immediately met with that I was not focusing enough on my job and that I was talking too much. So it irritated the living shit out of me. I would make sure their VA stuff was done correctly. I just felt this drive that I needed to help a broken system in general, and it seemed like I was maybe just in the wrong place.

But my coworkers always had something negative to say, it was never positive and always told me we needed to do better. It was just draining. I would go into work, and patients would also be screaming on phones. I don't know what's happened but since COVID it seems like the level of entitlement and angry behavior that would walk through the door or call is absolutely mind blowing. At the end of the day I don't expect where I work to be my best friend, but it shouldn't be as toxic.

I finally was debating on how to go about talking to my boss, because genuinely I was daily racking up concerns but it seemed like people were inaccessible. I felt like no matter what I had to say or do- what I brought to the table no longer mattered. That immediate lead called me the day after I put in my two weeks notice at my job. She had no idea I had done it nor did anyone else in my department except for one person. The one person I actually respected and really liked a lot actually. They were closer in age to me, and had a lot of life experience, but it felt like we were keeping each other afloat some days. (And if you ever find this some day, like highly unlikely but if you do, thank you. My depression was so bad at some points and you literally lifted me up and made me feel normal, and I appreciated it more than you know)

But that lead called me from one of the satalite locations, and went off on me. For failure to document something, she wasn't in the wrong, but again I am working in a broken system. The day prior I failed to notify immediate staff of a fracture that had been called in. I was simultaneously trying to balance, answering phones, and deal with lines that were out the door at the front to check in a clinic that had 100+ patients and multiple call outs. So I wrote this memo on a sticky note to transfer over to the team on down time when it wasn't so crazy. So she called and went off, and I had just had enough.

I literally hung up with her, and quit on the spot. I was tired of being talked down to. I had literally just had enough. I was a veteran and was capable of being human as well. I have thoughts feelings and emotions, and I wasn't about to have another moment of this. I looked at my friend on the way out of handing in my badge, and I blankly said to them, today's the day and we both knew what it meant.

I wrote in Teams chat to them before I left that I was going to commit to school full time and focus on my mental health, but I knew doing it in that place was not going to work. I also was notified of some amazing opportunities to actually work for the VA once my degree was complete. I learned a lot from this experience, but I knew my heart is in it for the vets. It's not where I was sitting. I knew I wasn't going to ever advance, because I was working for that hospital for 5 months, and they never paid me to do the actual job I was hired for. They always kept saying we just don't have time to train you. Or you need to learn XYZ before we can. The truth is they never did.

So now I am focusing on my own healing journey and finding happiness in the little things. I am writing a lot more here on Vocal, I am starting therapy again next week which is great, and they hopefully are going to get my medication situation straightened out. I have the time in the day to go hiking, and go to Lake Padden which is one of my favorite spots to hike with my Corgi.

I'm actually in a good place now, and because I am going to school full time the VA is going to cover my classes, and send me a housing stipend so I can finally be home full time and just be there for my kids. I hope to make a lot of memories with them this summer, and take them camping etc.

If you are an employer reading this, here's my advice to you. I know it's unsolicited, but I am telling you it would make the world of a difference.

1) Respect when we say we have VA appointments. I literally needed so many things to get done, and I couldn't get in because I was constantly worried about loosing my job. We can give you notice, just understand therapy is such a critical thing needed for a lot of veterans.

2) Even if we don't have a direct civilian certificate see if there are incentives to hiring the veteran, and allow them to display the quality of work while going to get certified on a civilian level. It would have made so much of a difference when I was getting out if I knew there was an end game plan.

3) Regularly check in. I don't mean you have to be someone's best friend, but just check in on them and really get to know them. We just want to work hard, and be accepted. It's a lot to work with when getting out. I felt like I lost my sense of identity at one point, my ex husband was the same. It took him almost a full year to finally step up and get back in the work game because he was so depressed after leaving active duty.

4) When we suggest something, it isn't because we are being a dick. We have different experiences at working with different commands, everyone had their own structure, so it was like working for multiple companies. We always were striving towards saving the military money and being more efficient. Everyone has different life experiences and comes from different backgrounds, which allowed us to see things from different perspectives. We want to help and make this a good working environment for you and for us.

5) Please acknowledge Veterans Day. I'm not saying that I need all the praise, because there are greater vets who have done more for our country. Who have literally lost limbs, or who had fellow service members die. But, sometimes it was nice to actually hear someone say thanks. Because it was a huge chunk of my life, and I credit it to making me into the person I am today. But not one person last year at my job acknowledged it, they just all went about their day like it was another normal day. You don't have to throw an immaculate parade or something, but it's definitely a time of reflection for myself and others.

So that's my advice and that's my story. Again it will vary from person to person. But I just wanted to share it for the sake of people semi understanding why veterans are struggling in the work place more than you think. And, if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health here are resources you can use to help them. We are really good at keeping it together until it's not so good.

USA: 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673): Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network

USA: 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233): National Domestic Violence Hotline

USA Bulimia and Self-Help 24-hour Crisis Hotline Phone number: 1-314-588-1683

USA Self-Injury Help by S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends)Phone number: 1-800-DONT-CUT (1-800-366-8288)

National Eating Disorders Association (International treatment referrals and info) Phone number: 1-800-931-2237

-Kayla