To Be Alive: Introduction

Ever since I was a little child I've known what its like to be unwanted. I can take a deep look into someones eyes and see the pity and disgust they have for me. They say eyes are the windows to the soul, and for many years I've learned how to read their souls and intentions.

I've always seen how easily disposable humans can be to each other. And I've always seen how replaceable I am to others. I haven't lived very many years here on this planet and yet I've experience things that would make anyone's stomach curdle and knees buckle with complete agony. I hold the weight of the entire universe in my heart. My shoulders have already broken for the unbearable weight of it.

Ever since I was a child I've known how humans operate. How selfish, unwavering, and cold their eyes get when they dislike another. Ive always been an outsider looking in but sadly never invisible. I've always been the door mat a person needs to wipe their expensive Louis Vuittons on, a punching bag when someone wants to feel relieved and an abomination to myself that I have to punish. I could never understand the concept of any human enjoying the pleasure in pain but sometimes I feel like I understand it more than anyone because, pain is the only thing that stabilizes me and grounds me in the moment. Constant agony, all wrapped up in a tight ball and rusty nails deep within my heart.

Im just an innocent child, but for some reason I feel just as guilty as my predator. After a session that had been dealt to me, I would run through a thousand of scenarios of why I did this wrong, why I didn't do this, and the list goes on. I sit in my closet with the door closed and torture my mind with my fists because I should have done better. You know those midnight thoughts? Yeah those midnight thoughts aren't just midnight for me. My midnight thoughts run into 9:00 AM, 12:25 PM, and even when I go to sleep and dream. I always seen how mostly everyone has someone they can go to and confide in, but me? I only had myself and I guess that's what created the person that looks back at me and stares with a soul that's tortured and haunted. I didn't have those heart felt hugs and no one to tell me it was going to be alright, because I knew it wasn't going to be "Alright". I knew it wasn't going to be "Okay".

I was at the ripe age of 9 years old when I realized how little my existence meant, and that's when I held the most inviting, cold, and dull hand of my friend Depression. I was just 10 year old child when I realized I wasn't happy in this world. My friend lead me through hunger strikes against my own body, sleepless days at a time, and complete solitude in the darkest corners of the place I resided.

You see humans are funny creatures because just like other animals they run better in packs, and when you don't align with the pack, they will dispose of you. Humans have a habit of setting those invisible standards and when I fail them I pay dearly for it. But I have to get up the next day and the day after that to endure an episode on repeat. For the longest time on months with no end I cried until my tears ran dry, my eyes swollen, and my skin around my eyes rubbing raw inside the dark closet of mine. Tortured not only by others, but mostly tortured by myself. I was just a 13 year old child when I realized I wanted out of this life.

Im just an innocent child.