The Matter Of Love

Love.

It’s a rather complicated topic for me personally, given everything that has happened in my life.

But it doesn’t mean I want to close myself off from it or withhold it from those I care about.

Friends

I have a lot more experience with loving someone as a friend than anything else. And it can be just as frightening as loving someone romantically.

Putting yourself out there to meet potential friends is hard, especially when you’re an adult and schedules don’t often line up.

Or when they don’t live in the same time zone as you, which is a main struggle for me these days, as only two of my friends live in the same state as me.

But it’s worth it.

I often find it easier to talk to my friends about certain personal issues than with others. And I know they have my back when no one else does.

Family

While I don’t subscribe to your family having to be blood-related after everything that went down in my early years, I’m often jealous of those who have big families who genuinely care about each other.

Sure, I have family where I live, but I don’t really visit any of them. After coming home from foster care, my mom kept me away from them, as their lives and choices didn’t align with hers.

I also don’t have a grandfather at all or a grandmother who can actively be a part of my life for various reasons.

So, in many ways, my friends are my family.

Romantic Relationships

Yeah, I don’t have much personal experience with this one, as I’ve only loved two people romantically.

But I have learned you shouldn’t lose yourself in a romantic relationship. It happened to me during my first relationship, and my world practically shattered when we broke up.

How I Treat Those Relationships

Blood Family

As I said, I don’t interact with family members outside my mom and grandmother, so it’s often awkward.

And that’s just my mom’s side of my blood relatives.

I’ve only met three people from my father’s side: his sister and two of my half-siblings.

It’s not that I don’t love or care about them. But I don’t know them well, and how they live doesn’t align with how I want to live mine.

Step-Family

It’s not much different regarding my step-family. If anything, it’s worse since I have nothing in common with them outside my stepdad.

And although some of them make an effort to connect, it doesn’t feel all that genuine. Like they’re trying to appear nice to me for my stepdad when they don’t care whether or not I’m present.

Foster Family

I haven’t interacted with any of my former foster family members since early middle school, as I visited with them for several years after I came home.

And honestly, I haven’t missed their presence in my life all that much. It wasn’t like I really belonged anyway.

Friendships/Relationships

For a long time, I was alone and lonely. Almost none of the kids I went to public school with liked me. After all, I was the weirdo foster child in their judgmental eyes.

I mean, it probably didn’t help that I shut myself off from it all of my elementary school and most of my middle school years, but it was instinct.

Then, as I got older and made friends, I started living vicariously through them and sought their attention constantly to feel okay with myself.

I know that’s not a way to live, but I didn’t realize this until after my ex broke things off with me and told me how much pressure I put him under.

And my somewhat anxious attachment style is something I still struggle with. But I also have friends and a partner who don’t seem to mind it, or at least understand, which eases it.

Love Will Win

While I still have much work to do on myself, I am not going to let anything stand in my way of loving and being loved.

Including myself.

Because, in the end, having that crazy family I’ve always longed for is worth fighting for.

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