Who I Was, Who I Am, and Who I Will Be

Change.

We all change as we get older, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. 

But I think the changes I’ve undergone within the past few years have been for the better, even if they surfaced certain issues I must tackle.

Who I Was

I was many things before the pandemic hit, but one that pops out in my memory is emotionally unaware.

For a long time, I had no idea how I truly felt and hated it when tears finally erupted from whatever action or comment that broke the dam.

I couldn’t fathom many of the hardships my friends had faced despite the tragedies in my past.

Until my first relationship.

My ex-boyfriend brought out parts of me (both good and bad) that I hadn’t known existed. And it was eye-opening.

Despite the relationship only lasting a few months, followed by a grueling breakup, I’m glad those aspects of myself were brought forth.

Without him, it’s highly doubtful I would have ended up with my awesome, pain-in-the-ass partner now.

I also wouldn’t be as eager for change or as open to new friendships.

***

I was also someone who didn’t have many life goals that went past a year in advance for a long time.

I don’t know why, either. 

Maybe a part of me thought I didn’t deserve to think long-term anything. Maybe it was because my life was never normal. Or maybe it is because of my more B-type personality.

Whatever the reason, I guess I found no need to until recently. And while I’m still figuring out those goals, I finally feel like my life is heading somewhere.

Who I Am

I am someone who is in flux between the past and the future. 

Unable to be the girl with her head in the sand anymore. But also struggling to release the woman growing inside me, screaming to come out like a butterfly from its cocoon.

I’ve seen her before, during my two trips to see my partner. And I like her—a lot.

I have difficulty letting her out in my current situation, though. A mental and emotional wall is preventing me from doing so.

***

I feel this need building within me to leave the place I’ve lived all my life to be with my partner in a different state.

And I know it seems like a huge leap; I’m not for him but for me. I’m finally ready to live my life fully. Away from the places and people I’ve always known.

But I’m stuck in Washington State and will be for a few more months.

And all of this leaves me unhappy with my current situation.

Who I Will Be

Feeling her now, who I’m going to be parallels with who I was as a toddler: someone who isn’t afraid to express her thoughts and feelings, although hopefully with less screaming.

While I don’t know what the future holds in terms of my personal development, I have an instinct that I’m going to love the person I become.

Why the Conflict?

Simple: two potential outcomes are tearing at me from the inside.

One being me moving to where my partner is currently living and becoming the person I was meant to be. One being too afraid of rejection to leave.

Lately, I’ve been so afraid of being rejected by most of the people I love for being honest about how I feel and what I want that it often paralyzes me into omission.

Especially my parents.

I don’t want to feel this deep-seated fear anymore. But I don’t know how to overcome it.

I suppose I will have to if I want to be happy.

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