The Habits of Highly Dysfunctional People

Please laugh with me - my writing is much too serious sometimes - I'm going to roast myself and those around me. This is an entirely sarcastic fluff piece.

1. First make a list of all your problems, then make a list of the people you know. Then just connect the dots until you absolve yourself of responsibility.

2. Date someone with more red flags than you. Also, don't acknowledge your own red flags. Once again nothing is your fault. You have more red flags than an amusement park, but roam the world with impunity.

3. Listening to others too much. Sometimes getting everyone's opinion leaves no room for your own. This may actually be sound advice at times.

4. Go out of your way to avoid your mental health concerns and end up with a shopping addiction. Then spend all of his money while you are out of work. Its his fault for some reason anyway.

5. Watch ridiculous vloggers on social media who will make you think all of your problems are your boyfriends at 4 a.m. when you come home drunk. You said you'd be home at 10. Surely 4 a.m. is a good time to talk - and stop calling me Shirley.

6. Act like every event is a Shakespearian tragedy. Act like a victim and then blame others for your problems (are you noticing a pattern here?) This is a way of living in the past (we all do it, but make sure you make your boyfriend feels terrible about it).

7. Operate from a state of perpetual burnout. Instead of sharpening your saw, over commit to the point that you have a nervous breakdown - an attack of the nerves as they say in France.

8. Surround yourself with toxic people. You know who I mean - your frenemies. You're friends only when you are together, but its all trash talk behind your back. Don't let temporary people distract you from your long-term goals

9. Talk over people. Interrupt. You love the sound of your own voice, so just keep talking over people. No one has anything new to say anyways - put yourself first. Everyone's favorite topic of conversation is themselves.

10. Be consistently late. You know the friend - the one that will be late to their own funeral. I know the motto is better late than ugly, put you have to draw the line somewhere.

11. Avoid work at all costs. Write silly articles like this. Be busy 24/7 but not get anything done. Let your ADHD get in full gear and then you wander in place for hours. I have two speeds - balls to the wall and burnout.

12. Be reactive instead of proactive. Try addressing your life before things become a crisis - that actually works once in a while. But once again, blame your boss instead of your own bad habits. Nothing is your fault anyway - see number one.

13. Get angry with your friends but don't talk about it - have a drink, talk to everyone else, get wound up a bit, then start texting. If you have a boyfriend send texts like "are with your hoes?" when really he's just trying to get a good night of sleep.

14. Become with friends with an energy vampire that drives all your other friends away. Or become friends with a person who has fun radar - fundar as my friend calls it. Fundars ruin everything. My ex used to complain about the house not being clean enough. Well, thats because fun people don't clean and cleanliness is next to godliness went out a long time ago.

So make it a great day - or the day you deserve. Whichever works for you and thank you for reading!