The Faces Everywhere

As another strain of faces enter my eye sight, all I can think is, wow people really don't understand the meaning of, it's done and over, the jig IS up. A year ago I was living in an environment that I never have before in those circumstances, was it by choice? It would of been if I didn't see the face of my stalker and someone I never ever wanted to experience again and here's why. When the person I thought I knew asked me to live with him, to take some pressure that's not even my choice to carry off my shoulders and focus on my new career path. I was hesitant for obvious reasons, and didn't say yes because of the person I seen in him and the events that followed proved exactly why I didn't say yes.

This person I met in 2014 doesn't understand the word no, which is ironic if I ever care enough to tell the whole story on him, but the bottom line is hes a toxic person who invades every place I am able to find peace in a world that thrives off chaos, only because they have never had the chaos directed to them. The person I was there to hang out with, is someone I once liked and respected, then suddenly all respect is gone, that's all he had to start out with me, because trusting him has proved to be a bad choice, however I don't connect with many and he still had my respect, until he didn't and as time has gone on, I see how little regard he has for me and my life, which is exactly why I didn't say yes. I just got into an awesome room that I worked hard for, a space I defiantly worked for and earned. Plus I know the out come of the past problem of 2014, not only did I walk away the first time feeling sexually assaulted, and discarded, but I knew there was something off with him from the beginning, but he caught me on a good day of mine, little did I know he was out to make every day after that bad for myself. He's not my type, but wow did the wrong one slip under my radar. The only reason I could stomach being with him, is the multiple people I had in my life, but by the time he was done, I had no one and it wasn't even a mistake is what he showed me. It's a steady choice to isolate me from my own life and cut out everyone I love in my life. By no means am I one to choose some loser boy over my friends and family.

Just like the first time, he has proved to be an infectious disease to lives. At least to mine twice, and once his behavior showed up where who I thought was a friend wanted to help, I wanted to be able to go back to my own space, after all the ex has taken everyone and everything from me, even when I directly tell him no. He sees whatever was going on as a game that he just can't lose. Which seemed weird to me, because I lost my everyday best friend and my game playing days are long behind me, I'm 3 years from 40 after all, if your dumb ass days aren't behind anyone by this age, they never will be.

After being very open and direct about what I want and don't want, well clearly the ex didn't like that, so what does he do? He goes ahead and gets me kicked out of the room I wanted to return to when his disrespectful behavior showed up, after all isn't that a right of anyone's, to say NO. Well apparently he doesn't think anyone deserves human rights, but himself. No one deserves to feel good, but him. Nobody deserves anything in his eyes and after he took over my fathers phone number, against someone's wishes and I am sure of that, his abusing personality still shines through, during a time my spirit can't afford it. Does that matter to him though? Absolutely not, after isolating me from everyone that cares by lying and manipulating them to believe things that aren't true. He must of heard through the grapevine that I was moving on, so what does he do? Intrudes in my life against my consent. With no room to go back to, well like all little boys disguised as men do, he switches up on me immediately. Basically showing me the exact reason I needed to keep that room, because no one should be forced to deal with anything they don't want to as well as breathe fresh air. Then a behavior that I never seen while he was my ex, showed up and that was physical abuse and mental anguish inside the same place I would go to get away from anyone who made me feel down and shitty or misunderstood, I could always call on who I thought was a forever friend and leave the chaos for a bit. It made no sense to me and I have never dealt with being treated like that, because I am not the type of female that's going to accept a man beating on her, for simply being herself.

This is just part 1, due to the fact he organized me back to the spot he still has access to me, only to punch my brain and take my medication that he thinks helps with the way he punched my brain and it has been a spiritual warfare ever since, what was once a peaceful place to be at, has now become a gas chamber ( I have proof, but he still won't let up) he makes living so hard and so unfun, its unreal honestly, and hes still using the sacred line to abuse me and bring on mental anguish that he brings on.

He doesn't really know me at all and I mean at all, and the person I believed was a forever friend, is no longer and divide and conquer is their goal, and I am unsure at this point what else they can divide me from, as I sit here in the wintry months, his timing on forcing me to inhale and absorb chemicals I don't want is really depressing. He preys on my depression and makes it worse, literally every chance he gets. I asked the person I thought would always be there for me in some way, since the one that would be, died on his watch and while we had to trust him, has shown me he isn't any better than the ex, after all he allowed all the events to happen and has left me out here with no one but an abusive narcissistic for too long and this time, time will not be in his favor. It's my do or die time in life, meaning permanent people only and he will never be permanent, simply because I don't like him, he is an ex boyfriend who did move on, realized whatever he realized and has been trying to get back into my life since and nope, my son doesn't like him, no one I find credible likes him. He thrives off everything people like myself find exhausting and disgusting.

I will say this, the person that should of been a permanent person is just a different strain of that ex of mine, has me in a place he knows I can't be happy in, in the smallest space, when I bring the most, so I will sit here and "pine" for him. No thanks on these new strains of faces.. its a no from me.. The person that asked me to stay with him, trying to make it appear like he was helping me has only helped himself to a place that no one there belongs in, but I will not be the one to enforce that. He let me down AGAIN and even though he cared for me in a good way, in a way I needed, and still do, but with all the inconsistency and then the ex of mine making a normal dynamic, into an all out literal mother fucker is something I won't get past and will never be able to trust him for sure now. Trust was iffy from the start due to my friend, but now its impossible and I really just want back everything and everyone I have lost, who is not dead since I met 2014.