No Shame

Someone called me in 2018, and had the voice of freedom, to me anyways.

What do I mean by voice of freedom, well every time, since the 2011 evolution, the person whose voice I heard, is the voice of my reality. Therefore, when someone that wasn't the voice of that person came over, I didn't mind, since every time we spoke on the phone, he was still there.

When he is in my life in anyway, I feel free, happy, joyful, hopeful and only tried to kill myself once on his watch, that was before the 2011 evolution, and as I stood there begging him to let me die. I couldn't' carry on with the guilt I had, I did something my moral compass can't handle, but my body can't handle the other side of that situation.

Plus there were times, I knew from his long pointless stories, to the future time in a room, that I was as crazy as he was. Half aware, but half didn't care, because I was laughing, and enjoying my time. Not to mention, he was never there when the act of boyfriend and girlfriend went on. Sadly, the fraud in that situation, didn't know the difference, even after I tried talking to her about it, years prior.

He told me I would be with him, that was over 2ish years ago, needing him then and still now. I looked forward to it, he gave me good feelings, plus made sure to send someone over to make sure I was ok, because him of all people know how not ok I am. He put in the effort that the next voice I am about to described, simply can't love me the way I want to be loved, like the first voice knows how to do, without asking. I have 2 permanent tattoos, and one covered up, that proves that.

I mean the second voice I heard, made no sense to me at all, and if we were ever going to be something or anything, it would of been in New Mexico in 2021, when the person who I used to try and carve his initial into my ankle when I was in middle school, did he do the same, hell no. It was just a trend back then.

Then when I was hearing the second voice, I had no one, as he made it that way, so I gave into it, hoping he was going to be the decent person I really needed. He failed me again, which means it was never love, now hes just attached, and I wish I was at the bottom of the pool, never to return to his shitty behavior, he still as an adult calls love.

Well not my kind of love, Mark can not unopen my mind, or close it up, after everything I know, the things he doesn't know. Since my mind has been opened up, he shoved me into a corner, to drive me crazy, after looking at me, and clearly never a man of his word, said, "I don't want to be your enemy." Every action since shows that he in fact does want to be my enemy, when I dont have any that are 2 sided. I have bigger issues than someones who don't care about my well being. Period. I guess my mother and I have in common that once opened up, our minds cannot go back to a place that it has evolved from, and knows I can be in a better place, even if that meant, no one having a place.

That is what these people's behavior, since I heard the second persons voice has displayed. Disrespect, devalued, and overall someone who would never meet my standards to be in my life, but he is a part of the force, that isn't a good force, or even a movement. It is just, this person loves company with their misery, and I refuse to be miserable, until I am forced to be.

Sitting in these basement boys, who have no self respect for themselves, and don't know me at all. That is all it has shown, is that these people I couldn't wait to get away from, is that they are cowards and full of shame.

The bottom line is this, the first voice I heard on the phone, was fun and uplifting, distraction or not, due to the second voice, I have had nothing but depression in my life.

The voice I heard while downstairs, matched the face that was shoved in my face, against my will. He heard with his ears how I felt violated, then went ahead and did it, the exact same way. Not respectable, and I just want the first voice, get me to him asap. I feel so unsafe in every aspect, not to mention the spiritual warfare that suddenly is around me. Can barley get anywhere, hindering me on purpose, since they know if I had the tools that I am, and only me are entitled to, none of you could catch up.

Hasn't the last week taught you anything, I am NOTHING like your bum, addicted to drugs, taking from me, all because you haven't had your own karma yet.

As I watch the second voices, not sister, but named as if it was. All it wants is for me to become a static, popping into my sight, after giving me brain fog on purpose. I realize it is the second voice that keeps me from my advocate, the person who can get me out of here, and quickly. He has done it so many times, whether it's a place, or a hotel. Since the first voice, doesn't share my energy, vibe or light to anyone, and after seeing the outside, I am ok with that. It is for my won protection, and if he only knew how bad I need him right now, not NEEDED like the last story of that dummy, who actually lost me long ago, but decided to attack me with hate, when all I need is love.

Anyone who knows me, knows that is what is needed, the first voice once told me, "I want to get to know you." I was speechless, we have been through divorce in 2006 as well as in 2012, not he wants to know me. I thought whaaaat? How does he not know me, after all the time we spent together, while both sneaking around, because it is true, real love can't just walk away. Someone or circumstances has to tear them apart, and that is my first voice.

After living where I wanted to be, (again past tense) the person I seen, the reason I said no, was suddenly in the last place I had for peace, and doing it intentionally.

One of my favorite parts, is the woman I am now, is who the one I want to be delivered to, tonight. However, I won't be, these frauds got used to false hoping me, kill switching me and more.

The bottom line, is the one I want to LIVE with, the first voice, who fell in love with a less sadder version of who I am now, (name wise) I evolved when I had a child. Many people I used to know have children now, and its obvious they weren't blessed with unconditional love. I personally have experienced, unconditional on my end.

I need to be delivered to YOU, you know how to care for me at my lowest, and if you really can't stop, like all the signs show and people try to tell me subliminally, I am the one who can clean him up, I have done it before, and if he is ready for me to come into his life? Come reclaim what is yours. Today did you notice one of our songs, that fool is trying to The longer you stay away, the more I adjust to it, so know that.

Therefore, please make it right with karma (me) and lead me away from this hell, trying to trigger something from 5 years ago, that lasted 2 months living the needle life, one that is not easy to get out of. In fact my bff, died from a needle using. It's as of these people hope for that outcome, but guess what, to go in any these haters, and suddenly welcome reality, their lie is shattered and cracked when this happens almost someone a broken record, I just want you to know, save me from this gas changer, low vibration, poison and I know you can see the damage that the ones who are ungrateful for what they do get, while taking from every resources, they think they can.

Take me away, Mr, "how does it feel, needs to kick rocks, and keep kicking them until he leaves me alone, all this real life shit, then this extra shit, by that darkness onto me.

Bottom line, if I can't have you in my life, living independently is the only way, I want to live with. Then you could just give me money, minus all the viulchers. to know if pushing even more darkness on my light and soul on purpose. I however know that this isn't the living standard, no mater what I have been forced into something, I need you to be my hero, like I know you love to do...

After all this is just a tad sadder person you met, and knew, it's worse and seems like its only get worse.

Come get me, or someone put me in this mans eye sight, if he happen to be hopeless and using, since he doesn't have my love, just like he gave me hope, I give him the same, but I do know what doing this does for him, and I am in... it can't get any worse, in every aspect.

Please come get me asap!! and let's head on back to reality together. Either way this shoving me into the ground, is not the answer.

Deliver me.. if you became a man of your word, since meaning the words you say, should mean something by now, fuck the miserable, shaky, sweating, users who don't understand the end of this.. I chose peace, which means the real you, the one many don't know but me..

Delivery me soon, before it's too late... I am giving you, ONE more time, because I understand, to an extent, and in certain ways, that I want you to have one, as well as I would love to show them all, that your mine, and no one else, vice versa clearly..

P.S editing coming soon, this was hard to write.