The Day I Burned my V**ina

I'm going to be channeling my inner S. Frazer and Lindsay Rae Brown in this shocking and embarrassing confession. Thank you, and please enjoy.

A disclaimer before we get started: I did NOT hurt myself on purpose, nor do I condone the act of self-harm. The heating up or “burning” of such a place occurred accidentally. It was due to stupidity, nothing else, now onto the harrowing tale.

Have you guys ever used a muscle rub? It might have been called Icy Hot, Sports Rub, Salon Pas, Aspercream, Tigers Balm, or a generic off-brand Arthritis Deep Penetrating Cream. Most of which use menthol as an active ingredient for immediate relief of inflamed joints and muscles. Typically the tube or bottle looks like this:

Well, I have, and still do, use it. My body hates me right now and is in constant agony from my demanding job, intensive exercise, and crippling Arthritis so sports cream helps relieve that pain. One day, I applied some on my knees, lower back, and ankles. Immediately afterward, I vigorously washed my hands. Relief came within minutes, at least enough to try and take a nap, I thought. My mind was racing with thoughts, as was my libido, so the logical course of action was to take care of it. Personally. Do you see where this is going? Good. Then what happened next will not surprise you.

Upon finishing the act, I made a gruesome discovery. My privates were on fire! Intense burning came bursting out from between my thighs. I dashed to the bathroom, with no time to wash off, shower, anything that would be substantial. No, I took a water bottle from my bedside table, hovered over my master bathroom's toilet, and vigorously doused my intimate parts until relief overcame me. My poor fur babies were so confused by my sudden outburst and strange behavior, I don't think they will ever fully recover from the trauma. I certainly won’t!

Hours later, after taking a long and thorough shower, I figured out what went wrong.

Evidently, in my rush to get pain relief, I didn’t pay attention to the outside of the bottle itself. Where a copious amount of the arthritis cream was smeared by my gloved palm. So even though I wore them, as soon as they were removed and I discarded the now empty bottle, my bare hand was reintroduced to the substance. And then I touched myself. Needless to say, I was completely ashamed! As a user of this product for many years, I prided myself in paying attention to the warning and directions on the label, but that does little when your brain decides to flatline.

Suffice to say that since this incident, I have not been injured further. Now, I’m diligent about where my hands have been, what may or may not be on them, and if they have been thoroughly scrubbed. The bottle, box and or tube are inspected carefully to avoid accidental spillage. Also, I never touch anything ever with any sort of steroidal, cooling it burning properties without gloves. Whether I’m applying it to myself or to a patient. While this doesn’t guarantee it will not leak through the latex, it does provide a comfortable barrier between the ointment and your sensitive fleshy bits.

I sincerely hope this tale will be eye opening, and entertaining, to many people who have suffered the same fate as myself and my poor intimate parts. Until next time, read the label on the back, wear gloves and wash your hands thoroughly!

About the author: Angela Derscha is a fur mama with four cats and two dogs, recently married, and enjoys steamy romance with her morning coffee. She has written 60 pieces of literature on Vocal Media with many more to come in the near future, and is an active contributing menpmber of several writing groups across the internet:

Vocal Creators Saloon: here

Vocal Social Society: here

Vocal & Medium Cafe: here

The Medium Writers and Vocal Creators Support Group: here

Vocal Progressive Group For Writers and Readers: here

Vocal Aspire: here

Vocal Media Creator’s Hub: here

Vocal Creator’s Lounge: here

Writers Sharing Community: here