My Abusive Ex is the Reason I'm Fat

I know it may sound like I’m shifting the blame, but my ex is the reason I’m fat. I didn’t gain weight because he was a great cook, or because our relationship centered on going to fancy restaurants or eating fast food. The reason I’m fat is because my ex used food to abuse me.

I was a vegetarian who loved going to the gym we met. My body wasn’t where I wanted it to be, but I had fitness goals and I was making strides toward them. I was healthy, and I enjoyed exercising. He liked to praise me for working out, but he also started telling me which parts of my body I should work on. I didn’t see that as a red flag, but I should have.

Another red flag was when I stopped being able to afford a gym membership. I didn’t expect that to affect our relationship, but he started making comments that he thought I was going to gain weight. Soon he became the food police. If he didn't like what I ate, he'd tell me that I was gaining weight.

Once when we were making the grocery list, and I asked him if he wanted to get ice cream. I expected him to add it to the list, but he berated me instead. It was the first time I’d seen him angry, and I didn’t understand why. Ice cream wasn’t the healthiest food, but we didn’t have it often. I asked him why he was so angry at me for asking for ice cream, and he confessed that he thought I was going to get a gallon and eat it in a single sitting.

I was in tears by the time he finally said agreed to add it to our grocery list. When we went to the store, I told him he could pick the flavor. He picked a flavor he knew I wouldn’t like. I don’t remember if I spoke up for myself, or if I let him have his way, but I never asked him for any sweets again.

He even extended his war on food to my dogs, after finding out one of them was a pound overweight. He demanded we put both dogs on a diet. He didn’t allow me to give them snacks anymore, and he counted out the amount of kibble in their bowls. I often snuck them food when he was at work, and I felt guilty on the days when he was home.

One day he decided he didn’t want me wearing anything he didn’t approve of, so he had me try on everything I owned. If he liked the piece of clothing, I got to keep it. He didn’t hesitate to throw out clothing that he didn’t like, even if it was something I wanted to keep. If I protested, he’d make a negative comment about my body.

The worst comment he made was after we had Chinese food. I was too tired to cook, so I ordered food while he was at work. It was the first time I’d gotten a break from cooking in about six months, and I hadn’t asked his permission first.

When he came home, he made himself a plate but claimed he was concerned about the way I was eating. He told me that I was going to get diabetes, so I pointed out that he was eating almost the same diet as I was. He told me he wasn’t worried about getting diabetes, making it clear that he was only worried about my food intake.

He abused me in other ways too, which sometimes me to react. One of those times we had a massive fight. He kept calling me, and finally, I yelled into the phone that I was done. I told him that I wanted to break up. I hung up on him, but he left me a voicemail. We’d had fights before where I wanted to leave, but this time he agreed to let me go. I hadn’t expected that, and I started crying and trying to get him on the phone. I was so used to being with him I was afraid to be alone.

He came home later that night and said we could stay together for another month while he decided if he truly wanted to stay with me. He made a list of demands that I had to obey for a chance to stay together. He focused on my weight more than anything else, even telling me he wanted to see how thin I could get by the end of the month.

In the following days, he commented that he had settled for me because I wasn’t pretty enough for him. He said that all his friends agreed I was ugly and that he could do better. He told me he wasn’t used to being with a girl as big as me.

He’d often make comments about how he couldn’t wait to see what was waiting for him on Tinder. He told me that dating me was beneath him and that he could easily find someone ‘hotter’ than me. He claimed I would never find anyone as good-looking as him and refused to go anywhere with me unless I was wearing a full face of makeup.

He was so cruel that I would wake in the middle of the night crying, and he’d yell for me to go back to sleep. I started waking early to go to the gym and working out for longer than I used to. I cut down on the amount I ate until it was nearly nothing. He made me feel too sick to eat.

I finally had enough and left him. After we broke up, he was angry about where I was working and that I was getting male attention. He found an excuse to call me and yell at me. He reminded me that he thought I was fat and insulted my job. He even told me that my eyebrows looked horrible. He wanted me to see myself as undesirable.

I wasn’t undesirable, because a lot of men asked me out after discovering that I was newly single. I couldn’t bring myself to date any of them. I felt unworthy of love, so I started stuffing my face. Before meeting my ex, I liked food, but I’d never allowed myself to overindulge. Now it was as if I was eating as a way to get revenge. I noticed I was gaining weight, but instead of eating healthier, I made the switch from jeans to leggings. I didn’t care how I looked because I felt horrible.

I didn’t realize how much I’d ‘let myself go’ until I needed to buy some new clothes for work. I wasn’t sure of my size, so I was forced into the dreaded fitting rooms. I can still remember the tears welling up in my eyes as I tried to get a dress over my thighs and couldn’t.

I thought my weight gain would keep men away from me, but it only made me wonder what they saw in me when they approached me. Were they only into me because of my new size? Was their interest in me a joke? I was too afraid to find out, so I ended up turning away every man who was interested in me.

I still want to lose weight, but now I know I must heal my mind before I can heal my body. I must see myself as worthy of love because I am worthy of love. My ex never loved me. He loved the idea of me and what he thought he could transform me into. Healing myself is about learning how to love myself, and I’ll never allow another man to tell me my worth.