June 5th

Subject Matter- Mental Illness, PMDD, and Chronic Illness:

It is exactly 12:34PM which is such a cute time! I made into work exactly 2 hours late and am finally feeling like 75% of myself. No one was mad so that's good. It sucks because PMDD always steals a good week or two from my life and yet so many people weaponize it and/or ignore it as anything real. I am officially back on a Monday after a grueling PMDD episode that made me feel like a metaphoric worthless worm. I feel the need to add that this metaphor is so unfair to worms considering how necessary and helpful they actually are....but I digress.

I missed about 3 days of work and as most places I do not have enough PTO to sustain what I know will happen at LEAST bimonthly if not monthly or if I am not lucky enough for it to land on a weekend. This is absolutely my last straw of this pattern. It has been happening since I was 12 or 13 and I guess I have gotten to the point where I can't go on like this anymore. Maybe it's because I have made the conscientious effort that life doesn't have to suck or I don't know maybe I do have the capacity to actually be happy-ish.

Or maybe I thought hey this job doesn't totally and utterly suck to maybe my ambition and content with it will carry me through. It could honestly be just that the pain has been so unbearable for the last 18 years and I don't have the stamina anymore. Either way I am so behind in both my full-time job and running the Art Gallery and Studio my sister and I decided to open. The juries still out on whether that was a good idea...

Having chronic depression, PMDD, and ADHD I feel like I am working so fricken hard, but just like not in the right direction. I stopped feeling bad about it because that just makes it all worse. More days in bed, more days hating myself and that has gotten me no where but piles of dirty clothes, stacked dishes, rotten food, and an eating disorder. For a long time...too long I decided this was a moral failure and that I just had to accept that I kind of sucked. So I am glad I have gotten passed most of that. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this can't be the only way to live. But I hate the eye rolls and scoffs I get when I say this is real and desperate for them to not think I am lazy or stupid. In the Duke Press Article, Geoffrey Mock says,

The PMDD Phenomenon: Breakthrough Treatments for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and Extreme Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS), Dell says unequivocally that PMDD is a real health concern and, for the first time in lay literature, she explains premenstrual exacerbation, a condition in which the symptoms of any disease or disorder (arthritis, depression, asthma, diabetes, etc.) become worse during the days or weeks prior to a woman's period.

About 3 million women in the United States suffer from a disorder that some doctors believe does not exist. Marriages are shattered, self-esteem plummets and professional relationships can be strained to the breaking point because of PMDD, an extreme form of PMS.

'Asking women to prove they have PMDD is like asking someone to prove they have a headache,' says Dell, who is board certified in both obstetrics/gynecology and psychiatry. 'But we know people have headaches, just as we know women have extreme premenstrual symptoms, and there is scientific evidence to prove there are biological triggers at work.'

Now Even though the book came in 2002, we have still so far to go. It's important to me that I state that I am genderqueer/fluid/non-binary the whole they/themer type of human. So while many of these discussions tend to only be talked about as women's health just know I exist too! and they affect people like me too! I fear opening up about this 1. because of all the stupid stigmas with period jokes and our societies overall disgust with the topic in general. but like dude we are in pain half of each month from about 12-50 years old. I think it could be cool to be aware of because ignoring it makes it far worse. and 2. People, at least in my experience, will always respond with "so you just have a really bad period?" and reduce it down to like...just take some ibuprofen and get on with your day. I have cramps too or I get moody too or blah blah blah.

It's not that different from the responses I get when I disclose I have ADHD. Like it's some sort of cute quirk that makes me a little strange, not a debilitating diagnosis that is definitely not cute in the lower middle class/poverty socioeconomic class. Toss in some cute chronic depression and I am your favorite employee.

Part of me has stopped caring but deep down it's still there. School and work were and have been traumatic for me consistently pushing and fighting through the mental illnesses and the physical pain that comes with them...the joint pain the head aches, the nausea, the dizziness, the ear ringing the just all over physical pain that never ends.

It has come to my attention that I--like many others going through similar things--often feel like they need to push through the pain, or that it is inevitable with the body parts we were born with. However, it has also come to my attention this is just not true. It is not illegal to ask for accommodations even though every past supervisor has verbally assaulted me for reasons I will never know.

I can only say they were projecting. I like to think I am a cool, caring, and easy person to work with but they (past employers/supervisors/co-workers) have definitely caused many tearful self-reflecting sessions. People with physical "obvious" disabilities get this gut punching reality probably more aggressively and more often but our society generally speaking does not like disabled people.

If you are not totally convinced please read about the "Ugly Laws"

Granted I don't know how even the most handsomest able-bodied people put up with these expectations of work ethic clocking in 40, 50, 60, 70+ hours. I do in fact enjoy my home, my dogs, my partner, my friends, etc. Don't get me wrong I am sure the money is nice and if it truly is something you love maybe it doesn't feel as taxing, but my guess is that isn't usually the case. At least my idea of living life is more to do with experience and not so much accomplish but maybe that's just a semantics thing.

Well I have a meeting in about 20 minutes asking for such accommodations to make my life not agonizingly suck or the tragic but oh so predictable need for me to quit or 'part ways' after weeks of understandably (I guess) frustration that I just always seem to be sick or struggling to show up healthy. This is vulnerable and scary and I absolutely want to remind myself a privilege to be able to ask for such things. I just know my insecure self that thinks 'this medication will make me not be like this anymore' or 'if I just do yoga everyday then I wont need these accommodations' or even 'let me try this supplement/diet/regime and then I'll be so productive and the best employee ever!'

Ha. Ha. Ha. it's time to wave the white flag and ask for help no matter how scary or vulnerable or violating it may feel.

See ya on the other side.

Other PMDD Resources:

** again remember not all women experience PMS/PMDD/Menstruation and some Queer, GenderQueer, Genderfluid, Non-Binary, and Men do!**

Links:

International Association for Premenstrual Disorders

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) by Mind 2021 PDF