Inability

I want so much in my life to change. I have goals and plans like many of us do, but do not believe they will come true. This is because I don’t trust myself. I believe trust in yourself comes from showing yourself that you can follow through in even the smallest tasks you have assigned for yourself. This is something I fail at constantly. I try to set myself up for success but always seem to self-sabotage. I know that one of the reasons I do this is because I am trying to convince and show myself that I am not trustworthy even to myself. This weekend I promised myself I would go out with a friend who has been asking to see me. I never went out with her. As I laid in bed thinking of excuses to tell her, one word came to mind: inability. I feel unable to do the things I want to do. I want to do things and know how happy I could be if I simply did them, and yet I will not do them. I know I won’t do them because I never have before.

I read in a book that in order to trust in yourself again you should start with small baby steps. The book suggested setting up small tasks and completing them daily and in this way the trust in myself will build again. While I think this is a great way to start I have not been able to follow through. I am currently doing the minimum tasks required for survival. I survive each day doing the bare minimum. The goals and plans that I wish I could pursue seem impossible to get for me right now and so I have put them out of my mind. I hate to say that I am complacent, because I’m not really happy with what I have. I like to convince myself that I am complacent because it's the only way to feel okay about my state of life. Whenever I think about all the things I want to do in my life I immediately put them out of my mind. Realizing the time I have wasted and my inability to pursue even one goal on my long list could send me reeling back to depression so I find it best to not even think about it.

Still, it is hard to ignore my needs. I find that social media is not helping me either since reaching your goals seems to be a hot topic. I realize that social media isn’t the best place to look for reality but I can’t help but think that some of those people are real and they are actually pursuing their goals and feeling accomplished. I like their posts hoping some of their energy will rub off on me and tomorrow I will wake up another person. This never happens of course, day after day my inability to do much more than the bare minimum stands in the way of my happiness. I am used to feeling let down by myself and I think this is one of the reasons why I don’t fear letting others around me down. I can cancel or just not show up to anything I don’t feel like doing because feeling guilty is just a normal feeling I deal with everyday. I’m also used to losing people and opportunities in life because of my inability. Is it normal to let myself down as much as I do? Am I just an unfeeling bad person who puts her needs above everyone and anything else? These are questions that float around my head, especially after I have let someone down.

I never share these feelings with anyone anymore because I know how frustrating it is to watch someone hold themselves back because of an invisible force. Instead I have found that the best thing to do is to keep to myself and go on living each day to the best of my abilities. My goals have to remain hidden even to myself so that I can keep surviving. Maybe one day I will break through and realize that I am much more capable than I thought but until that day shows up I need to somehow accept myself as I am right now.