I Could Have Loved You

You know that feeling you get when you instantly feel a connection to someone? like you see them, feel them, or even just hear their name and your entire body gets flooded by happiness. I'm talking butterflies, tingles, a smile that fills up your face all of that good stuff. Well with him that's how I felt, over and over again.

It all started freshman year of high school, I know typical right? well bare with me. One night I got a text, and I remember at the time being so scared of boys, the idea of a boy liking me? terrifying. This boy though he was different, I didn't know what it was or how to express how he made me feel, mostly because he made me feel a way I had never experienced before, I just knew he would steal my heart.

"What did the text say!?" all my friends asked as I told them about this cute boy that messaged me and how I just knew he would steal my heart. It said.. "Hey".. "That's it?" my friends said. Yeah that's it, does that not scream in love to you?, guess not, but it was enough for me. He was cute; blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, funny, confident the type of guy that when he spoke to you, he made you feel important. And freshman year of high school who didn't want to feel that way?

The texts became more frequent and turned into hanging out. Spending time with him was something I looked forward to everyday, so much so that I took a class just to be with him, you know when you get up early just to get all dolled up so they notice you? well that was me everyday. After a month or so of hanging out together he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I was ecstatic I don't think I have ever said yes so fast. This was it the guy that made me feel all these amazing feelings was mine...right?

Its near the end of freshman year, it was a pretty typical hangout I went over to his place after school and said hi to his mom, but then I saw her.. I recognized her from school but she was older then us I think she was a sophomore. About a week goes by after that night and I get a text it was her.. the sophomore from the night we all hung out. "It was an accident I am so sorry, I thought you deserved to know, he didn't want to tell you." ...and just like that my heart broke.

All throughout high school I would see him even in college and beyond. That's about 8+ years. Regardless of how much he hurt me, I never gave up on him why? because, that feeling I had the first time he sent me that text never went away and that feeling kept me hopeful. Hopeful that he would change, I knew the potential he had and I thought I could get him to be that man for me, that was my hope. Carrying that hope for so long is exhausting but he kept giving me little nudges of hope to keep me holding on. That made me feel like I wasn't crazy for thinking we could still work.

You know how they say love makes you blind? I believe that to an extent. Love made me blind with him but after him I never let it make me blind again. I am 23-years-old now and we still have contact but now it is on my terms, strictly friends why? because I will always love him but that hope is gone, although my feelings will never fade my blindness did. I learnt my worth and showed up for myself when I needed to pick myself back up after he hurt me again. He wasn't the one that got away, he was the one where love wasn't enough.